|Blogs > vrec_dawn > The DAWN Of Something New!|
Well, my grandpa is dead. My father died when I was seven. Since then my father's father has been the closest thing that I've had to a father. Last night I got a call that he was in the hospital and that he wasn't going to make it. This morning he left us.
None of us really saw it coming. I mean sure, he had health issues. His memory was going too. He wasn't doing well. But he was chugging along, never giving up, no matter how depressed he would get about it. He was afraid to die, because I don't think he really had any strong beliefs in what comes after to reassure him. So he held on out of fear. But still, he has always held on and pulled through. He's a stubborn man.
So when he went into the hospital for not feeling well, yet again, which has been a fairly common occurance with him lately, no one really thought anything of it. But his body had had enough. Even though his lungs had enfisema and his heart was fairly shot, in the end it was his kidneys that just completely failed. They shut down and there simply was nothing that anyone could do. My guess is they were just taxed by all of his medications.
I didn't get a call until 8.30 that night, when the doctor had told the family that was with him that he would be dead in a couple of hours. So I totally missed my chance to say goodbye while he was still conscious. By the time someone thought to call me, he was in a coma. But I can't really be mad about it. Everyone was in shock. And I did get to say goodbye.
We stuck by his bed until 3 in the morning, just watching his breathing get worse and worse while they pumped him full of morphine to keep him from suffering. But the stubborn old bastard wasn't giving up, and we were all exhausted from being up late, and from crying. So we decided to go home and catch a few hours of sleep and then meet back at the hospital.
Well, wouldn't you know it, it was in those few hours that he gave up. Maybe it was because his family was no longer around him. I don't know. But it seems like such a sad thing, to have all of your loved ones around you, giving you comfort. Then you're suddenly abandoned. How could you not give up hope if you still have any level of consciousness at all at that point?
I don't know. I knew as I left that was the way it would be though. When I drove home I reassured myself that it wouldn't happen that way because grandma was staying with him.
Intuition is a bitch.
Grandma was supposed to stay to call us if anything changed, but ended up going home an hour after the rest of us left because she became worried about her dog, and because he just wasn't giving up and he'd been not giving up for so many hours beyond what the doctor had said was normal.
Oh well. You can't change what has already passed.
And he knew that he was loved. I've never put so much energy into such a long Reiki session. It really seemed to help ease some of his pain, especially when the fluid in his lungs started bothering him. Though at one point I began to wonder if I wasn't prolonging his dying. I don't know. But he was loved. And he lived a good life. We were all with him for hours and hours, even if we unintentionally flaked out at the very end.
Afterwards we grabbed a ton of misc. chinese and crashed at grandma's house. No longer grandpa and grandma's. Just grandma's now. We got to reminisce. Even my mom and sister from Illinois drove the hours up to see him and join us for that. It was good. I just wish we'd had their numbers on us to call them sooner so they could have seen him while he was still alive. In that respect, I lucked out.
So far I don't think there's really a service planned. Not anything traditional anyway. He's going to be cremated. I think the ashes will be split up between grandma and his kids, and they'll each do their own something special with them. I think my uncle plans to sprinkle them on my father's grave, so that father and son can be together again. I'm not sure what the rest plan to do. But I think the plan is to have some formal gathering of some sort this Friday, when he's cremated. No priests. No religion. No caskets or viewings. Just loved ones crying and hugging a lot. As if we haven't been doing a lot of that already.
So, yeah. It's sad. I'm still kind of numb.
It's also the end of an 'era'. My father is gone. My grandfather is gone. My uncle and his son are both surgically infertile. I'm the last of my line to carry on the family name. As far as I know, there are no other branches remaining. It's a weird feeling. I mean nothing has really changed, I guess. It's not like grandpa was going to have more kids. But now I'm the only one alive with the family name. Somehow that makes it feel different. I suddenly feel so much more alone.
Or maybe I just feel alone because I've lost the closest thing I ever had to a father for most of my life.
Well, I'm running on two non-consecutive hours of sleep. I should really just crash now. Maybe after a glass of water. I'm sure that I'm also dehydrated.
5/10/2006 5:29 pm
Sorry to hear about losing your grandpa. I lost mine a couple years ago and, even though we were like oil and water a lot of the time, I loved him immensely. He was there for me when my parents weren't able to attend school functions while I was growing up. To this day, I'll think of something I want to tell him or a picture that I want to send him and...pause...because I know I can't send him anything anymore. I can tell him anything I want though. |
"Dance like nobody's watching"
5/10/2006 5:37 pm
5/12/2006 4:17 pm
Vrec... Sorry to hear about your grandfather. But please do not beat yourself up over it that you were not there when he passed. You see, he planned it that way. He was chugging along while you were all there. He could see that you were all unhappy. Yeah I know he was in a coma but you see, his spirit was there, watching you all, making sure you were all ok. He knew how sad you all were over losing him. He was trying to be strong and he was holding on for as long as he could but he knew he didn't have much time. And after you all left, grandmother as well, he was finally able to rest in peace. You see, he knew it was going to be hard for you all to say good bye. To see him take his last breath. Believe me Vrec, it is NOT easy watching a loved one take their last breath. It's probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to see. And he knew that. He didn't want that for all of you. Instead, what he wanted was what you all did. You went to Grandma and Grandpa's house and you reminiced. He wanted you all to be happy. To remember the good times. Not the times where his health was failing. |
Even though he did not believe, he is in a better place. You for one will know that. And also remember, he is not hurting anymore.
Now if you need anything, I am around all week end long to help you with anything, or if you just need someone to hang with!!!
Your Good friend.... ~SINgle~