Where the Hell are my Arms and Legs?  

travelingintexas 41M
8/24/2006 4:18 pm
Where the Hell are my Arms and Legs?

Many of you know I have been talking about doing it for a while. Well, the time was never right, things were changing, I wasn’t in a permanent location etc. There were tons of excuses. Tons of real reasons I couldn’t get started and then the regular I am just lazy reasons. However, I finally did it and gawd I hate everyone today.

I signed up with a personal trainer. Little guy with big muscles who was quiet when we first met. Very reserved. Had pictures all around him of guys and gals he had changed from overweight with medical issues to weight lifting champions of the world. The kind of women that have hooties on their back now and men that had nuts the size of peanuts. I mean heck, if he could make those people look like that then surely he could fix me right?


So I plucked down my money for 40 sessions (Don’t ask!) and away we went. Surely after our first meeting I would look like Mr. Olympia in the back of the comic books we used to read. Remember that guy?

So I was pumped yesterday. I’m doing traditional 1500 calories a day kinda thing, just eating healthy. New lifestyle here we come right?


I’m buzzed up and excited when I walk in the door. Ready to go kick butt and take names. The music is turned up loud on the way there and when I arrive, there is a guy walking out with a US Marines shirt on that says “pain is just weakness leaving the body!” I’m buying that. I am telling myself I believe that fully. That’s my mantra fool! I’m taking this shit to town. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Billy Bob the trainer (name changed to protect the innocent, yea right) walks up to me and says “Ya ready Trav?”

“Hell yea” I say and I am all ready to do this thing. Hot blonde chick is there and she snickers at me and walks off to get herself started. So Billy Bob then proceeds to walk me over to the shoulder press machine. Gawd I hate shoulder shit. I always have. He starts me on my reps and halfway through I am having a flashback to middle school. I guess if I have one area of my body that is weak it has always been my shoulders. My first bout of discovering I had weak shoulders was in Middle School. I always felt stupid. Halfway through my shoulders felt like they were on fire back then, and damnit if the same isn’t true for me when I am 31 years old. However I finish my set and off we go to the next set. And the next set. And the next set. Biceps, triceps, crunchs, dips, leg lifts, leg press, benchpress, where is my momma?

Oh geez, then we start over. I’m doing a 25 set of rows and Satan the Trainer (name changed to protect the innocent, yea right) is there cooing in my ear saying “take a bite of the apple. Go ahead. Eve (hot blonde chick) did and see how happy she is?” I am on number 21 and he actually sprouts a tail. I’m doing more crunches and his head flips around and he is now green with scales. Now when he talks to me he hisses when he speaks. I am doing leg presses again and I look over at hot blonde chick and her hooties are spinning around in circles and she has Medusa snakes in her hair. The lady that works at the front desk has sealed and closed the door to the gym using a large metal plate that covers the entire front of the building. Someone turned the thermostat to “fire” setting because suddenly flames are leaping from the floor and I am screaming and crying for my mamma. People that before were lazily walking on the treadmill now have chains on their bodies and are sweating blood.

I am kneeling before Lucifer himself as he tells me to do 2 more, just 2 more Trav and I want to die but I realize, what the hell, I am already dead. So I do two more. I actually grovel pathetically before him because he tells me “Good form Trav, excellent form” when I am doing some exercise. I want to please this guy so bad it hurts. Hell, I didn’t even know him before today. Why am I so happy that he is happy with my form? Why do I care? But every time he tells me good job I pant like a puppy and do what he says even though it means more gawdawful pain!

Pain is weakness leaving the body? Geez… I’ve taken shits that hurt less… is that pain leaving the body too? I paid for this? Billy Bob, Lucifer, Satan the Personal Trainer is standing over me claiming my soul as I try to remember what number comes after the number 3 and I realize I cant go on but somehow he coaxes 2 more out of me and then calls it a good day.

“So we are on for Friday and Saturday right?” Satan asks. And I find the ability to shake my head yes. Why did I say yes? I didn’t mean it. I really meant no. This man owns me already. I am weak. So hot blonde chick comes over, picks me up off the ground and carries me out to the car because I am incapable of moving. Oh geez….. I was only in hell for an hour but it feels like an eternity and I agreed to go back. Have I lost my mind?

So I leave there and brilliant me goes to the grocery store and buys milk and healthy stuff and Gatorade, tons of Gatorade, and water, bottles of water. Brilliant move Trav because now, when the muscles I just tortured relentlessly have cooled down, I have to carry all this shit inside. I can’t lift my arms above my waist but I have to carry in all the groceries. I am brilliant I tell ya. I get half of it in the house and my phone rings and I realize I have a decision. Either answer the phone or finish bringing in the groceries but I can’t do both. If I stop now, I will just leave everything out in the truck and to hell with what spoils. However I make the right choice and bring it all in.

I hate everyone today. I left my arms on the floor somewhere at the gym last night and I can’t remember what I did with my legs. This sucks. I thought a person felt better when they were healthy. I feel like I have been run over twice by a dump truck doing 60 on a gravel road.

kyplowboy22 61M

8/24/2006 5:30 pm

Well, just think about how gooooood you'll look and feel six months from now. Ahh, provided you live through it. Later


want2play926 45F

8/24/2006 5:53 pm

Give me one second here..... OMG that is so funny!

Ok, I am back...Trav, you took a great step and are doing the right thing. It will only hurt for a few days and you will be fine. Trust me, I know! You will find your legs and arms in the lost and found at the gym. Every place has one, just ask.

Can't wait to see the 'pump you up' version of you!!!!

rm_PhxPhatChick 58F
202 posts
8/24/2006 6:17 pm


Classic Trav!

Don't kill yourself babe!

barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
8/24/2006 7:23 pm

Bahahahahaha!!!! Oh and careful with the gatorade man lots of calories...

Its good to be...ME

hornylilgirl78 105F

8/24/2006 7:37 pm

LMAO - I can really sympathize! I've started my own weight training program and my shoulders have been sore all week...then to top it off, I have to lift 25 to 50 lbs consistantly at work.

I've decided the only GOOD exercise is sexercise...


"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"

willing2tryit42 40M
1141 posts
8/24/2006 7:43 pm

Wait til you think its a good idea to become a gerbil, and buy a treadmill/ clothes hanger!

rm_PurryKitty2 48M/49F
9753 posts
8/25/2006 4:05 am

First, I have been missing you, wondering where you are You never visit me either, sniff sniff.

Glad to see you are healthy, hang in there. NO PAIN NO GAIN!

Purry {=}


fantasylover_05 62M

8/25/2006 7:39 am

It does get eaiser my Friend!!

WTF am I saying..... when it gets easier THEY KICK IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH!! LOL

TonyPlays 64M

8/25/2006 2:59 pm


A long time ago I did a similar thing with an Olympics trainer. After a workout I ached for two days and then it was time for another workout. But I will admit I was in the best shape of my life after a few months.

Good luck.

TzarsAmuseChant 41M
2854 posts
8/25/2006 9:44 pm

suck it up, maggot. Save the drama for your mama and knock out some squat thrusts. If you learn to like those, you can do some "Jane Fonda's" some "alligators," "T-Bones" or my personal favorite: The Monkey Fucker

Good luck dude. I'm attempting something similar, but due to budget constraints, I'm flying solo.

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
8/26/2006 1:52 am

gud to read you again.... and a good step, I might have to go that way meself as well....

you WILL live through it, one way.... or another

barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
8/26/2006 12:30 pm

thank god 5er diddnt mention suicides

Its good to be...ME

TravelinsAuntPat 50F

8/28/2006 11:07 pm

muhaaaaaaaaaa you deserve every bit of pain you are in I would love to be a fly on the walllllllllllll muhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa no sympathy here dude feel the love if you can get past the pain muhaaaaaaaaa...

MsSoft40 51F
156 posts
9/2/2006 8:08 pm

You know this is the first time I have read your blogs and I truly needed some smiles and laughs. You did it for me Thank you and good luck with Satan

Don't let another person's opinion of you become your reality.

~Les Brown

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