If You Could Only See  

vrec_dawn 39M
854 posts
5/30/2006 3:58 am
If You Could Only See

And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

What weird dreams I'm having lately. Again and again they involve me catching my ex in a lie. Sometimes the strangest and most nonsensical trivial little things, but always a lie, that she always refuses to come clean on.

I don't know what she's lying to me lately about. It'd be nothing new though. Not that she's a pathological liar, but I don't think she's just ever let me "in", so she always lies to protect herself. (Though she's usually claimed it's to protect me when I've called her on it in the past.) She's just never been fully honest. With me anyway. Hopefully she can learn to let someone in enough to be honest one day. Preferably her new boyfriend if that relationship is going to go any better than our marriage did. Not that I expect that to happen. I really wish she could see how strongly it mirrors everything that we went through. Likely she's just going to fuck up some new guy's life now.

But the real question is, why am I having these dreams? Do I care if she's lying to me now? I mean, hell, it's not like she'll even be my wife legally for much longer, and emotionally it's been dead there for months. (One could say it's been a dead marriage for years if one truly wants to be honest, not for a lack of effort on my part to fix things though, since I was dumb enough to keep loving her anyway.)

I guess, on some level, it still hurts. I hate lies. And I'd like to think that of all the people in the world, someone I've loved for eight years would tell me the truth.

But on the other hand, really, what does it matter at this point? And is it worth a confrontation? Especially with no evidence, just intuition.

I don't know. All I do know is that now I've found the perfect song to describe our marriage.

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