Now it's time to say goodbye....  

velvetgrrrl 39F
1118 posts
9/2/2006 6:51 pm

Last Read:
9/7/2006 7:42 pm

Now it's time to say goodbye....

When is it time to say goodbye? How many times can you let things go unaffected before you realize that things aren't changing? When do you realize you have hit the climax of your spectacular love affair?

I find myself in a difficult quandary. I love this man, he has captured my heart, he satisfied me emotionally and spiritually. My sounding board when I need to go crazy. My psychologist without the bill. My lover and my friend. Sadly I don't believe our relationship will progress beyond where its at. We're the best of friends and happy with each other. Intimacy is not any more difficult now than it was when we started in fact we're even more comfortable and familiar with each other making it easier and more magnificent now than when we started.

But it's not progressing nor do I feel it will so I have stopped my heart from continuing to devote itself to an incomplete love. I have chosen to take a step back. I don't want anyone else. I don't want friends to talk about this with as I feel I have given it a lot of thought... I just feel in order to maintain ANY relationship with him I need to "nip it in the bud" in order to avoid it becoming more complicated, more painful.

My feelings for him will not change and nor will our relationship. He is and always will be my best friend but perhaps its the time to open my eyes to other possibilities. Or at least not wait around for something thats obviously not going anywhere. The very idea to not have him in my life scares me more than taking it further.
I guess I'm just choosing to NOT "hold my breath'. I'm turning blue waiting for it to come around.....


`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


sooolongsuckers 40M

9/2/2006 7:36 pm

What can a guy really say about someone else's relationship, ya know!!

Anyways, there's always room to be happy!

Relationship or no relationship!!

SO PLEASE YOURSELF, LADY!!!

Get it all!!
HAH heh HAAAAAAH!!!!
Take him for all he's worth, and then get MOOOORREE!! MOOOOOREE!!!

AAAAAAAHH HAAH HAHH!!!

Nothing can stop you now!!!

Except for crazy glue on the floor.

(not that I actually put crazy glue on the floor, or anything, but just in case I did, remember)

I did it aaaaaall for you!!!!
But I ain't gonna worry about that much, see, cause ya just might not care about that, see, so anywaySS

Ima gone ta do my thing!!

NOW YOU DO YOURS!!!!

Heh Heh HEh


cuteNEway 41F

9/2/2006 7:40 pm

why won't they evolve WITH us goddammit!!


Passion247000 46F
3195 posts
9/2/2006 8:23 pm

Sometimes the fear itself is enough to keep us from going forward.... I know I have problems with intimacy (with men) the closer they get the more I would push them away.... However, having a best friend is an important part of relationship....hope you can continue to have him as a friend.... Perhaps a honest talk will do....

Take care, sweetie....


OCoileain2004 48M/48F

9/2/2006 10:31 pm

Velvet kisses and satin sheets
Jewelry on the head board, kisses on the cheek
Closeness to hide the pain
Of love found in the sweetest rain
The fire of the city draws you in
Bliss found in the sin
Every want, every need wanting filled
Emptyness and happyness mixed and chilled
Cupids arrow fires again
This time we hope it hits my friend


blastngoff 52M

9/3/2006 2:42 am

Have you expressed what your true feelings are with your partner? Are you afraid of what you may hear ceonerning how he views your relationship and where it is headed? If you have and he has given you the indication that how he views where you stand is completely different that what you view or want, then it is probably best to part ways. Have an honest, open, and long conversation with him. Sometimes men are a bit simple, as long as we are "fat and happy" then in a lot of cases things will go along as they are. I dated a women for two years and she finally sat me down and asked me those questions...what are we doing and where are we going? Sorry to say that it took her to take that step. At the time I wasn't ready to go the next step and to be fair to her had to tell her the truth. I had no idea that she wanted more, but in retrospect I should have expected it. She didn't want to invest more (time, emotions, etc), in something that wasn't on some kind of "path". Communication is the key to any relationship and while open and honest communication can sometimes be hard to deal with, for your own sake and self-preservation you need that. You both deserve that. You both need to assess where you see yourselves within the relationship, your wants and needs both now and for the future. It is very hard emotionally to "walk away", but if the other person doesn't want to take your hand and walk along with you as a partner with some set of mutual relationship goals - in the long run you will be better off. I you do indeed love him and he is the "one", then talk..not an ultimatum, but an honest evaluation, but also know that there are times when we have to let go of even those things that we hold so dearly. Try to cope with the "what is", and begin to focus upon an optimistic "what will be". It is too easy for me to give advice since I am not having to deal with it, but based upon experience I have always found that over time wounds heal, though not always completely. I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for the best for you, both of you.


Choozmi 50M

9/3/2006 9:49 am

I'd wait before doing anything, and here's why:

You have something that sounds pretty good. You want it to be better. Heck, you want it to be the best.

If I had a nickel for every time I was in a relationship that I assumed had run its course (but it hadn't) I'd have about... twenty-five cents by now.

I'm still thinking of a dilemma I had a few years ago. I was seeing two very attractive, intelligent women. Both seemed crazy about me. I felt more passion for one than the other, so I chose her. She and I dated for about four months total and haven't really spoken since. Meanwhile, the other one has blossomed over the past six years into an amazing woman! She has become even more beautiful, more interesting, and her list of accomplishments continues to grow (she recently added "photographer, with gallery showings" to that list). She's more fun to talk to than ever. Did I mention she's a pediatrician? How cool can you get? And she's happily married with two kids.

I think about her often and wonder whether my search for the perfect relationship made me miss a perfectly good one that I already had.


DIVISION77 39M  
8321 posts
9/5/2006 3:18 pm

I'm finding alot of this really hard to believe.

On one hand you're saying that he is your "psychologist without the bill" and that he's fullfilling you emotionally and spritually yet you don't see the type of change that will allow the relationship to develop.

Do you realize how contradictory that sounds?

It sounds like you truly don't know what you want, nor that you even understand what type of relationship your friend is best suited for.

You sound lost to me.

If he was truly your psychologist, you wouldn't be asking these questions because he'd know you well enough to know whether he was right for you or not.

I tend to believe he's just a good friend that you should have kept as a friend instead of having sex with him and fucking up the dynamics of said friendship.

There are people in your life that should be kept as friends, that means you don't have sex with them.

I think you misjudged that and this is the cause of your current predicament.

I believe I even discussed some of these points with you via IM, the dynamics of why I will accept some people as friends while others are simply available as relationship material.

You didn't remember any of that I suppose.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
9/5/2006 4:00 pm

So in other words.... he's to predictible??

Poor deeevil!!

Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!


Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
9/5/2006 4:03 pm

    Quoting cuteNEway:
    why won't they evolve WITH us goddammit!!
But then we'd have to slow down and wait for you....and you KNOW how us menfolks hate waiting for anything

LOL



Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!


rm_Sami529 49F

9/5/2006 6:56 pm

i know exactly what your saying... i have been involved with a man intimately for quite sometime and have begun to develop feelings for him on a deeper level.... however, the fear of telling him that will most definately put a always present wall in the greatest friendship i have ever had....I too couldnt imagine a day without him in my life.. so i have too taken a couple steps back ... its hard tho... im with ya girlie


velvetgrrrl 39F

9/5/2006 7:09 pm

Div Unfortunately by the time I started talking to you I had been seeing him for about 6 months with a "friends with benefits" relationship status. Sadly with time and not getting to know anyone else resulted in my growing attached. You know sometimes when you spend time with them you start liking them more and more. Recently I took a step back and viewed my situation with him for what its worth it can be a FWB or it can be friendship. I don't think there is room for anything else. As far as the psychologist without the bill look at it as a figure of speech as I do talk with him about everything including my situations with him and yet he doesn't talk too much about our situation

Word To a degree he's very predictable. He's a homebody. Doesn't like to go out. Would much rather hang with people at home although he does have goals and ambitions. I think a lot of the negative weight though, has taken out the fighting spirits he had once long ago.

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


ruwithme66 50M  
67 posts
9/5/2006 8:31 pm

This happens all the time. Now that you have made this decision, you must stick with it and move on. No matter what anybody says or does.

Stay focus and be true to yourself.

Always best to make a firm gettaway


DIVISION77 39M  
8321 posts
9/5/2006 11:06 pm

    Quoting velvetgrrrl:
    Div Unfortunately by the time I started talking to you I had been seeing him for about 6 months with a "friends with benefits" relationship status. Sadly with time and not getting to know anyone else resulted in my growing attached. You know sometimes when you spend time with them you start liking them more and more. Recently I took a step back and viewed my situation with him for what its worth it can be a FWB or it can be friendship. I don't think there is room for anything else. As far as the psychologist without the bill look at it as a figure of speech as I do talk with him about everything including my situations with him and yet he doesn't talk too much about our situation

    Word To a degree he's very predictable. He's a homebody. Doesn't like to go out. Would much rather hang with people at home although he does have goals and ambitions. I think a lot of the negative weight though, has taken out the fighting spirits he had once long ago.
But why did you let it progress to this point without realizing it was going nowhere?

That is what I was getting at.

From what you've told me in prior conversations, you are the type that prefers monogamous relationships and FWB is hardly monogamous. Without any commitment, either of you could be having sex with other people and that contradicts what you've told me.

As far as the psychologist analogy, I don't know of any Psychologists who simply listen without offering interpretation and analysis.

You might be thinking of a Psychiatrist......different breed altogether.

I'm really wondering if I should take you seriously at all considering what you've told me in the past.

I thought you were more traditional, or at least that's what you presented, but traditional women don't do FWB...

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


ImHere4Fun1979 37M
14 posts
9/6/2006 1:53 am

These things are always hard to give advice on, because you never really know whats going on in the situation. You can give advice based upon what you yourself have gone through, or maybe what others around you have, but in reality it is only up to the two people involved. You should really take a look at where you want to be with him, and where you will likely end up. I am sure you have had conversations with him about how you feel and where you want to be. Make the decision together. If you really like/love him, then maybe it is worth sticking out, but if you both honestly feel it isn't going anywhere, then maybe its best if you do back off for a bit. Neither one of you can really have a good relationship, if you are not both happy, and it sounds like you aren't.


ImHere4Fun1979 37M
14 posts
9/6/2006 2:11 am

Going over this again, and remembering some of the conversations you and I have had about him, especially the long one at your place, I think I have to totally agree with DIV. I think you are lost. I know you do have strong feelings for him, but I think you are honestly trying to make something work that isn't going to.

I was completely surprised you took him back after what he had done, but I also know that with the way you felt about him, it was completely possible for you to do that. I know I have felt like that about a few girls who in reality screwed me over, but I thought I had feelings for them, and took them back, just so they could do it again. Which is why I have the 3 strikes law now.

Honestly, I think you are better off without him. I know how you feel about him, but I don't think its really genuine. I think you just feel like you really like him because you have grown so attached to him, but I think you are finally coming around to see who he really is, and where he fits into your life, if at all.

Knowing who you really are, I can honestly say you deserve better, but also knowing who you are, you are stubborn and will try to make this work until it beats you into the ground.


DIVISION77 39M  
8321 posts
9/6/2006 11:59 am

    Quoting ImHere4Fun1979:
    Going over this again, and remembering some of the conversations you and I have had about him, especially the long one at your place, I think I have to totally agree with DIV. I think you are lost. I know you do have strong feelings for him, but I think you are honestly trying to make something work that isn't going to.

    I was completely surprised you took him back after what he had done, but I also know that with the way you felt about him, it was completely possible for you to do that. I know I have felt like that about a few girls who in reality screwed me over, but I thought I had feelings for them, and took them back, just so they could do it again. Which is why I have the 3 strikes law now.

    Honestly, I think you are better off without him. I know how you feel about him, but I don't think its really genuine. I think you just feel like you really like him because you have grown so attached to him, but I think you are finally coming around to see who he really is, and where he fits into your life, if at all.

    Knowing who you really are, I can honestly say you deserve better, but also knowing who you are, you are stubborn and will try to make this work until it beats you into the ground.
I tend to agree with your assessment as well.

She tends to hold on too long, past the point of no return.

In reality, it should have been cut off a long time ago or like I said before, he should have been kept strictly as a friend.

That means NO SEX.

Regarding your own relationship, I don't agree with the "3 Strikes" rule.

I think infractions within a relationships are so subjective that you can't just mark them off like that.

Depending on what she does, one strike could end the relationship depending on the severity of the offense.

For me, a breach of trust is something I won't tolerate.

It doesn't matter whether she lied or cheated, whatever...I have ended relationships on the spot for that.

Then again, I am more rational than emotional, it's not hard for me to be objective when it comes to women.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


flagg134 36M
1582 posts
9/6/2006 1:16 pm

I don't know what to say here except that I admire your ability to step back and remove yourself from the situation. Not many can do that most would rather stay complacently comfortable where they stand. Although it sounds like you at least have a very good friend here and maybe in the future if he loses some of the negative views he can be a good partner as well.

RF


ImHere4Fun1979 37M
14 posts
9/6/2006 8:39 pm

DIV... usually the 3 strikes rule only applies to certain actions. A breach of trust is not allowed to continue, I also call it quits. The 3 strikes thing more applies to people who are dishonest, free loafers, users, etc. I often meet people who I know are going to use me for something material, and I give them 3 tries to prove me wrong. I never let myself get into a situation I can handle or puts me over the top, and most times I go into a situation knowing people may end up using me, but because of the person I am, I know I am there to help them, even if they don't deserve it... if I loan money, its because I had it to give and don't need it. However, if that happens and the person becomes distant... strike number one.


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