Are You Sure You Know What Sex You Are?  

warmandsexy52 64M
7186 posts
10/16/2005 2:10 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Are You Sure You Know What Sex You Are?

I have long been interested in the fact that our sex and gender identities are a lot less straightforward than might first appear and I couldn’t help but notice that there was very little posted about this. We have been brought up to think pink for a girl and blue for a boy. There should be a fair bit of mauve around, because it’s not that simple.

“Congratulations, you’ve just given birth to ….. well it could be a boy, but ….. hang on, we’ll have to take the little one away for tests.”

You see you can’t just assume that a penis is a boy and a vulva a girl, because there’s practically every possibility inbetween. Both the male and female reproductive systems have the same Y-shaped plan and for the most part it turns out as a classic male or female body plan, but intermediates are far from unknown. Not only that but there is a community in the Caribbean where all babies are born as “girls”, but some of them “morph” into males by the age of about ten. It is possible to have a penis and ovaries, or a vagina and internal testicles. Where a large clitoris becomes a small penis is a matter of judgement and interpretation, not a total transition.

Confused? Well let’s make it simple. Let’s go for the chromosomes. It’s either XX for a girl and XY for a boy. Well, not exactly. There’s XYY, which accounts for 2% of male prisoners, and XXX. Then again you can have XX males and XY females when it comes to what appearances are. There are a number of other combinations of X and Y too.

Damn! I can’t rely on a chromosome test, and checking in my pants (yep, it’s still there ‒ hasn’t morphed ‒ whew!) isn’t necessarily reliable. I’m checking in to haematology and having my hormones checked. I’m a man so I’m gonna be swamped with testosterone, and women have their fair dose of oestrogen. Actually I’m going to have a mix of the two. There are chemical pathways in our bodies that convert male sex hormones to female ones. Female physiology does it more efficiently than male physiology, at least until the menopause, and without HRT , both sexes have similar hormonal signatures. Even then there’s Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, or testicular feminization, where genetic males do not respond to testosterone and other androgens, so they then become physically female. Then there are the other tricks hormones can play, including breast development and even lactation in men. (warm checks and thanks his lucky stars he’s flat-chested). Men can even get breast cancer, although it is much more rare than in women.

So biologically we’re on more of a spectrum than we might have imagined. The vast majority of us are clearly on Venus or Mars, but it’s not an absolute. This has created all sorts of legal problems, even discounting transsexuals-by-choice, and I notice that AdultFriendFinder doesn’t present us with an intersex option. Culturally we are obliged to be male or female and our social identity and discourse is framed by that. Our particular mix of hormones defines us even further and blurs the Venus/Mars distinction.

So maybe I ought to ask you straight, “What sex do you think you are and to what degree are you that sex?” Can I really count on your reply? I’m now entering the territory of gender identity. I cannot determine whether your answer is valid, because there are no absolute measures ‒ only your word for it. There are more than two categories and a space between, sometimes known as two spirit. There are powerful cultural forces at work drawing us to be either male or female, wanting us to be in one of the two camps. In fact, many feel that they have masculine and feminine aspects to their make up, and some people, fearing that they do, seek to purge themselves of one or the other by acting in exaggerated sex-stereotyped ways. Sometimes, in the case of men, the sex stereotype can be so overwhelming that a unique sense of self-identity is lost. Have a scan through some male profiles on AdultFriendFinder and you’ll see what I mean, and if I’ve unsettled anyone on that score perhaps I shouldn’t apologise but encourage a moment or two’s reflection and self-examination.

Okay, so I might not be able to count on your answer to that one. Perhaps we ought to meet (what’s this site for anyway if I can’t make such open invitations)and have a drink, maybe a meal and each of us come to our own judgement about the other’s gender. Perhaps gender can be determined by its expression. The ice gets thinner and thinner. I can almost hear it cracking. To determine gender by clothing, mannerism, ways of speaking and so on is highly dubious. I know two men who are totally camp in their manner, but lead otherwise heterosexual lives (as far as I can tell). I have a female colleague who is more masculine in her expression than any of the guys, which unsettles me for a start. To exercise a super-masculine persona in the workplace can be a powerful winning formula for some women, but there’s a real cost attached on other levels if a woman likes the experience of being a woman.

In gender expression you might be in the middle of the spectrum maybe because you don’t have much interest in sex anyway (so no one reading my posts here) and are therefore androgynous, or you’re combining elements of the two, or gender-bending. It might also be a changeable feast. If I’m out with the lads I’m going to be pretty masculine, but listening to a client talk about their problems, or having a quiet drink with a female friend will bring out a much softer me. I guess most of you will see some truth in that.

So maybe we can look at sexual orientation. Crrrrack!!!!! Splash! I’ve gone through the ice completely. Here too we have the extremes of attracted to men and attracted to women, but again there’s a spectrum inbetween. In the middle are the active bisexuals and the inactive asexuals. Experience tells me I’m heterosexual, but that experience hasn’t been tested to breaking point. There is a lot of evidence that males shift towards homosexuality in prisons. Consider this, you date the lady in the picture and make a discovery about her biological sex in the bedroom. What do you do? Do you storm out in disgust, say you’re sorry but she’s not your cup of tea, or aroused by all the foreplay prior to the pants bit you go with the flow? There’s a lot of men who have this fantasy because the sex industry is making good money out of it.

The whole territory of what sex you are is not simple at all. The surgeon’s knife is always busy, not only with transsexuals, who wish to change their sex completely, but also breast and penis enlargement for those who wish to shift more to the extreme end of the spectrum. Do we endorse those choices, or really discover who we are and how we express it?

So rather than being simply being a black and white one-dimensional person, with sex being simply male or female, defined by cultural stereotypes, with all their limitations, be interesting, go technicolour, multidimensional and start to explore the wonderful person you happen to be.

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/20/2005 8:51 pm

I don't find effeminate men or butch women attractive either, dranba. I do like strength, power and identity in women, because such things are invariably driven by a passion for life and all it entails. But I do think femininity itself has strong appeal and the two are not mutually exclusive.

And the picture ...... intriguing!!

warm xx

dranba 39F

10/20/2005 5:18 pm

ok - now for the odd one out!

I'm not a girly person at all. Yes, I am feminine - there's no doubt about that, but I have been told, and I know, that I'm "masculine" in a lot of ways.

I am attracted to men and women (I'm more "straight" than not) but I don't find effeminate men or butch women attractive. This may because I don't know any!

And the picture.... Well, I think it's the best of both worlds!

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/19/2005 11:22 pm

We must be a mutual adoration society, sensually. What I would give to be pampered, knowing that pampering is two way. My partner and I have had to do a lot of working at our relationship recently, even though we've been together a long, long time.As you say, We do have to adapt, work at it, and communicate in our relationships. But it's all worth it in the end.

On relationships in trouble, it would be lovely if you visited Why Madkitten is a Stupid Bitch. and added your support.

As for the pic - it's not me!

warm xx


10/19/2005 1:59 pm

That's interesting.
You're an adorable man, one whom I could easily pamper in such a way, you'd be even happier to be the male!

I think in our relationships with our partners, we do adapt, and it always needs working at and communicating about, as we ourselves change. ~ I agree. Change is inevitable for everyone. My ex-husband, when we divorced years ago, told me I had changed after the birth of our daughter. Obviously, it was a change he could not deal with, so he moved on. I'm very lucky now to be with a man who accepts me as I am, even when I'm wrong. We do have to adapt, work at it, and communicate in our relationships. But it's all worth it in the end.

As for the pic *shudders*~


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/19/2005 1:50 pm

My sweet angel, you are woman to your very soul, irridescent in your sexuality. warm xx

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/18/2005 11:10 pm

Thank you, sensually. I guess, like so many others, I am intrigued by the issue of my own sexuality. With my parents abroad I went to a single sex boarding school and flew out in the holidays. I learned there that I was heterosexual by inclination. Had I been homosexual there were plenty of outlets in that 24/7 environment, and oddly enough, in those days in that environment it wasn't particularly frowned upon, even though it was taboo in wider society.

Knowing my maleness is one thing, locating it is quite another. There always has been a pretty individual streak running through me and I was aware of stereotyping gender. A lot of stuff about stereotyping women, but not enough about stereotyping men. In the UK the 'bastion' of maleness is the gregarious behaviour of football-supporting, which does nothing for me at all. But attraction to women is strong. I actually like being a man on a day to day basis, and having that persona of being able to deal with situations in a male way.

I wanted the pic to provoke a little. Create a little unease. Shemales are a strange phenomenon, and I'm interested in the fact that the pic leaves you cold, because it may suggest that this is a male attracting phenomenon (anyone else wanting to comment on this one, please do). Not particularly my cup of tea either, so whose?

I think in our relationships with our partners, we do adapt, and it always needs working at and communicating about, as we ourselves change.

Thank you for sharing in the exploration. It means much.

warm xx

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/18/2005 10:40 pm


People come into our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Like footprints in the sand, they leave indications of their existence on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.

These are beautiful words and I am deeply moved by them. Thank you.

warm xx

SweetDarlinAngel 39F
2996 posts
10/18/2005 9:59 pm


I am so feminine that there are times when my own family makes fum of me calling me "Princess Angel (insert true name here)". I am very girly in that I love to paint my nails and have my door opened for me. I love to be pampered and complimented. I love to have someone take care of me, love to be the center of attnetion. I love to dress up and wear make-up. I love to feel the masculinity of my man standing next to me. I love to wear his large shirts to bed and have his smell on me. I love my hair long and to take long baths. I am all female and feminine. Then... there's my sexuality...

I love men. Love the way they touch me and make me feel. Love the way a man's penis feels inside of me. Love the way his cum tastes. But at the same time, I love to taste a woman's pussy. Feel her breasts beneath my fingers. Watch her orgasm. Smell her sweet perfume. I don't want to compete with another woman for the role of woman in a relationship, but I do enjoy a woman's body and flavor and taste. I do enjoy her scent and her softness. My fiance is a woman. But a "butch" one. She is very masculine. She acts and dresses and fronts very much as a man. But biologically she is a woman. The only thing I miss in our relationship is a penis and the taste of a man. Such a conundrum I live in...




10/18/2005 3:32 pm

Some interesting thoughts, there, my friend. As a woman who is a bit "bi-curious" (which is what brought me to A F F in the first place), I still consider myself straight. There's actually few women that I feel an attraction to. Now, let's say I finally get to fulfill my fantasy. Will that make me a bisexual? Or would I have to become very involved with other women on a regular basis in order to make that so? I'm very much a woman, and I totally adore men. So, what truly makes me feel the need to fulfill this one unfulfilled desire? Some good thought-pondering ideas in this post, warm.

I don't understand the sex change operation idea, but it's not for me to decide if it's right or wrong for someone else. We're all responsible for our own lives, our own decisions. I have to say that the picture you put with this post totally turned me off. I could never be with someone who was that confused with their gender/sexuality.

Too, I don't think it's a man's responsibility to make a woman feel like a woman, just as it's not a woman's to make him feel like a man. When the two are comfortable with who they are and their gender, the rest will come. For women who like women, it's the same thing. Many women feel more feminine with a woman than they ever felt with a man. I think it requires getting to know the one you're with to the point of knowing what they need and want, no matter what your sexual preference. Both should be the half that compliments the other.


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/17/2005 4:49 pm

Chanel upon the rustic air
will tell me saddletrampsk is there!

warm xx

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/17/2005 4:41 pm

Ah, Anemone, to really learn may well take a lifetime and will take the form of mutual discovery. Sadly, on such long-distance curricula not everyone lasts the course. Early eagerness has to become long term commitment for such things to be. warm xx

saddletrampsk 54F

10/16/2005 7:48 pm

I am definately a girly girl..I am 100% woman..I love all the girly things, even when I am knee deep in horse shit I am wearing lipstick and perfume..but I know I am completely, 100% woman coz I love men, every damn part of them..

warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/16/2005 11:27 am

Anemone, I know you have the wisdom, intelligence and power of self-reflection to both understand and manage the balance. I love the way you describe reinforcing gender identity within a relationship - so true. Should it be part of every man's education to learn how to make a woman feel like a woman? warm xx

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