Friends after lovers?  

virtualgirl81008 46F
228 posts
3/20/2006 5:12 am

Last Read:
5/14/2007 5:38 pm

Friends after lovers?

Why is it that I can never seem to be friends with the men I have dated or had serious relationships with once things have ended?

Case in point...the first guy I dated after my divorce 18 months ago (we will call him G.W.) I dated for about three months. I just woke up one day and decided he was too much like my ex-husband and needed to try something different. I actually would not have minded staying friends with him, but in true Clingon fashion (see previous post)the phone calls and text messages kept coming. Despite the fact that we broke up in April and I never answered a call or returned a text, it continued until June. I have even gotten a couple since then. He even called my best friend and tried to become close to her in friendship and/or anything else he could get. She was too smart to go there, but chats with him occasionally.

Why, you ask, would I ever worry about a guy that sounds so much like a creep? GW does have some endearing qualities and is a fairly decent guy to hang out with or chat. Furthermore, now that I am dating Doc I may frequent the same places as GW and I hate that awkward feeling of embarrassment or not being able to say hi.

So, in light of my recent breakup and feeling a bit uneasy about alienating every intimate person in my life, I opened Pandora's box. After a year of being broken up, I text him to say hi and that I thought that I could handle being friends if he could keep from wanting to fuck my brains out (we had really good sex). He told me he was fine with that and would try to keep his hands to himself.

Don't get me wrong. Some people have been alienated from me on their own accord. I have had a few Rogers (previous post) along the way that stop taking MY call. I don't get it, but apparently when they have had their sexual fill, I am no longer needed. I am getting better at spotting the Rogers, and have avoided them for the last 5 months now. I don't mind casual sex, but being an ass to your fuck-buddy is something different.

What I really yearn for is a friendship with my most recent boyfriend, who you may have been reading about. For the sake of posts I will call him A.P. Patience is a virtue here and I will have to just sit back and let him have the time and space he needs. We have definitely made some good strides since the break-up.

Are there any tips out in passion-land for a girl who wants to stay friends with her lovers?

Kaliedascope61 41M
4084 posts
3/20/2006 5:42 am

A lot of guys feel like this after something least I know I do. especially if she ended it.

"If it can't be more, if I'm not enough for her that way, then whats the point of having anything at all?"

I think its diffucult to be around someone I want, when I can't have it. Its a miserable existance, I've tried, it doesn't work for me.

eroticcartoonist 37M
50 posts
3/20/2006 1:30 pm

I've had similar experiences as Kalied. Also, I've found that a significant amount of time has to pass in order for me to let go and just be compfortable enough around the former lover to be "just friends". Over time most sexual attraction just dissipates.


secretlover181 54M

3/20/2006 5:23 pm

You are a complete HYPOCRITE!

1girlrevolution 46F

3/21/2006 12:55 pm

For some reason, I'm friends with most of the men I've dated/slept with. Life is so short and I just cant waste it being upset or angry or walking on egg shells the next time I see them. One exception is the most recent man I cast aside. I don't think we can be friends. He crossed too many lines. While I know we all cross lines and then redraw them in the sand, sometimes things go too far and the new lines created just aren't deep enough to make a difference. This was one of those times. Who knows, in time maybe things will change but I'm not holding my breath on that one. Sometimes you just need to move on.

I'm most proud of the one man I dated over 15 years ago and still remain close friends with. We're even fuck-buddies. It has taken years to get here and a lot of work along the way. He's like dial-a-dick! Gotta love it now and then. Be patient, have a cooling off period, let the dust settle and be willing to give it a little work. It can happen but play your cards carefully and give it time.

addedadventure 50M
1 post
3/2/2007 8:44 pm

I broke up with my girl around Christmas (after 10 months). I'd love to be friends; however, I could never think of her being with another guy. I don't like my Ex W, so I have no issue with her being with someone else (plus I know what he is (or should say is not) getting). I think a lot depends on how / why the break-up. Mine was due to the fact she moved to Miami and the distance made it too hard. I still love her, but I could not handle the pain of her going out, and she could not handle me going out here. Both need the ability to go out (just with friends), but neither could stand the thought of it actually happening. We have had 0 communication since we broke up and as much as I want to be a friend, I still can't think of her being with someone else and I won't expose myself to that. Rambling - I know.

69springsguy 58M

5/14/2007 2:57 pm

It's never happened with me... I just try to move on and buck up and igmore them when running into them... hard though it may be...

I've had two friends who could do it... One was a pro surfer... one could live off his leftovers, lol

The other was an alcoholic... both had an endless string of girlfriends they maintained as friends...

The surfer moved to Hawaii and I picked up the alcoholic a few too many times to want to be around that anymore...

Otherwise, they certainly did come in handy when needing a last minute date... lol

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