Sorry For The Rant  

vrec_dawn 40M
854 posts
4/13/2006 4:21 pm

Last Read:
4/14/2006 9:29 pm

Sorry For The Rant

I'd take it down, but I'm not writing in my journal anymore. This has kinda just become it. Which makes my entries a little more personal I guess. Scary thought that.

But ... sorry.

I just really had to get that out. It's been eating and eating and eating at me. And you know what? Believe it or not, I do kind of feel better now.

My aunt even called, and there's going to be a family party this Sunday. I hope I remember. But I'm looking forward to going. I'll probably even be happy about the idea in a few.

I don't know. Life is funny.

I just wish it wasn't so exhausting.

I really hate being angry. I abhor it. And yet I do it so well.

I just wish I didn't want to cry so much right now. On the one hand, it's good to not be angry anymore. On the other ... this isn't much of an improvement. It's some, but not much. I'd give anything to just have someone love me and hold me right now. Even just for ten minutes. Everything I own. Everything. Just for that. Instead the woman that was supposed to want to do that for me is the one that's made me so fucking angry and depressed. It's just not right.

Oh well.

I'll be better by tomorrow. I'll bounce back. I always do.

Sometimes though, sometimes I wish I could just not cope. That I could just let it drive me completely and totally loony. That I could just lose myself in a funny farm for a while and throw myself at padded walls and drool on myself under the influence of some totally numbing drugs. Wouldn't that be a nice vacation? To just live, really live what you feel for a while? It's a shame society expects us to be such happy shiny people all the time. Maybe if we could just be more ... real ... the world wouldn't be such a confusing place anymore.

I mean imagine a world where you could just call in to work depressed. Or where if you had a bad day someone might actually buy you a drink and let you vent for a while. A world where a complete stranger might give you sex right against the side of a building just to cheer you up, just because, and no one would think anything strange about it, or object.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazier than I thought. But wouldn't it be nice if we could live in a world where everyone just was themself? Where no one had to hide behind some mask because people might think something about them? Where life just was, and everyone could just nod knowingly and go "uh huh", and we'd all understand? Or at least if not understand, at least give them room to just be, and not think anything less of them the while?

I don't know.

singleagain53578 47F

4/14/2006 5:22 am

I am just a phone call away when you get in these moods. I am alone here most of the time too. Now that summer is here, call me or I will call you and we can getout and do things together. Go buy some roller blades and learn how to use them with me this summer.

As for sex on the side of the building, you are on your own with that one! Pfffft


vrec_dawn replies on 4/14/2006 3:38 pm:
Me on roller blades ... that's a scary thought. Still, yeah, getting out and doing stuff would be cool.

It's funny though. It's like, when I'm depressed (or worse, angry) the last thing I want to do is actually interact. It's probably what I need, but I hate being a downer on my friends. **shrug**

singleagain53578 47F

4/14/2006 8:40 pm

Yeah I am the same way, but I made an oath, no more feeling sorry for myself. It's time to live!


vrec_dawn 40M

4/14/2006 9:29 pm

Well damn skippy on that bit. It is time to live! I'm with you there. And hell, if I can find some skates that I can afford, it may even be something fun to try. Any suggestions on that front? **LOL** Maybe we should go out shopping. I'm going to need some shorts and lightweight tshirts and stuff to wear during the summer too, if I'm gonna be out in the hot air huffing and puffing instead of hiding in a nice safe air-conditioned room.

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