Trying To Be Positive  

vrec_dawn 39M
854 posts
1/21/2006 3:48 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Trying To Be Positive


Well, having my wife leave me has forced me to re-evaluate my life and look at a lot of things. It's sad that she's leaving me, and every day I have to fight to not fall into depression, to remain positive. But it really is the best for both of us.

The marriage started out with her depending on me for too much. She came from Australia to me in the US. She had no job once she got here. She had no car. As things went on, she never got a job. Her driver's license expired and she didn't renew it. She just relied on me for more and more and more instead of living her own life.

And likewise, I became dependant on her. I let her answer the phone and do the bills, and just got out of habbit. I started to let her handle everything. It was because I wanted her to feel like a part of the relationship, like she was doing something useful, but I grew dependant on that. I stopped making friends, and when we moved I didn't find any new friends, mostly because I wanted to make time for her.

And just as I start to grow into my sexuality, our marriage grew very stale in that department. There's been so much I've wanted there, so much that she wasn't willing to give me.

So I think it's best that we split up. We both have so much to grow, so much that we stifled with each other, constantly waiting on each other. We both put so much of our lives on hold for each other. Neither of us were happy, but when you're in love you just don't see these things. You lie to yourself. You pretend not to notice. I don't know.

At first we were so good for each other. We brought out the best in each other. But towards the end we were just hurting each other, and hurting ourselves.

It's so sad.

So now I have to learn to live life for myself all over again. **sigh** And now I have waaaay too much time alone. Time to be bored. Time to think. Time that I have to fight to not get depressed.

I need friends again. I hate to say it, but I also need a shoulder to cry on, but she's not there for me to cry on her shoulder anymore, and it hurts so much.

No.

I'm not going to fall into that. I don't want to cry.

Anyway, life sucks and then you die, but I'm trying hard to see the opportunity to experience, to live, to grow. It's not always easy, but I'm trying. I have so much to explore now. I just wish I knew where to start, and how to.

I've cut my hair. I'm losing weight. (I had to make two new holes in my belt.) I'm walking. I'm dieting. I'm using minoxidil to hopefully get my lost hair back. I've been reconnecting with family. I've been doing dishes, laundry, and cleaning for myself again. I've been cooking, experimenting, and trying new things. (I actually like fish for the first time in my life.) I'm trying to be more outgoing. I'm working at making myself a better me. That's something anyway.

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