Beats Me  

vrec_dawn 40M
854 posts
12/18/2005 7:28 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Beats Me

Well, the wife and I had Yet Another Long Talk a week ago. Is anything resolved? I don't know. In it she basically told me that she loves me, but she's not sure that she's in love with me. But then she's not sure if she's ever been in love with anyone, because all she has to compare it to is that romantic notion of being in love. Which I can understand. I think at one time we've all fallen in love with the idea of falling in love. It's depressing that those romantic notions never are in real life what they are to our fantasies. So in that I know how she feels, I think it's really not so bad after all.

But then maybe I'm deluding myself.

I don't really know. I'd like to think not, but...

She also admitted that she mostly wanted me to meet with other women to meet my needs, but also partly wanted me to meet with other women so that I'd fall in love with someone else and have a woman that I deserved. She doesn't want me to leave her, but she feels guilty that she doesn't feel head-over-heels in love with me. She's also guilty about being (a little more than) generally lazy, and such like that. She feels like she's no good for me and doesn't understand why I love her.

Which in some ways is true and maybe if love were a rational logical thing, might be something. Maybe. But I'm certainly not a normal guy to be bothered by such trifles. Plus I make enough money for us both, so it's not like she has to work for us to get by. Ad I know that if something was actually needed that she'd step up. But besides, you don't love someone for doing the dishes or working a job. You love someone for their heart, their mind, their soul. You love someone because you love them. Emotions just can't be explained. They sit there, uninvited, and f up your life, whether you want them to or not, whether they make sense or not.

I tried to explain this all to her of course. I also tried to explain that even if she isn't in love with me, I am with her. So I'd still would rather have her.

To be honest, I really don't know what, if anything, got resolved. I mean if I just paid attention to the words, it'd sound pretty bad. But yet I came away from it feeling fairly good. **shrug** Beats me.

We did have some pretty amazing sex afterwords, which was great, because it's been, like, forever since that's been any good. And the next day we even had fairly okay sex.

But now, a week later, it's all the same old same old again. **sigh** I don't know.

I'm going to try changing a few things about myself, to go back to being a bit more the me I was when it seemed like she was in love with me ... because it sure as hell seemed like at one time she was, even if she doesn't seem to remember that now. The memory can be a tricky and selective thing, and I think she's just not remembering all that she should be because she's just in a funk. And it's not like changing is anything I'm not willing to do, or for that matter even necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes I wonder if I've just gotten a little too 'dark' lately anyway.

So we'll see where that goes. And I'll continue trying to win her heart back. It may all be stupid. It may all be doomed. But I can't not try, for the woman I love.

Goddess only knows how this twisted little tale will end.

Beats me.

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