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Kiss My Ass!
Kiss My Ass!
I'm really out of sorts. I'm trying to be positive and happy, but I so often find myself swimming in anger, confusion, depression, etc. So I feel like I'm constantly swirling in conflict. It's been throwing me off, to say the very least. Call me a ditz, but I only just realized that this is a four day weekend for me, because it's Independence Day. Who knew? Yeah. I'm Captain Oblivious here.
I guess it's just that every other year I've actually had plans for today to look forward to. Usually which fireworks to watch with the ex. Or which Baraboo Circus / World parades to avoid by visiting family. You know ... plans. A life.
I've come to realize, I have no life anymore. Or at least much less of one anyway. I've no one to share days with. No one to make plans with. No one to be my copilot on road trips. It's just me now.
I guess I'll have to stop and think about that. What does that really mean? You know? I mean I'm free to do things, which is good. But no one to do them with, which is bad. I can now go out and enjoy all of the things that my ex wasn't interested in before. But I have no one to share how these experiences made me feel. Do I really want the experiences? Or do I just want something new to share in a connection with someone?
I mean I know I have friends. And I have you, my faithful readers. And I mean no offense. But it's just not ... the same. I dunno. I think it's mostly the look of interest in the eyes of someone I love and such. A touch. A smile. There's only so much that online can do, and as much as my friends in person mean well... **shrug** I don't know. Beats me. It's just not the same, though I appreciate the thought and effort all the same.
Right now I'm not even sure what the heck I'm feeling. Good? Bad? Happy? Sad? I don't know. I'm so confused. I think I'm feeling all of them ... at once.
And I'm kind of happy to have the vacation and all, you know, from responsibility, life, etc. ...but I also feel bored and alone. You know?
Really REALLY alone.
I keep hugging my pillow when I go to sleep, but no matter how much I want it to be, it's just not a suitable replacement for holding someone I love. I miss love. Heck, I even just miss contentment. I mean there doesn't have to be 'love' to still be happy to be with someone. In theory. I've never put that to practice, so maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Beats me. But I miss ... well ... so very much.
Anyone want to come to Baraboo and snuggle with me for the weekend? No sex necessary. And free food? Long term commitment not necessary, though certainly not impossible.
Bah. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I know is that one thing I do feel like is saying, "KISS MY ASS!" Only I don't know at who, or why. Maybe just at life in general. Maybe at myself. **shrug** Who knows...
I wish I at least had a nice ass. Women are so much curvier than men. **sigh**
7/1/2006 10:53 pm
hey vrec...i just read your post, kiss my ass....i wish i could have emailed you directly but i can't so i won't say too much other than i would like it if you would contact me...i know exactly what you mean about not having someone to share things with...we complain about our significant others when we have them, but then we complain when we don't have one either...i'm trying to figure out which one is worse....being with someone or without....last year on the 4th of july i got into a fight with my ex cuz he was drunk as hell...now i have no one to go with this year and i am going alone...i was 'alone' last year and i'm 'alone' this year...THIS SUCKS!!!|