Sorting Stuff 1 - Being A Father  

vrec_dawn 39M
854 posts
9/4/2006 10:51 am

Last Read:
9/5/2006 4:42 am

Sorting Stuff 1 - Being A Father

So, yeah. I've been given a lot to think about and feel my way through. And there's a lot of complicated stuff in there. Maybe I'll even write out more of these as time marches on and I figure things out. My earth has been shaken and as the dust settles I'm seeing some things clearly for the first time. And one simple thing struck me this morning.

I don't want kids.

I used to worry a lot that I'd be a bad father, because mine died when I was 7, and my mother wasn't exactly the best at it either. (Though she tried very hard for what she knew and had to deal with.) But so I'd always worried that I'd be a bad dad, especially for a son. I'm not into sports. I had no male role model in my life. I'm pretty androginous in that respect.

But there was the curse of my family name (and with it the family heirloom) to pass on. I'm the last of my line in that respect. The name jumped a few branches in the past, but has been a tradition in the family for a very many generations, always passed on to the first son of a first son. And now I'm the last one in the last branch that can even remotely be able to have a son to pass that on to. In fact even just my last name is also teetering on the edge of oblivion the same as the unique family first name. So it's not just the tradition, but the entire family line from a patriarchal naming society.

So it's a lot of pressure!

But after my grandpa died, him being part of that tradition, and my dad already dead, him also being a part of that tradition, and me now being the only living soul to carry this family name, I think that started to make it easier instead of harder. Because I no longer had someone to fullfill the dream of that continuation for. They're dead. They'll never live to see it, you know?

So now I can just be me. I don't have their expectations to burden me.

And it's funny. Dru has made me realize just how open my heart is and how loving I can be, and that all of my insecurity and self-doubts were from my ex, not because of any failing in me. And so I now think I'd make one hell of a kick-ass dad! In fact, I know it. I love through and through, and would do anything for my children should I ever have them.

But you know? I don't really want to be a dad.

Oh, maybe that'll change if I meet the right woman and I love her so much that I want to give her that gift of us living on. Or something like that. But then it would be for her, or at least us, or something like that. It wouldn't be just for me.

I mean you know, for me and me alone? I just don't want it. I'm even tempted to get the surgery to ensure it doesn't happen by accident, because condoms aren't fool proof. Because the only thing worse than having a child for someone else who wants one, because at least that would be a shared love, would be having a child with someone I don't love enough to stay with. And then I'd have to fight for as much custody of that child as I could possibly get because I know that I'll love my child more than anyone else ever could. (Well, at least unless I meet a woman just like me. )

So how weird is that? For once I really and truly believe that I'd make a good father, the best father ever. A very good father. And yet, it's like knowing that was all I needed, and now I think I'd really rather prefer not being a father at all. Not because I'm afraid I'd be a bad one, but, I dunno. There's a lot of reasons. But mostly I think it's just because it's not something I need.

And again, who knows? Maybe if I met the right woman it'd be something I'd want.

But I can honestly say I could go my whole life without bringing a life into this world and I would have no regrets. And that brings a weird kind of peace, knowing that I know that now, and that I'll never have to wonder.

Maybe it's kind of sad. And it's not that I don't have a 'mothering' (slash fathering) heart. I have a very giving heart, and have no problems caring for people I love. But it's just something I don't want for me and me alone. The human race will go on without me, and I'm not tied to a genetic belief anyway. I'm a witch. I believe in the spirit more than I do the gene. So I have no basic human urge to make sure my genes live on in someone else. There's just no need. And I can love someone just as much that isn't made from my genetic material. Or I could even just not be presented with the situation to raise a child at all and still be just fine with that. I'll have other lives, with their other experiences, and that's okay.

Well, that's one thing sorted anyway. Only half a million more to go!

JazzDlight 59F

9/4/2006 11:47 am

V I think it is very premature of you to be thinking this way. You are only 29 and you don't know where you will be at this time next year in your life. I suggest you give it time, and not doing anything you may regret down the line. I would suggest you get out there and start dating, join a local single group in your area through a church, social club, or join a bowling league, etc. just to meet some new people and get out and circulate as the saying goes. JMHO Hugs, Jazz

vrec_dawn replies on 9/4/2006 2:46 pm:
To be honest, I don't think it's all that premature. Most people who have had kids will have had them by now already. And it won't be long before it'll become irresponsible to have them. Studies have shown that as men get older their sperm begin to change too. I'm not saying I can't be a father. Or that I wouldn't be if the opportunity presented itself. Just that I'm really okay with not being one. I don't need a son to carry on my genes, you know? No regrets.

druidrocker 62F

9/4/2006 2:07 pm

Ah Vrec - do yourself a favor - don't try sorting everything out in a few days - you have years - wonderful, exciting, scary, frustrating, confusing, loving, crazy, ...... years ahead of you. Take a breather and let the spirit you so truly have alive in you work things out as the need arises. All in good time my sweet one - all in good time - and that is one thing you have plenty of - relax and enjoy the journey.

vrec_dawn replies on 9/4/2006 2:52 pm:
I wasn't even trying to work this one out. It just came to me. Of all things. Why couldn't something more useful and pertinant have hit me, I don't know.

But it just hit me suddenly, out of the blue.

I mean and I'm still open to seeing what time may bring. I'm not saying I'd never have kids. Or that I wouldn't be the best father I could be to someone who already had them. But should it never happen, that's just fine too. No worries. For the first time in my life, when it comes to the question of being a father, I have no worries. I have no expectations. I have no desires. I have no fears. I have no biological clock ticking. The clock fell over and broke. But the heart is more able than ever.

JazzDlight 59F

9/4/2006 4:37 pm

well you should have someone to pass on the wisdom of dealing with bats to I mean come on....that is knowledge that will come in handy one day!

vrec_dawn replies on 9/5/2006 4:33 am:
True. But then, that's what I'm doing already. Regardless of having children, I'll still give every last bit I can to the world.

rm_Jacanaa 60F

12/22/2006 11:59 am

You are obviously a caring would be a good father. But that doesn't mean you should be. There is no virtue in bringing children into the world. As to the sports issue...being a sportsman does not make one a good father...I many ways it can make one a difficult one. I do think you should leave your choices open for a while longer...and not take measures that would be irreversible. I totally understand how having the parents gone gives one freedom to be oneself...despite the sadness and the loss.

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