|Blogs > vrec_dawn > The DAWN Of Something New!|
So, it's been a weird, rough, happy day. Strange enough for you yet? I'll explain.
This morning while doing laundry I logged onto an online game I like to play, and completely by weird freakish chance, ran into someone I barely know, that I haven't seen for ages. He more knew my ex. Was infatuated with her might be a better description.
Anywho, he brings her up, kinda complaining how she'd talk his ear off and he'd just ignore her while pretending to listen. And a lot of it was about me. It was funny. But it also greatly pissed me off that she's ranting to someone about breaking up and about me, but that she never talked to me about anything. You know? She couldn't relate our problems to her life partner, but she could to a stranger. That pissed me off.
But I don't like being angry. So I let it go.
Well, hours later I get to my family gathering. It's a silly fun affair as always, with croquet and drinking and BBQ. And my aunt mentions to me that she saw my ex. With a tattoo. And started mentioning stuff they talked about. And that brought up all sorts of anger again. You know?
It's just so frustrating. She's this exciting amazing person all over again. For someone else. Even went out across the nation, on money from the divorce settlement, to fuck him and get tattooed. And if their relationship lasts, and she doesn't grow up, then a year or two later she'll just be dependant on him like she was me, and ruin his life like she did mine. Because the happy thing is just a mask. Deep down inside she doesn't love herself and when the newness of romantic love wears off she becomes a leech sucking you dry to make up for her own lack of love inside.
Well, anyway, so flirked if I couldn't help being angry all over again. Partly at her. Partly that she's gonna ruin some new guy's life. Yada yada.
So then after the party winds down, realizing that I'm angry and not wanting to go home, I go to Parfrey's Glen. I take a nice walk. I connect with nature. I smell the flowers. (I love wildflowers.) I ask my guides and such to help me release my anger. I meditate. I do a little water ritual at the river. I relax. I feel better. By the time I left I was even skipping like a little kid and dancing with the wind. He he he. Literally. Can you picture that? I'm such a nut.
And I get home. And I'm thinking. When the ex and I broke up, we recognized that we'd had a codependant relationship. Only, the more I think about it since then, the more I don't think it was. Oh, she was extremely dependant on me. Don't get me wrong. Even now, her money that lets her be jobless was my money. She never got her license renewed, so she needed me to drive her everywhere. She never worked. She turned herself completely and totally dependant on me in every way possible. As I said, a leech.
Only me, I never depended on her for anything. I gave her opportunites to contribute something to the relationship. She paid the bills for example. But I never needed her to. I was quite capable of doing it myself. Stuff like that.
And while before after the break-up I had been worried that I'd never find happiness again, now I've found that I'm completely happy being me. Just me. I can make myself happy. Because I love myself. You know? I can resolve my problems. I can manage. I'm all I need, even if I wouldn't mind sharing my life with someone again.
And so I've come to the conclusion that I wasn't then, or am now, co-dependant. She depended on me, but I never needed her. I'd just offered her a place in my life. And that's all I'll ever do. I'm happy being me, and I can share that with someone. I just can't live your life for you is all. If you want to be happy with me, you have to love yourself too.
So I've decided to call this concept no-dependant. It's individuals who are all they need by themselves making the opportunity to share a part of their lives. No dependancies. No draining. Just opportunities. That's me. I get it now.
8/19/2006 10:15 pm
good job ! I am glad your guides heard you and were able to help you shed your anger and pain - Brightest Blessings - enjoy the rest of your life|