wistful recollection of a beautiful start, will it continue?  

treebie 59F
0 posts
8/19/2005 10:45 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

wistful recollection of a beautiful start, will it continue?

I didn't want to meet you but you wore me down, remember?
The first time we met, I was sure it would be a quick dinner ( I had already eaten). You wouldn't know that though because I held that back.
Your wit, your smile, your humble but intelligent remarks kept me there longer than I planned. (I rearranged my plans to stay).
When you found out I liked cars, could tune one up if called upon, used to do that when I had a VW in college, ("you changed the points???")
your interest in me was electric.
We went for a fast ride in my WRX, I drove, you rode and you didn't grip the handles.
We stopped at a hole in the wall place and talked some more and I found myself thinking !WOW! this guy is fun!

Now, five months later and a vacation behind us, numerous "real life" events between us, I wonder if that magic still exists. You want some freedom to move around, see others and that need separates us like the Atlantic separates Europe and the US. We like each other, but there's that damned difference of opinion about exclusivity and sex with more than one partner. A small skirmish, detante, or an alliance ending war?

I can't tell. I cry when I think of all the past. Wow, the sex was impossibly good. And to think I almost passed this guy up. I'm soo glad you were persistent. Now I hate to give you up, but I know you need it. Need to be freer, to test your new freedom and stretch those wings after 30 years of confinement. My fear now is that if I let you go, I'll not see you again. Somehow my rational mind says, no way, we are too good together, but my emotional self is unwilling to release you.

I want to be fair to you, I want you to be happy. The most loving thing I can do is let you go...and I do love you, as much as you let me.
And I know you love me too, you said it first!
At each turn you've preceed me in your emotional reactions. I've been hesitant to say I love you. I was hesitant to even meet you. I got on this merry go round because you were convincing and now you want to end it? Damn, kicking and screaming (that's a metaphor, not literal) you've led me on this chase and each turn was more exciting than the last. At every turn you'd ask, can this last? Now you want to cut it short. Maybe we burned too bright. Now I cry over the ashes. I guess I need to make soap and wash myself off. I need a little lye to cauterize my wounds, ashes and lye to make soap and cleanse the hurt.

Every day I don't see you it's like being in a boat that slowly sails from shore. I can still see you there and I could jump and swim back, but if you're not jumping and meeting me halfway, there's no point.

I see you ambivalent about it all too. That makes it hard to move on. You know I could find someone else. I know more than you do about it all though. Just how hard a connection like we have is to find. You're a novice at this. You aren't sure even what you want; being less choosy, you'll find many who'll want to taste you. I only hope that when they taste you, my taste will remain with you and they'll find it not to their liking. My scent is in you now. It has to be. Nobody can have sex that much and not absorb a part of their partner.

I'm so familiar with your body. I can feel it now as I visualize you next to me, your hands, those wonderful expressive hands on my arms, my legs.

You remember the sex that night? Our first time?
You were so wonderfully attentive to me. Slow, expressive, tender. I so needed that. And as we continued, the sex became lovemaking. Each time was and still is different. I have never been loved like that. All the partners I have ever had combined could not match one night with you.

And yet, you and I are talking about risking that so that you can try your new found freedom.

Do you know how inexpressably sad that makes me?
Do you know how deeply I mourn that potential loss?
It's causing me to pull back inside myself. I can't let you love me any more if you want to go away. I don't want to feel that hurt. Even as I want you to have what you need, I can only cry when I let it happen. Kind of like watching your child go to school, get married. It's so sad because that reality and comfort you've known are now changing.

I wish for a different reality. I know that in holding on I'm risking a bigger loss. Oh I know it'll end soon. I'm just putting it off one day at a time. Can we be just friends? Yet another stretch you put me through. Can you have sex with others and still with me? You're such a naive boy (at 57!) did you never hear of genital warts, herpes, HIV? You never had a scare did you? You can't connect with that. You prefer to assume you're safe, assume that a condom will protect you against it all. Assume that you can control that contact. I know better. I was single in the 80's. I'm surprised I'm stil healthy with all the risks I took. I can't take that risk now, others need me.

You're a great guy, size does matter. Oh yes it does. All others pale in comparison. I can't believe it, I'm 48 and never knew. Thought I knew a lot, but you've taught me, spoiled me more like.
Your past concerns me a bit. Your affair during our marriage, I wonder if that contributes to my feelings now.

I don't want to marry you. Don't want to hold onto you. But I don't want to lose you either.

How can something so good be so difficult to navigate?

Ah well, life is so full of mystery. I can say I am richer for having known you. Thank you so much for that. Thank you for the love I did truly feel. Thank you for 5 months of the best sex of my life. Thank you for the kindness, gentleness, appreciation and love you gave me. I will treasure those gifts forever.

You are special to me and my life is richer for the connection. That will never change.
We'll find the right answer for us. I can trust that now. I'm glad I could say all this to you.
I still love you, even as we consider good bye.

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