vrec_dawn 39M
854 posts
2/8/2006 6:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


I'm feeling pretty down. Granted, I've been feeling pretty blah all day, but I just had an unfortunate revelation. Deep down in my heart I still feel that sex is an expression of love.

Oh sure, on the surface that probably sounds romantic, beautiful, innocent, pure, and all that crap. But dammit, it's enough to make me cry!

It's so not fair.

I'm so tired of it.

I mean I don't even know if I feel that way because I was sexually abused by a foster sister as a child and that's how I finally learned to cope with sex, or if I feel that way because for some damned reason, underneath all of my sarcasm, darkness, and cynicism I'm actually not just a 'nice guy', but a damned romantic to boot.

Don't get me wrong, yeah, there are times when I like being a romantic. Deep down I really do believe in sappy things like the goodness of mankind, that life should be about happiness and love, yada yada. And yeah, I'm an emotional person. Hell, when I was younger I was freaking empathic, and to this day I think it's kind of sad that so much of society shuns supernatural stuff like that (or worse, blames it on the devil) instead of embracing it and teaching people to use their gifts for the benefit of society instead of making you so afraid of being 'different' that you learn to block it so damn well that later when you grow up and want to learn how to use gifts like that better you still can't figure out how to unblock it.

But flirking shiznit, why can't I just be like a normal damn guy? Why can't I look at a hot woman and just want sex? Why can't I just be shallow and enjoy it? I want to be that man, at least for a while.


You know, when I was meditating once, Quan Yin told me that I need to accept love wherever it comes from. It's funny because he/she (long story) was talking about sex at the time. I mean even the spirits talk to me like the two are related. And I think that it's a beautiful thing.

And that's what is so depressing about it. Deep down I really feel that it is a beautiful thing. How can I overcome something like that?

I mean yeah, a part of me wonders why I would want to. But another part of me wants to shout back, "Because I just want to experience meaningless sex, damn it!"

Oh well.

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