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CD in PA: my story part one
CD in PA: my story part one
I enjoyed masturbating when I hit puberty, and I did it whenever I could. Seeing women in skirts and heels turned me on. I would wrap myself in a blanket, get naked and play with myself. I loved feeling the blanket rubbing against my young, hairless legs. I was young and curious. One day, I found a pair of pantyhose and wondered what they would feel feel like. Trying them on, I was immediately turned-on. I went to my room, stripped-down to the pantyhose and pleasured myself. Oh, how that felt so good! Afterwards, I felt that what I had just done was wrong, so I threw the pantyhose away, and swore I would never do that again. Evenetually, the desire to experience that feeling again was too strong. I found another pair of pantyhose and pleased myself again.
All through high-school, I would continue the pattern of wearing pantyhose, reaching a climax and then feeling ashamed. As the years passed, I found that I wasn't throwing them away as soon as I finished, but periodically, I would discard them, and again, I would swear to myself not to let it happen again. It was wrong. So very, very wrong! And yet, I enjoyed how it felt.
It continued like that for years, until I graduated and got a job. With cash in my pocket, I would buy my own pantyhose and porn magazines, too. I would get home late at night, slip into the bathroom while everyone was asleep, put on the pantyhose, look at the magazines and get off. One day, I noticed an ad towards the back of one of the magazines... a girl with a dick... a shemale! Suddenly, I was buying magazines simply for the ads, and soon even the gay ads were getting me hot (although men still sickened me). Over time, I started buying magazines if I knew they had pictures of crossdressers in them. They weren't shemales, but it was still the same basic concept: someone dressed in lingerie that had a dick.
Getting swingers' magazines was always the best bet, as they always had pictures of crossdressers looking for sex. While most of the pictures weren't all that great, it was enough to get me going.
I would enter the porn shops every so often to buy the magazines, but I was always nervous. I would look around and notice the dildos and vibrators hanging on the walls. Thinking of the gay ads I saw in the magazines, I wondered how it felt, having something slide in and out of my ass. If another customed walked in while I was looking, I would quickly move to the normal porn magazines, and do my best to keep myself calm. I was afraid someone would know what I was doing. When I felt safe, I quickly grabbed a vibrator and whatever lingerie they had, and leave as quickly as I could.
The selection of lingerie at the porn shop was pitiful. Mostly fishnet stockings and "one-size-fits-all" panties or other cheap outfits. Getting home and entering the bathroom, I was always disappointed with how the lingerie fit me. I was extremely tall for a man, so the lingerie never fit correctly. Such a waste of money, I thought, but it did help keep me excited long enough to reach a climax.
Months would pass before the shame returned. Into the trash would go the magazines, stockings and whatever else I had purchased. "I am never doing this again" I would tell myself. I would walk around the next several weeks, cursing myself for doing something that the majority of the world viewed as wrong and sick. But slowly, the desire would return. I would try to fight it, tell myself "No, you can't" but there would be a night where I NEEDED to wear stockings, NEEDED to look at a picture of men having sex, or men dressed in lingerie, or if I got really lucky, a picture of a shemale.
This cycle would continue for years, up until I moved-out and married my wife. It was then that things started to change.
7/10/2006 12:38 pm
such a truthfull a well told experiance SO SIMULAR to mine. THE SHAME IS THE WORST THING !|
It did go away, after many years. What about u ?
Can't wit for next instalment.
all the best