|Blogs > vrec_dawn > The DAWN Of Something New!|
I Figured Out What Is Wrong
I Figured Out What Is Wrong
This has been an utterly depressing morning. Cartoons couldn't cheer me up.
Taking a shower couldn't cheer me up.
Watching porn couldn't even cheer me up.
And so I laid down on my bed, tired, and completely depressed.
And as I hugged my pillow to me, I cried.
And it came to me, why I was so sad.
It's stupid really, but it's not. It's a delayed reaction to something my ex said a while back. She told me that she wanted to move out the summer. Which I'm happy about, really. The sooner she's gone, the sooner I can actually get on with my life.
And as frustrating as it is to hear her talking about staying in America now instead of going home, because things are working out again with her boyfriend, because I sooooo see her doing the same thing with him that she did with me, and know that if she doesn't take care of herself first, she'll just ruin that relationship too. As frustrating as that is, what got me today, not then, but today, was the comment that he's going to visit her.
The thought of her sleeping with another man just breaks my heart. It's stupid. We're legally seperated. The divorce shouldn't be long now. And I know that this is what people do, especially people in love.
Yet for some damn reason today it's tearing at my heart. The thought of something so special as we shared, now being shared with someone else. I think it's that thought, more than anything, that has ripped me open. Not that she doesn't love me anymore. Not that she even loves someone else. But that, of all things.
And it's funny because in theory I even believe in polyamory, and in sex being just sex. But I know with me it's not, at least not yet. And I know with her it's not. And so it was something special between us. And now she'll be giving that something special to someone else. And I have nothing.
And it just makes me realize how much I miss love. Just ... love. Just holding someone in my arms and that bringing us both such joy in our hearts because we love one another. Just seeing a smile on someone's face because she looked at me and felt something. Just ... love.
I miss that. I feel so ... empty.
It's stupid. I've already cried more than enough tears over the months, especially when we first broke up. I knew that she was going to move on. So for it to catch me again, now, so late in the game, and from such a stupid thought. I don't know. I guess I'm just a stupid stupid man.
It's funny, you know. It seemed like learning to love myself would be enough. That if all I depended upon was me, that at least I'd never let me down. I thought that would be enough. But I found that, and I love myself, and I'm changing so many things that I didn't like about myself. So I really love who I am now. And yet...
I feel so alone.
5/27/2006 12:05 pm
that just sux ....
hope you'll feel better soon
5/28/2006 4:57 pm
Yep. They suck! But it's a part of healing, be grateful that you can allow yourself to feel the pain you are feeling. Some men NEVER get it! Kudos to you! |
To help with your aloneness, try getting a pet, if your living situation allows it. I have two dogs, and it has been an absolute life saver for me since my divorce. My dogs are teaching me what unconditional love is, as do all animals.
You'll get through this, just fine. And the better man your aiming to become as well. And when the time is right, there will be a woman in your life who will appreciate who you are and give you back all the joy and companionship you are seeking.
People used to tell me a long time ago, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. The same goes for relationships. When your ready, she will appear.
keep the faith darlin,,,