Not Unreal, Real.  

waggypolly 71F
7449 posts
3/14/2006 11:28 pm

Last Read:
3/26/2007 7:33 am

Not Unreal, Real.

I loved the responses to my last post. Today I want to explore the first half of my comparison more fully today.

interested13563 was right when he said that many of us here “live mostly in an electronically induced fantasy. However, that fantasy is imagined by the real them.”

horny4770 says that, like me, he’s had surprises on meeting. To some extent this is inevitable: we will all choose our best photos; none of us want to list our bad habits on our profiles.

tillerbabe had good advice about testing the real world reality of the people she meets in blogs and on profiles thruogh chat and phone calls before meeting. Another way is to move quickly from contact to real meeting. Of the few people I’ve met in RL from here the nicest meeting of all occurred that way.

My point today is that there are different ways of constructing the relationship (ie different ways of thinking about it) between the real and the fantastic. The people I mentioned above know how to move between the two.

Others deliberately or accidentally confuse the distinction. Some exploit it in nefarious ways; others become their victims. At least two people have staged their own deaths in Blogville, pretending they were dead in RL as well. Many people were deeply hurt by this, unable to laugh it off as just fantasy. Another example: one of my first Blogville friends was a hetereosexual man who’d been corresponding with a woman and begun to get fond of her. At some point in the relationship they revealed they were a man. This hurt him deeply.

These examples represent the down-to-earth way of thinking about the question, “Is Blogville real?” It holds the real and the fantastic apart, sometimes remembering the difference, sometimes testing for the truth, sometimes misrepresenting the truth. ... ... But always working from basis that there IS a gap.

Watch for the upcoming post “But not Unreal: Superreal”

This is Polly, still Wagging
Remember: ! Bloggers are a Better Breed !

Latest post: Naked

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
3/15/2006 12:19 am

i don't think it is entirely fantasy that we get to live out here ONLY, but i can let my different personas have free rein. i don't feel obliged to stick to one. blogville is created on a kind of consensus of how things should be. i get pretty irritated at times by how that gets enforced... based on what i think are cultural presumptions, not necessarily common to all of us.

[blog freelove999]

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
3/15/2006 1:41 am

I think most of us are who we are. But, in our own naivite...we often buy into the fantasy in a way that we shouldn't. And one man I know...has a obsessive/compulsive streak...and dives into the electronic relationship in a way that he never should. He gets his emotions involved too quickly....with no real contact with the person of his affection. He ends up being the one hurt the most...because he beats himself up when it all comes crashing down. I think your posts have been thought provoking...and it is interesting to see some of the people that have learned how to move between the reality and the fantasy worlds. Great blog Polly! Can't wait to read the next one.

VATraveler1948 68M

3/15/2006 3:48 am

Polly, I was just about to say the exact same thing that Angel said. People can truly get their lives wrecked by an electronic relationship.

LickYourYoni 67M
465 posts
3/15/2006 9:13 am

my electronic doorstep leads to one more
aspect of my personality. in RL, we often
wear one or more masks that other real worlders
never/rarely see. yet here, we wear the mask
the other way around, revealing juicy details
and (usually) hiding our face. perhaps it is
some type of balancing act that we try to achieve.

papyrina 51F
21133 posts
3/15/2006 12:18 pm

i'm exactly the way i am here as i am in real life,at the begining of cyberland not blogsville,my first cyber friend i fell hard and would have done anything to be with him ect but as things got heavier and heavier i met him a few times and things just didn't feel the same as writing and camming from then on i've been wise with my friendships,learned from the first and now just accept without getting too involved,i can keep fantasy separate from reality

I'm a

i'm here to stay

interested13563 53M
2557 posts
3/15/2006 1:16 pm

The world is often surreal as it stands.
Blogland offers both an imaginative escape
and a realistic support.

starlight_runner 39F

3/15/2006 3:06 pm

think not in terms of reality but practicality for I can do what you want me as long as I remain here, here in cyberland.

Keep your wits about u and your expectations low.Those who get hurt are the ones who need to believe.

Kisses Star

tillerbabe 55F

3/15/2006 11:10 pm

Ooooooo I like that: Bloggers are a better Breed! Me thinks you have an idea for a bumpersticker!!!!

I have a friend on here that doesn't BLOG, she has a hard time meeting guys that are what she wants; she's suspicious and not very revealing in her profile. She's a beautiful, sensitive woman,a nd a good friend. I had to tell her: "You attract who you are, so if you are attracting what you don't want maybe you should look at how you present youself. I think this holds a lot of truth for all of us. {=}

ella1966 50F
1528 posts
3/16/2006 1:44 am

Polly, to quote you...

"...While of course it's true that obsessive/compulsive people are that in RL, I think the potential for imagining a relationship is taking off online is greater, just because the involuntary reality checks aren't there. In RL the person I pine for brings me back down to earth every time I see; in cyber space I could go on believing the relationship is just about to take off..."

Dang Polly where were you when I needed to read or hear this, around December 2004-February 2005 when I made this fatal mistake I am still suffering for? Isn't that always the case in RL, that we only know what we need to know at the time through hindsight, or is it just me this happens to?

Again, a very thoughtful analysis. I too have become more analytical in my dealings with people. It has made me a bit more thicker-skinned, but also sadder that I had to learn it this way.

ella X

ella1966 50F
1528 posts
3/16/2006 1:49 am

    Quoting humboldthonni:
    Humans are multidimensional people In real time, we peel layers of ourselves off little by little until we trust our friends to keep those sides safe and private.

    But in blogging we jump to the chase much sooner, sharing deeply our minds, our humor and our hearts. It creates a false sense of who we are in all our aspects. It can be a good thing, but it can be a false perception.

    For me, I have learned to take the slower road and by experience become more conscious of all the layers that must be seen and felt in "real" time.

    I do like the fact that it can be a quicker process and gives me the opportunity to meet interesting people that would never come my way otherwise. Thats a good thing.
humbold, very wise advice and I only wish I had known this sooner - not via my blogging experience, but my very first "cyber" friendship/romance that went horribly wrong! I was too keen, took a gamble with my emotions and waged nearly everything and lost the lot!

ella X

horny4770 60M
8158 posts
3/16/2006 1:45 pm

Fantasy ‒ GAP ‒ Reality That gap definitely exists! Most flirt, exchange innuendos and some created facades that they believe may entice others to desire them. In RL I flirt and exchange innuendos and those things I brought here into Blogville. I enjoy fantasy as much as the next BUT a real person and their real emotions can be hurt as you stated. We all signed on as adults but not all, including myself, were prepared for the deceptions. It can and does take you off guard. Bloggers Beware! Objects in cyber mirror may be less real than they appear!

Looking forward to the next!

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
3/16/2006 2:26 pm

The other night I stayed up late IMing with several bloggers. We all had on our webcams, we all used headphones and mics. I know that what I described goes a little beyond the concept of Blogland, but nevertheless...there was nothing UNreal about it.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

redswallow777 48M
6810 posts
3/20/2006 7:50 pm

Your post takes me back to the book I have sent you....A General Theory of Love. In it the authors talk about how important visual cues are to our perception of reality. We in the sighted world depend on those cues for learning who and what to trust and who and what not to trust. The IM and the E-mail, and any electronic mode of communication for that matter, remove those important cues. We should always tread carefully when we go into a dark room blindly.

All that said....why is it that some folks keep making the same mistake in, always choosing people who physically abuse them? The authors tell us that it has to do with how the brain is wired over time.

I look forward to our book discussions.

redswallow777 48M
6810 posts
3/21/2006 6:06 pm

Yes, that is exactly it.....without data we are lost at sea, so to speak.

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