A Night of Introspective Dreams  

vrec_dawn 39M
854 posts
3/13/2006 4:14 am
A Night of Introspective Dreams


Well, that was one wild night of crazy-ass dreams. I'd share them, but there's not much point. What matters more are the things that I realized when I woke up.

I realized how much I miss kissing. It's so sensual and exciting. And I miss that newness to a relationship where any touch, no matter how innocent, is so thrilling. Where you're so nervous about everything, and that makes every first so amazing. Where I can just rest holding her in my arms, innocent and fully clothed even, and hope to god that I don't fall asleep because I don't want to miss a second of it, even while my arm hurts because she's laying on it. Ye gods I miss things like that so much.

Wouldn't it just be awesome if a relationship could be so powerful that moments like that are always powerful and touching? That's how a perfect relationship should be.

I also realized that while I'm willing to help my ex, I'm not willing to kill myself helping her. I've got to look out for me. Which is nothing new. I knew that and had decided that already. But my dreams just continued to reaffirm that.

And, strangely, I think my dreams also indicated to me that I'm really ready to move on. That while I'm probably going to need my first post-ex relationship to be caring and gentle, that I've got to embrace it. I can't keep hoping that I'll feel better before my first post-ex relationship, because that healing can only come from that experience. Which makes it highly dangerous, because the potential to hurt me is great, but it's something I guess I just have to do.

Well, that's what the dreams indicated anyway. And I tend to trust my intuition.

Of course, the question is, how do I find a woman willing to be caring and gentle with me? AdultFriendFinder hardly seems like the place to look. But then neither does a bar. And I've no idea how to find anyone outside of those environs.

**sigh** But more to the point, how can I in good conscience even go looking for someone when I know that I'm not ready for a long term commitment yet? That the first relationship is likely doomed because it'll be healing me so much, but is highly unlikely to be my final destination? How do I even live with myself looking to use a caring woman like that? I don't know. It seems rather unfair to her, even if it is what I need.

But, luckily, that's not really a problem as for the next few months I don't really have my house to myself anyway. I guess I have a while to figure that out.

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