Traveling Takes Off the Dot..... Stand Back!  

travelingintexas 41M
posts
8/30/2005 11:29 pm
Traveling Takes Off the Dot..... Stand Back!

Background Music:
Frank Sinatra, It Had to be You!


It has been a wild ride the last two months. I debated whether to write this post, to even acknowledge my addition to the top blogger's list because I did not want it to appear to be a vain gesture. It would be a lie to say I am not excited and it hasn't been fun. But my humility in thanking you for this small treasure is immense. Small steps!

However, I am humbled to know that maybe some of you I have been able to touch somehow. I don't know how or what it is you took away, but I truly hope it was of true value and worth and not empty. For all of you, thank you. Less than three weeks ago, it took two days for the new visitors to my blog to change over. Something happened, I don't know what but welcome nonetheless! My door is always open to each of you!

I have not written here for stranger's approval. I have written here to clear my mind, clear my heart, to get straight with my thoughts and try to move on. Tonight dear friends, the dot will come off, figuratively. I am about to share with you how I ended up on AdultFriendFinder and who I am.

I figure, rather than make you read old blogs I would give you the quick run down. I promise it will not be pretty. I have many faults. Not filled with humor, because the past month or so has been filled with pain beyond my understanding. This is who Travelingintexas is.

On June 26, I joined this site. I did the normal setup things, searched a little but felt my life had just fallen apart. My wife of 10 years had stated she felt we needed to separate. This is something in many ways I had sought, perhaps unconsciously for a long time. I was ashamed of me, who I was and what I had done. I married early and had numerous affairs. Not because I was wanting sex really, but because I was searching for HER, the IT, the THING, to make me complete. My soul mate if you will. I was comfortable in my marriage but something in me sought something more.

At the same time, I had been having an affair for 6 months with a woman I worked with. All of these years of marriage I had searched for HER it had seemed. I longed for the perfect one to make me whole. For the first time in my life, it felt as if I had found her. The desire to seek for HER had gone away and in my pretend world I thought she was the answer. For the first time I let my heart go. She promised me the world and I believed her. So I left my wife, and this woman came to work the next day and said she was staying with her husband and I meant nothing to her anymore. (The Letting it Go posts were emails from her.)

I was destroyed. I am pretty sure I went bat guano crazy. While I wrote on here, I fantasized and in many of my early blogs, you can feel the desperation of the craziness I felt. The loneliness I felt. There came a point where I was so lost I was suicidalI walked on this edge of self destruction for several weeks. I have never struggled with THAT before and numerous times I thought of checking in somewhere but I worried people would think I had gone crazy. (Always worried about others thoughts.)

I had given up my life, my job, my family, my home, my everything for this woman who calmly walked away without a backward glance. I was left destroyed and desolate. No one wanted to be around me so I turned even more to these blogs. I finally had a major personal salvation moment where I was able to start down the rode to healing. God, it hurt.

On July 26 I Saw Oh My God.... She is here... SHE WHO COMES TO STARBUCKS. LOL We sure had fun chasing her down didn't we. I bet she is a member and we scared her off LOL Boy I am terrified to talk to people at this place. You guys helped me break out of my shell and talk to people finally, which was a major part of me breaking free from focusing on me and my hurts. While it may seem trivial, on a personal level, reaching out to this person was huge I never saw her again

At this point I almost stopped writing on here. I found out "concerned" family members were reading what I was saying and passing it to my wife. In other words, my whole family monitored what I said or did through this site. I almost shut it down. Almost went away. But I didn't. I needed this place to talk myself through my feelings and emotions. They would never understand that while this was a "sex" site in name, it wasn't sexual in purpose.

Soon after, I discovered that the woman I had the 6 month love affair with had a history of doing this at her other jobs. Every bit of healing I had undergone was destroyed again. I had been a pawn. A willing accomplice and I had given up my life and everything in it for a lie.

So I trudged on. And on and on. While living in a house alone with no furniture except a bed, I made my home at this Starbucks. I watched the people, how they interacted. How they touched each other in so many different ways. It gave me hope. I was exploring my humor and my feelings and you were becoming my friends. Some nights I would go home, stand in a 4,000Sq foot empty home and think, I am going to die here. I want to die here. The echo of marble floors of single footsteps is so incredibly loud. The nights were so long and painful. The days even worse. So I slept during the day and did Starbucks at night. Pathetic? Yes. Painful? Yes. Lonely? Yes!!!!!!!!

I had no direction No peace. Until August 10th. It was a very physical thing. I knew I had purpose but still didn't want to get up. I felt like a fool and hated who I was. But I needed salvation and redemption. AND IT CAME!

After this, the tone of my writing changed. There was hope in what I was becoming. I was remembering I could be a powerful force to be reckoned with if I would get up after the fall. If I would dust myself off and not just lay there.

Suddenly, another powerful wave of depression washed over me, knocking me down again and again. It almost threatened to swallow me again and in return I wrote Would you Choose an Early Death?.

I turned 30 and ate Jack in the Box on my birthday LOL

This post detailed the ugliness I felt when you couldn't see. I had become fearful to even share the true me on here where no one knows me. As if your judgement of me could truly harm me in some way. It was a new and dear friend that told me to stand up again, brush myself off and move on. This again showed the power over hundred's of miles we each share together.

Who am I now? I am still learning. I still question myself, my past, my choices and my future. I know I am still a huge dreamer. I lie to myself and tell myself I am worthless sometimes, but I know I am not. That I had allowed the ellusive "SHE" to define who I allowed myself to be and become was terrifying.

So I move forward. Hopefully I make you laugh. Hopefully I make you sometimes think, turn your head and wonder "what the heck is he up to now?"

I am a big guy with a big heart and a huge laugh. I am the person you want on your side when all hell breaks loose. I mean, I am a Texan after all. I like to believe it's the kind of men we are.

I have a huge smile. One that encompasses the whole room. People still gravitate to me. My presence is still commanding and I still love $1000 suits and French cuffs. I Love new technology and live off XM Radio's comedy channel when I am in my truck.

I have dreams yet unfulfilled. I want to write a book and believe I am going to take that step. Will there be things I have to give up? Yes. Is the sacrifice worth it? Absolutely. I am on a journey to define Traveling and I plan to bring you along and share it as long as you will have me.

Over the last two months I have learned a crucial lesson it has taken me 30 years to understand. I am not defined by others. I do not need the blessing of family, a woman or outsiders to be comfortable with who I am. These are appreciated but not necessary. I am an incredible father. A worthy friend. I am a fantastic lover. I am an incredible screwup sometimes. When I blow it, boy do I blow it. But it is the way I live because the flip side of the coin is when I am rocking, I am really rocking! I am a vagabond. I am Traveling, and I offer much. Your friendships have increased in value over the last two months. Thank you for sharing with me the life of a stranger.

Remember... It is not the Destination... It is how you get there, the journey, the traveling that counts.

In closing and in thanks, I offer to you the last two paragraphs of the very first blog post I made on June 26.

"OK I promise to have a better direction next time. I am just currently rambling. Must be the effects of all that non alcoholic beer I chugged earlier at that AA meeting.

How honest to be to a bunch of strangers that could care less? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm"


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
8/31/2005 12:32 am

And you found out that the bunch of strangers did indeed care.

Hugs Sweetie, glad you stuck around.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


DefiniteTrouble 50F

8/31/2005 4:40 am

T...as I said before, putting it all into words can be the most therapeutic process. For me, there's no doubt, the past month on this site has saved me numerous $$$ in therapist fees. And saved my sanity.

Sure, my writings are often of the oh-so-naughty-down-right-pornographic nature, but perhaps these are reflections of something I lost and fear will never find again. Yes, it has been a tremendous asset with my healing process.

Truth be told, I think many on this site are looking for much more than sex. Friendship, companionship, a place to vent and heal, and non-biased views of themselves, their thoughts, their feelings, and their emotions.

The fact that you know you are a worthy person is a good first step. And the fact that you have shared your heart-wrenching agony with such brutal honesty with all of us just confirms your sincerity and worthiness.

I think you'll find your learning process is perhaps, a never-ending journey. I continue to learn something new about myself daily, and lately, my blogs have been the source of that learning.

And yes, you have made true friends here, no matter how impossibly hokey some may find that fact. Non-judging, caring, compassionate, and often brutally honest friends. I know I've made several and value their opinions moreso at times than those I'm associated with in my life outside Blogville.

And I'm proud to add you to that list, my dear friend.

Thanks for your honesty. Thanks for your side-splitting laughter. Thanks for being you...we wouldn't have it any other way.

(hugs) - DT


DefiniteTrouble 50F

8/31/2005 4:43 am

PS: We want you to take it all off...not just the dot. (starts bump-n-grind music)...lol


__Huntress__ 55M/58F

8/31/2005 4:49 am

You've learned what many take a lifetime to learn ... define yourself ... be who and what you are and want to be ... that is when the valley is filled ... !

I found your blog by accident ... clicked on a link in someone else's blog and there you were ... and I was hooked ... !

Take a silent hand that reaches across the miles and space ... and walk on ... you are magic !


xx_44DD_xx 51F

8/31/2005 5:40 am

I knew it! Only one eye under that big blue dot

Seriously though, I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog. Thank you for sharing so much with us in blogville. Stay strong.


Synn74 42F
1206 posts
8/31/2005 8:07 am

Trav..my friend that was one of the most heartfelt thingS I've read in a long time within the blogs here on AdultFriendFinder. I am truly blessed in having found you as a dear friend you brighten my day with your words. I hope someday we are able to share that coffee and sit for hours chatting as we do here now. You have carved out your own little spot in my heart My door and arms are always open.. my shoulder always ready. You are worth more than words could ever say my friend

Love Syn



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


Theflinkychick 105F

8/31/2005 8:35 am

The circumstances differ, but the emotions are the same and this journey is difficult, isn't it? I see the same ebb and flow of both darkness and light in your journey as I am encountering in mine. This is a great post, thanks for sharing your journey with me and the rest who read here.

Not all who wander are lost.


rm_CookieLips2 61M

8/31/2005 9:23 am

Hey Traveling.......I can not say that I honestly know how you feel, nobody can say that because they haven't walked in your shoes. What you said here speaks volumes. I could have written this myself because it reminds me of another time in my life over 12 years ago. But, to this day I am still standing and all that were affected by me are standing too. WE all make mistakes in our lives and all of us learn to live with them. If we learn from our mistakes and errors in judgement can they ever be called mistakes again? You hang in there Dude, your day will come again and things will be better! I know....


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
52F

8/31/2005 10:55 am

"I was searching for HER, the IT, the THING, to make me complete"

the only one who can fill you up, is YOU....

we all have our own journey...

TTFN


Barbiebunny69 43F

8/31/2005 12:02 pm

**stands with legs apart, Big black stiletto boots on, hands on hips, chest out..superhero cape waving in the breeze**

Getting Solid tonto.. keep it up..now grab my bag..we have much to do!

xo Much bunny love


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
8/31/2005 1:58 pm

Traveling...bud...write shorter blogs. I had to take a nap to get through this sucker. I'm really pleased you stuck around. You're an unusually insightful young man. A gentleman. This combination wins in the long run every time. You are a rising star. Congrats and hopefully you'll hang with us for some time to come.

[blog talldarkavg1]


__Huntress__ 55M/58F

8/31/2005 4:09 pm

What the hell do you fire your pen up with ... "NITRO" ... ?????


rm_texassally 58F

8/31/2005 4:51 pm

No words here... just hugs...

Smooches


frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
8/31/2005 4:57 pm

I have enjoyed your writting from the start... I am glad you stayed, and are finding your own path. Just stay true to yourself. Remember not to cahnge for anyone, otherwise you will not be that smae person they say they fell in love with, and do not ecpect them to change for you. Just enjoy your life. It is what you make of it. Most of us on here are still enduring our trials and tribulations, some are easier then others. And from the sound of yours, you are on a similiar roller coaster to mine. I do wish you the very best.
And I thank you from my heart and soul for the laughter, most of it has been at at time when I myself have needed it. T

T




five_speed 41M

8/31/2005 5:34 pm

hey man, sorry I've been away this week. I'm skirting the edge of getting fired from my current job, and I've been busy with making ammends with the current boss while lining up the next thing in case I do get fired.

Great post. Keep it up. I figure I'll tell my own story one of these days, and I think you'll see a number of similarities.

The bad news is that life never gets tired of knocking you down. It's a joke that the Fates always think is funny. Your life is like one long Ben Stiller movie to them. The good news is, you know you have the strength to get back up again and again. Rock bottom is pretty cold. If you lay there too long, you'll get piles.

Maybe I'll write out my tale if I hit the top male blogs list one of these days, or maybe at the sixth month mark, which ever happens first. I tell some personal stuff on here, but I don't think I'm ready to tie it all together yet and announce "THIS IS WHO I AM!"


dano6332 56M

8/31/2005 6:51 pm

I read this blog and was stunned. I was married 21 years (got married at 20) and thought it was normal for my wife to stop wanting sex altogether. Then after 2 years without (I know I can be stupid) I met "HER" at of all places a Boy Scout leader training session. It was so incredibly hot we could not talk or see each other enough. I finally went to the spouse and tried to explain it was over and time for us to move on and the sh** hit the fan. So the love of my life, whom I had waited my life to meet, ran away. Went back to her ex and ripped my heart out. Now 3 years later I am tied up in a nasty divorce, the kids are really pissed at dear old dad and life goes on. Just wanted to write and say nice recovery and great writing. Thanks for sharing and know your not the only one who has been dumped on by "her"


LustGoddess2469 50F  
2453 posts
8/31/2005 7:05 pm

What can I say that hasn't been said already? I, too, am so glad that you stayed with us. We all care alot about you and want you to succeed in all that you do.

Dork. LMAO How's that straw, anyway? lol

Lusty ((((HUGS))))


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
8/31/2005 8:22 pm

Hey handsome,

Your blog today really took me down an emotional journey, much of which I myself have experienced. The search for the perfect IT to make me complete. I was 31 when I thought I had found it, by the time I realized it was not HIM who made me complete we were divorced a month after I turned 32. There I was again, single after a short marriage, and now with a newborn baby, who was 1 week old when our divorce was final. I already had two children by the time I met IT.

It took me over five years to realize that what made me complete was what I already had. My children, my father, and me. Finding ME was a most excellent journey. Loving ME was a most rocky journey. Forgiving ME was damned near impossible. Being happy with ME believe it or not, after discovering the rest of ME was a smooth transition.

I have never cheated, but I have been and still am "the other woman". But I decided long ago to stop feeling guilty for choices I make. I can't say I have ever been depressed to the depths of suicide, because of my children. I could never leave them that way.

You said, "I am not defined by others. I do not need the blessing of family, a woman or outsiders to be comfortable with who I am. These are appreciated but not necessary. I am an incredible father. A worthy friend. I am a fantastic lover. I am an incredible screwup sometimes. When I blow it, boy do I blow it."

Everything in here I can relate to. EVERYTHING.

I am so happy you have discovered what it takes some a lifetime to realize. It is my pleasure to have met you, even if only online.

DustStormDiva


Synn74 42F
1206 posts
8/31/2005 9:46 pm

Trav where are ya..I miss our chats



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


KhaosKitty 42F
123 posts
9/1/2005 1:15 am

<HUG> I'm sure that you have had many of those - both virtual and real - in the past two months, but from experience I know that you need as many as you can get.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am honored that you felt comfortable enough with everyone here - myself included - to share so much of yourself with us. I know that you write to an anonymous, faceless crowd, much as I do, but that still takes cajones of steel. You, sir, are an inspiration.


frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
9/1/2005 2:55 pm

AWWWWWWWWWW, now you will make me cry T

T




EroGenOusKitty 41F

9/1/2005 9:29 pm

Greetings Trav
I have been wanting to write a post for you, but have not been able to due to my busy world...

Heart presence is about having more of your real self show up in each moment. It's about being mentally, emotionally, and physically present in the heart. We often put so much energy and focus on how we "present" ourselves - the way we appear, what we wear,what we say, what car/truck we drive (yes I read your 100 post *winK*). If one puts a fraction of that energy into how we present ourselves to ourselves on the mental and emotional levels, we can greatly reduce anxiety and increase our vitality. Recognizing your energy assets and deficits, paying close attention to your inner dialogue and using the heart's guidance to increase your asset-to-deficit ratio is one of the fastest ways we know of to accumulate the energy needed to make quantum leaps in becoming the person you want to be (or the person you were content with before). Many people cave in to emotional drains, misery, and mental poisons offering the popular excuse that "they just can't help it" or *blame*. It's time now that one learns both how and why to "help it" – or at least become open to the fact that *you can*. I know Trav, it is easier said than done but look at the innate desire within you...embrace that flame, cherish it and remove your mask. 4 simple rules I live by (thought I would share them with you)...
1. I speak with integrity (my words are never said with emptyness)
2. I never assume
3. I be the best I am able to be (given the situation or relationship)
4. I reframe from judgement for the other person may not remember the words used but, they will always remember how I made them feel.
~Keeping these 4 simple rules helped me shed off the mask and turmoil I had within. Self-Awareness and growth is difficult and those were the baby steps I began with (and I also share with my clients)... Hummm can you guess what I do for a living *wink* lol
*It is all about cause and affect*
Dreaming in Color and Living in Texture...Ero


rm_Network_Minx 47F
542 posts
9/2/2005 2:30 am

Who among us haven't made huge mistakes? Who among us have felt what you have felt? I have been where you are and where you were, more than once. I have learned that I control how I feel and react to situations. It was a hard lesson, and sometimes I need a refresher course but I am here, learning and living. That's what life is, learning and living.


SexySquirterGirl 50F
102 posts
9/5/2005 6:34 am

Hi.. Those arms and that sexy blue dot pulled me into your blog, and I must say this post went straight to my heart... I definately have alot of reading to do, I want to read everything about you.. You are amazing, sharing your soul with anyone is hard, but you chose to do it here. I, too, have had to take some rather painful journeys (see my post~Beware of the Risks) and I was asked to share a piece of that journey here, in my blog, and I did. Guess what? It was such an emotional piece to write, I was actually exhusted by the time I finished, yet I finally felt some sense of closure. The comments that others left, warmed my heart in ways I will never forget.

I have been knocked down hard, on my ass, picked myself up and once again been knocked down, but even harder.. But I finally realized, it's the things you have gone thru, learned from, and recovered from that make a person who they are. And I like the person I see when I look in the mirror and I can honestly said I finally love myself. I also realized the only person who can make you happy is yourself. This is your life, you have a brand new start, and I am sooo happy for you. You definately touched my heart today. Thank you for that. BIG HUGS, SSG


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