when I said " I do"  

wantitnow309 58F
37 posts
6/20/2006 10:55 pm

Last Read:
6/21/2006 7:17 am

when I said " I do"

Marriage! = What a word = a union between two people who love each other and pledge their lives to each other. When you think about it, that's quite a long haul and quite a feat for some.
When young people ask me about marriage, I tell them it's the hardest job they'll ever have to work at! It takes strength, stamina, patience, willpower, endurance, communication and a whole lot of giving to be married.I sound like I'm talking more about a marathon than a marriage, but when you think about it, isn't that what it is?
You have to have the strength and the willpower to be able to endure some of the hurts that you go through when you live with someone, as they do you. Two complete strangers come together, fall in love and form a bond that is supposed to be lasting and enduring. No one ever tells you about the bad side of marriage. No one tells you about the disappointments, the hurts, the arguments, the pain that it can inflict at times. Sure, there are great times too. Like the first anniversary, the birth of your children, the secret times when you can get away together, the little secrets you share and the talks and togetherness and the secret life in your bedroom.
It's special, it's marvelous, sometimes it's amazing and sometimes it's just downright HARD!!!
Like when your spouse prefers their friends or the television over you. When you see the bald spots getting bigger, the belly getting rounder, the age lines around the eyes creeping in, the breasts sinking to the bellybutton, the cottage cheese thighs and ass, the gray hair starting to intrude onto your head. You look at each other and smile a secret smile and realize that life has come and taken you away in its tide, but you're willing to ride it out because you believe in marriage and you feel its bond around your finger and the strings attached to your heart make it impossible to walk away.
My husband always teases me about the time when I was so thin he could put his hands around my waist and touch his fingertips and I, in turn, tease him about the time he had hair I could run my fingers through!
But sometimes when I look at him, I don't see the older man he's becoming, but that young man with the determined swagger, those dark blue eyes and the smile that knocked my socks off. I remember the first kiss, the first time we made love, our first fight, our wedding day and the fights we had before it happened. I remember the birth of each of our children, the illnesses and deaths of our parents, the moving from one house to the other - so many memories, so much time has passed and I look at him now and wonder what the hell happened?
We were bold, we were adventurous! We were against the odds of staying married! We had dreams and hopes and desires = and then life got in the way. We started to get tired and the adventures didn't seem to be so wonderful anymore. We fulfilled most of our dreams and the desires were put on hold - for the kids, for our jobs, for the house, for whatever!
I watch him from across the dining room table at dinner as he sits and eats and wonder what is on his mind. He looks up and smiles and says another great meal. He didn't say that 26 years ago before I could cook. He pretended to like my food back then and I was determined I was going to be as good or better than his mom, and I did.
I was determined to make him happy and to be the wife and the lover he would be proud to have, and I did.
But in the end, I left so little time for myself, gave up my independence, traded my needs and desires for the good of our family and concentrated on the children and their lives, hoping that when they were grown we would continue as before when we were first married.
But life has gotten in the way and try as I might, I can't find that road back. I can't seem to find that person I used to be. She's not anywhere around. Somewhere I misplaced her and when I look in the mirror, I swear there's a stranger looking back at me.
She's a little older, a little heavier, a little more serious and a little more sadder. But then I look at him and see him the same way. I guess walking this path we have chosen to follow has made us give up some part of ourselves and we have fallen into that old pit of complacency.
Then I look at our friends, at their struggles, their lives and I think to myself - "damn, I'm lucky! Lucky because Ihave lived a good life, have fought some great battles and come out a little scarred and a whole lot scared, but I made it! I'm still standing, still walking that path, still holding on, still together after all this time. Many have fallen by the wayside, many have given up and called it quits, but I refuse to give up or give in. I am and always will be a fighter, as my husband is and as my children are becoming.
I observed him today, mowing the grass, the sweat glistening on his brow, his shirt soaked down the back and watched his determined stride, caught a glimpse of his dark blue eyes, a little crinkled at the corners now, and when he looked up, saw that smile that can still knock my socks off, ( was it the glass of iced tea or me, I wonder!) I realized that this marriage is not over, it's worth holding onto and it's worth the path I have chosen to walk with him as I'm sure we all feel in some way with the spouses we have chosen to live our lives with.
We may diferentiate a time or two, and dream of the better things, of newer and undiscovered territory of other people, but when it comes down to it, what do we really want?
To those of us who believe in marriage, we want what we've always wanted - our spouses - to love, cherish and be there for us as we have for them. Trouble is, it doesn't always happen and life gets in the way, and then the wondering begins again and the thirst for adventure rears its head once more and we dream of another time when we all said, "I do too."


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