This Morning...  

travelingintexas 41M
posts
10/21/2005 2:59 am
This Morning...


I awoke with a start this morning. I came straight out of bed and was on my feet before I knew what had happened. Odd I thought, I never wake up and immediately that wide awake. Oh well. I walked out of the bedroom and into the game room where the familiar sounds of a TV could be heard. Looking across the room three little heads all faced the TV. Not a sound were they making and as I walked by and muttered a “Good morning” to them not a sound did they return. They were well and truly into the show on Disney Channel then.

I sat down at the computer to log in and see what mischief everyone had been up to throughout the night while I slept. I logged on and read a few posts for 15 or 20 minutes but didn’t feel the desire to respond as I normally do. It just didn’t seem to matter so much. I got up from the computer and walked back across the room looking at my children as I did so and thinking to myself that it didn’t appear they had slept well last night.

I walked down the stairs and passed my ex as she was coming up them. She appeared to be crying but said not a word as she hurried up the stairs. I continued down and did my morning walk through of the house. The phone was ringing off the hook and I had no desire to answer it so I walked into the kitchen out of habit. Just as I arrived in the kitchen the door bell rang. I turned to head to the door and as I did so, the door opened and in walked my parents.

I said “Good Morning” again and turned back to the kitchen as I didn’t get a response from them either. From the kitchen I heard the tramping of feet heading up the stairs and thought ah, just a normal day in crazyville. To complete my morning rituals I walked outside onto the back porch to smoke a cigarette. I walked out onto the porch and the sun was incredibly bright coming over the hills. I just stood there and watched for a little while, soaking it all in.

Not a mile away from my house is a fire station. I heard the windup of a siren and it broke my thoughts as it left the fire station. I sat down in a chair and closed my eyes, enjoying the brightness of the mid morning sun. As I listened it seemed the siren got closer and closer and turned onto my street. Curious, but there is an older couple next door and the woman is very sick so I assumed it was for her. I sat there a few more minutes enjoying the relative peace and quiet.

After a while I got up from my chair and headed inside only to see my parents coming down the stairs with my fathers arms wrapped around my mother and her crying hysterically. Following them was my ex, shepherding the children down the stairs. My ex and the kids each crying uncontrollably? What in the world? The scene was so surreal I was shocked into silence. I watched as a third party made their way down the stairs. First one man appeared and behind him a stretcher. As I watched two others appeared as they lowered the stretcher down the stairs. Whoever was laid on the stretcher was covered by a sheet.

As they lowered the stretcher to the floor and prepared to take it outside, I watched as my daughter raced to the side of the stretcher and reaching out, pulled the white sheet back to reveal… My face.

As my world shifted on its axis, I yelled “what is this” in terror. No one responded. No one even looked. They were each wrapped up in the others arms with the sole exception being my daughter, who had her head lying on my chest, willing me to come back. I rushed to her as everyone stood around and fell to my knees at her feet. Had I been real I would have knocked her down. As it was, I simply was.

“I am here. I am here” I cried in despair. Over and over again I sang out the refrain. “I did not leave! I am here.” No response from her was evident. She continued to sob uncontrolled into my bodies chest. I turned to my boys, scooted across the floor and on my knees before them pleaded in tones of anguish, “Daddy’s here. See look. I haven’t gone anywhere. See me! See me!” They stood, not inches before my face, tears running down there cheeks and not understanding the inevitable as I didn’t understand the inevitable and noticed me not. “We were gonna play! We were gonna read that book! We were gonna go camping remember? The World Series game? We were gonna make it somehow! Remember? Not now! Damn it, not now! I am here! Daddy is here!” Nothing. They could not see or hear me. To them I was no more.

To my parents now. “Mom, Dad, look at me! See me! I am here. Touch me. Mom? Dad? Look, it is ok. I am here now. Look!” Reaching out was impossible. I knew this but had to try. Nothing happened. No touch. No way to comfort. The terror built in me. I had plans. I had dreams. I was going to get around to it. I promised! I promised! I promised!

I watched as they began to move the stretcher out of the room and to the back of the ambulance. Sensing a separation that I could not overcome and saying over and over again “But I promised I would! I promised I would”

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CCcouple25m27f 36M/36F  
154 posts
10/21/2005 4:54 am

wow, such a serious thing.

Blessed be hon, make the moments count.

Nina


Efilnikufecin69 47M

10/21/2005 5:10 am

Wow, talk about a reality check!


lushgirl69 49F

10/21/2005 5:12 am

Goosebumps and very moved, dear....

Be still and know that you are loved....You are still with us and viable and incredibly real or you would not have the daily impact on me that you do....


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

10/21/2005 6:34 am

tit, you scared me...

TTFN


StreaktheFreak 38F

10/21/2005 6:48 am

i see this almost as a positive though...maybe it means more that you are afraid that people wont know you, or see you once the "old" you has died away...i think it is a dream or thoughts about fear of progress and change...

something like this is horrible to have in your mind, but consider it a growing pain of sorts.


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

10/21/2005 7:05 am

Wow. This was the post I read first thing this morning and it scared the hell out of me. Reading stuff like this makes me realize (like a slap in the face) that our time here on earth is too short to take it for granted. I'm sorry that you had such a nightmare. That's the only word to describe what you wrote. An utter nightmare. Thank goodness it wasn't true and (hopefully) you have TONS of time to keep your promises. The ones made to your kids, family, AND yourself.

Many, MANY hugs and kisses to you along with holding you tight to let you know that everything is okay and that nightmare is over. Now go back to sleep and dream peaceful, happy dreams.

Jess


blushingtigger 46F

10/21/2005 8:31 am

Wow, Trav. I am shaken. Though I have had those types of dreams before, it always hits me with the realization that nothing is forever. I think you should take this to mean that life IS short and you do not want to waste your time. It is oh so precious.
I will keep you in my thoughts as I do daily. Life is good baby, take a chance on it!


blushingtigger 46F

10/21/2005 9:04 am

By the way, do you EVER sleep?


five_speed 41M

10/21/2005 9:11 am

hey man, you are not dead to your family or to your parents. They can still see you and hear you, but everyone around you is caught in the same storm, and it is hard to see for the rain and hard to hear for the thunder. The best you can do is to be solid. Do not let the storm wash you away. Laugh at the rain, endure the wind, deny the lightning. Refuse to fall. The storm will pass, and nothing will be left untouched or unchanged in its wake, but change is not good or evil. It is simply change. Good and evil only become considerations in regards to our reactions to the change. So be a good man, a strong man, and those close to you will hear you and see you for years to come.


angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
10/21/2005 9:30 am

You sent chills up my spine with this story. A real lesson here to live each day to the fullest.....and not as a phony, but as the REAL person you are inside. Thanks for baring your heart.


dano6332 56M

10/21/2005 9:30 am

Wow pretty powerful wake up call.
It was a dream trav and as with all dreams use it as you will. Start doing the "promises" with the kids and try (I know it is next to impossible and I have failed at this miserably) to make some peace with the ex.

The good news is it was a dream and your still here to make things right.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
10/21/2005 9:31 am

Not sure what to say Trav...I remember having this same dream...and remember talking to other men that had also had this dream... Reach inside my friend, reach deep... find that strength to do what is going to make you happy in the long run... That answer may surprise you.


__Huntress__ 55M/57F

10/21/2005 9:40 am

Damn ...


rm_deaminveni 50M
116 posts
10/21/2005 10:09 am

Powerful stuff. Cherish the moments when you can hold your kids, and hope with all your heart that they outlive you. Remember a man does not die so long as his name is spoken. You're gonna live forever.


_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

10/21/2005 1:04 pm

*knuffels*


TopFisher 63M

10/21/2005 1:16 pm

Not the kind of thoughts we desire to wake with.

Keep yer pecker up Morassy, The sun will shine again!!


bulging_boy 49M

10/21/2005 2:12 pm

Hey buddy,

Those promises we make will come back to haunt us. Speaking for myself first, if you need to spend a bit of time making those a reality - then do it.

It's amazing how those little 'when I get a moment' things mount up, and although not at the front of our mind... sap away our energies.

I'm sure your kids would love some of that energy, rather than having it squandered on useless worry.

Now. You take the one on the left and I'll take the one on the right. Fighting demons is much easier when there's more than just yourself doing it.

Ready? Lets Go!


spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
10/21/2005 3:23 pm

Jeez, Trav. You even had me and my imaginary friends consoling one another. Great writing, and something to take to heart as well.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


dranba 39F

10/21/2005 5:57 pm

Wow. Incredible stuff there. Inspiring too.


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
10/21/2005 6:19 pm

Hi Trav...I read your post first thing this morning...and wanted to comment then....but just simply didn't have time...damn those early meetings. Plus I wanted to try and find the right words of encouragement.... so with that said...please know that my only intention...is just sending love and hope your way.

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks?

The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it.

The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

Moral of the Story:
When the storms of life come upon us - and all of us will experience them - we can rise above them by setting our minds and our belief toward God see note at bottomThe storms do not have to overcome us. We can allow God's power to lift us above them. God enables us to ride the winds of the storm that bring sickness, tragedy, failure and disappointment in our lives. We can soar above the storm.

Remember, it is not the burdens of life that weigh us down, it is how we handle them.

"Enjoy what there is to enjoy, suffer what there is to suffer, regard both joy and suffering as part of life and continue on never allowing the winds of joy and suffering to overcome or sway us."

"Poison can change to medicine"

"Morning always follows night"

"A sword in the hand of a coward is useless...never abandon hope/faith"

*** if this is more suitable...please replace with: whatever higher power you believe in.

I used the color "indigo"....there is an awesome meaning behind the Indigo plant:
A Chinese old book in about third century before Christ says "Blue from indigo plant is deeper than its origin." Strengthen your faith in yourself more than ever. Ice is made of water, but it is colder than water. Blue dye is produced from indigo, but if something is dyed in it repeatedly, it becomes bluer than the indigo plant itself.

~~~Dearest Trav...become the "dye of the indigo plant"...

{=} p.s. If you need more boobage...lemme know...I got's plenty to share.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


bella_ 47F
4030 posts
10/21/2005 6:58 pm

Ok, this was creepy...i thought is was reality until close to the end. Wow, you have some vivid dreams! Send me over some of your vibe..i am dying to have a dream!


watchmesquirm 45F  
99 posts
10/21/2005 8:14 pm

Haunting... I had to fight the urge to skip to the end to see what the hell was going on!


rm_texassally 58F

10/21/2005 9:23 pm

trav... shit man... your making me sad... Five Speed gave you your answer... how profound of her... thank God you have this place to externalize...


Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
10/21/2005 10:31 pm

That's not too shabby man, for sure....do you scribble regularly?

Seriously are you a writer?

That's not bad at all...and I rarely rattle off a complement like that without a bit or barb of sarcasm.

Deep description...great stuff!

Wordy

Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!


SickHooteredLady 42F
62 posts
10/21/2005 11:48 pm

Sir Trav, take this dream for what it was meant to be. You seem to be trying to shed your old body and old ways to emerge like the phoenix who rises out of the ashes. Remember to always spend time with your children. They need their daddy. Tell your Mom and Dad you love them. Someday youwill not be able to do that and will regret it if you don't say those words now. Rise up, my man, and soar as slide said.

This is for you:

And He will raise you up on eagles' wings,
bear you on the breath of dawn,
make you to shine like the sun,
and hold you in the palm of His hand.

On Eagles' Wings, Written by Michael Joncas


havenbliss 43F

10/22/2005 1:55 am

Wow a pretty intense dream but I know where you are coming from. My heart goes out to you...


DefiniteTrouble 50F

10/22/2005 6:41 am

**sobs** Stop it!


mygmyg 59M

10/22/2005 7:29 am

TIT, your post certainly gave me pause....

Then I thought that you should rent the "I see dead Peeps"video, so that someone around your house will be looking for you before you "Walk Into The Light"!!!!

It is terrible how a mind works, Already packing and mapping out(which means i am already lost) the trip into the "beyond". See you on 35 headed north!!


bulging_boy 49M

10/22/2005 5:48 pm

    Quoting rm_texassally:
    trav... shit man... your making me sad... Five Speed gave you your answer... how profound of her... thank God you have this place to externalize...
LMAO

TexasSally called 5 speed a girl!

If that don't cheer you up... nothing will!!

LOL


five_speed 41M

10/23/2005 12:36 pm

GAAAHHH!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! not the gender confusion again! this problem has plagued me my ENTIRE LIFE! I thought i was free of it here! I even have a PICTURE! I knew I shoulda gone with the dick pic.... damn it all to hell...


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
10/23/2005 6:31 pm

Trav,
Do what U want..move forward.. be the best person u can be on your own terms. Without a complete you, u cant give anything.

Its good to be...ME


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
10/23/2005 10:23 pm

    Quoting five_speed:
    GAAAHHH!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! not the gender confusion again! this problem has plagued me my ENTIRE LIFE! I thought i was free of it here! I even have a PICTURE! I knew I shoulda gone with the dick pic.... damn it all to hell...
It's the way you're laying with your arms crossed. Everyone thinks you are hiding your boobs.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/24/2005 3:56 pm

Reality check that we should not take our lives for granted. That that time with your kids. Pull yourself away from the computer and do what it is you promised your kids you would do with them. Forget being too busy for them. Take time for them. Life is too short to spend it on things that matter less to us than our families.

I can say this, because I have to make time for my kids, and I struggle to do so.

Love your blog, and your writings Trav.

DustStormDiva


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