All you do is Talk talk  

velvetgrrrl 39F
1118 posts
9/6/2006 10:08 am

Last Read:
9/8/2006 7:07 am

All you do is Talk talk


Currently Playing Ain't No Other- C. Aquilera

When have you crossed the line with someone you are meeting for the first time? Is there a subject that is taboo when you first meet someone?
Should you not discuss religion? politics? appearance? weight? age?

And how should you be when you meet them? Do you have a drink to calm the nerves? Smoke a bowl? Keep it sober?

Recently met some great people whom I've been corresponding with for close to a year. Timing and hectic schedules kept us from meeting. Finally we get a day where I'm free, cool to make the trip and they're home. meet the family. Bring the family. Its going to be a casual kick back environment.

It all starts out well. Everyone is groovy. Chatting. Kids are playing. Then a drink goes by and two then three next thing person is almost too relaxed and not able to function in a manner I deem appropriate in front of children. Even if it is a safe environment there are certain things and behaviours I just don't expose my children to.

Needless to say I made it known that I felt the behaviours were inappropriate and I think I offended this person as tehy withdrew. It was never my intent to make it a negative experience I just like my friends to know what I'm thinking so there's no room for confusion. Sadly this may not have been the best route of approach. Sometimes I wonder if being ooutspoken about things I feel strongly about is a bad thing. But I learned clamming up makes things ten times worse so I try to talk about it.

Well later the person calms down and tries to explain their life and their family life to me and what kind of people they are awesome. I appreciate being welcomed into the fold so easily. Apparently I'm a pretty cool person! Thats rockin! However they discuss a few expectations they had had of me and were apparently disappointed and that threw the great mood, easy vibe out the window. What a shame!

Finally they try to get me to explain why I'm not as cheerful as I was and I said I'd rather not discuss it due to how offended they were the last time I was honest. Finally since I was pojked and poked and poked I let loose. I was offended by expectations assumed of me. Walking in with expectations is a lousy way to start things off. Well this person got all upset and mooody cause apparently its something they're battling themselves. Needless to say the other half was awesome, no expectations, laid back, kept everything in moderation. Had a great time overall.

Don't you sometimes wish though that communication didn't always have to be a hurtful or painful thing?

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


buddhamike 106M
7006 posts
9/6/2006 10:55 am

You must consider the other side of the coin. If people only told you what was nice or good about you, how do you find what you need to improve and become even better. To improve you first need to discover where improvement is possible, and that comes in a form we think of as criticism, even when it's constructive criticism. Unfortunately the criticism isn't always constructive.


Choozmi 50M

9/6/2006 11:28 am

I don't agree with the gentleman above. I don't think criticism is appropriate among strangers (or friends, for that matter) unless it is specifically requested. I'll repeat that phrase: specifically requested.

However, I think you did absolutely the right thing in insisting that a drunk not act like an ass in front of your kids. No one should put up with crap from others in front of their own kids because doing so would set a bad example. How can a mother tell her daughter not to allow boys to, say, grab her butt inappropriately when the mother puts up with that from men?

I'm extrapolating what actually happened to you, of course. Am I way off base?

I just don't think people should get drunk in front of children, period. Period. There's too big a risk of saying something inappropriate or hurting a child physically or emotionally. And children won't understand the "sorry, I was just wasted" excuse (which isn't an excuse).


flagg134 36M
1582 posts
9/6/2006 2:03 pm

Well I don't think you did the wrong thing ultimately you can't worry about whether or not you are stepping upon peoples toes. If something makes you feel uncomfortable shouldn't they want to hear about it. I mean just standing there and letting it happen as you say makes it ten times worse as its only going to continue until you build a resentment. As far as crossing the line when first meeting people its not something I generally do although I have offended people at times because at first I can be very non-responsive. I would say a relaxed atmosphere would be best so expectations can be crossing the line.

RF


NickRules999 39M
9464 posts
9/6/2006 7:01 pm

I don't think I've ever had expectations when meeting someone. Had hopes, but never expectations. No one has ever expected anything of me, at least I don't think so, and I never expected anything of anyone else.

Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?


DIVISION77 39M
8328 posts
9/7/2006 7:52 am

Having talked with you over IM, I can already see that you're way too emotional for me to interact with in person.

You can barely have a conversation with me without getting offended in some way.

You also have a problem expressing yourself clearly and that makes for tough communication.

As far as meeting someone, why would you ever have them around your kids in the first place?

As I told you before, kids are a distraction when you are trying to get to know someone, which is the main reason I never date women with kids.

There is a proper decorum for being around children and I'm not willing to act a certain way just to appease a mother, when it's not naturally how I am.

I suspect many men feel the same way...

When you meet someone for the first time, it should be at a restaurant, not at your place with your kids in plain view.

Having kids will definitely limit your choices in men, as I told you before.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


lustthingsfirst2 49M

9/7/2006 5:36 pm

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.


velvetgrrrl 39F

9/7/2006 7:39 pm

Buddha - I agree I think honesty is the best way to be with someone. Communication about feelings shouldn't be viewed as criticism and if it is then perhaps it should be viewed as constructive like when you're back in school.

Chooz- well I initially let the person know how I was feeling cause I was uncomfortable with them. Walking into stores with no shirt, swearing at the top of lungs. Just seems tactless to me. But right if you're poked on what you're thinking it seems they get more upset if you keep it to yourself.

Flagg- Thanks. I appreciate that my opinions aren't completely out of whack. It's really sad cause this was a friendly encounter and I kept advising I would only be able to visit if I had my kids and they said it would be cool cause they had kids as well. This was actually someone who is not from any swinger or sex site. They were just some people who I"ve been chatting with a for a while who were looking for more mutual friends who had kids as well.
Argh!

Wordsmith- Aww you always know the right thing to say at the most bizarre of moments! But your words ring true!

Nick- I agree when one expects something from someone and they're disappointed it can be said in a tactful manner. I think the approach was just handled badly!

Div- Well I told my friends, and they are still friends, it was just a weird day. That there was no way I could meet them unless I brought my kids. They're the ones who said bring the kids their kids would be there too. So this particualr situation even if I had gones sans children would still have had kids present. It just wouldn't have been mine. But all the kids, all 5 of them had a great time.

Lusttingsfirst2- Ain't it the truth!

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


cuteNEway 41F

9/8/2006 7:04 am

there are just things you just don't do in the presence of children...some people don't get that.

For example: I have a horrible potty mouth, but I control it around my kids as much as possible. I'm especially mindful of this behaviour in front of other people's kids.


cuteNEway 41F

9/8/2006 7:06 am

Oh and Div??

"Having kids will definitely limit your choices in men, as I told you before"

Not dating because there are kids involved will seriouslt limit your choices in women. That my dear is a two way street.


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