Ramblings....  

travelingintexas 41M
posts
10/20/2005 10:11 pm
Ramblings....


I'm the type who's rarely the first to make a move, but once things are moving, I'm really something else.

Guys, how many times have you seen this quote start off a woman’s profile on this site? Now ya’ll know me and what I think about KD’s, but let’s be honest. Why, ladies are we held to a higher standard when your profile starts off with something copied and pasted? It just ain’t right. I look at a lot of profiles, men and women, to see who is coming to my blog, when I get strange email and when I log on to see the front page. I like keeping tabs on who is out there and what they like. Sorry I am a people watcher. This just irked me tonight.

As you can tell I am still bored. Bored of hitting the refresh button, bored of waiting for the system, bored of complainers (which I are one now), bored of the same ol’ arguments, bored of days filled with blogging and little else. If I am honest with myself, I am jealous of 5er and DTOX not for any other reason than they are both living. Living their lives. As one and as a couple. I read Jezzys post to KJ and I am jealous. (Now before ya’ll go berating me in comment form or on IM hear what I am saying. Especially you my sweet sister and you, Jezzy my incredible friend.) Part of me wants to fade into the woodwork and not look back and wonders if this would help me get my head out of my ass. I am loathe to do this though because I have used this place as my sounding board.

I have also discovered though that I now read slights were perhaps slights aren’t intended. Feel the need to trample when I or others I care about feel slighted. I feel concern about this on one side because I had hoped to be a man of compassion. On the other side, I feel the old me coming back. The one that you may not really know. The aggressive Traveling, the one who takes no names. I know I can appear cocky, arrogant, brazen and egotistical. Many don’t like the in your face attitude I can get. That comes from the emotionally charged side of me that leaps before looking. I try and rein it in but don’t want to completely because it is a part of me. Perhaps it is my background. I’d rather take a shot first and let it be heard. Good or bad, it is who I am.

I have often said I am not in a personality competition here. I am not ignorant. I know there are those that believe me and there are those that don’t. Most everyone’s mind is made up and I won’t try and change it. Don’t care to actually. Weak ego? Nah. Not hardly. I have enough ego for 5 men. Wounded heart? Yea probably and everyone knows not to mess with the wounded animal. I also know that there will come a day when someone else will jump to the top. When the next “thing” comes along. I am cool with that. It is the way the world works. About three weeks ago I told a close friend on here I didn’t seem myself blogging for much longer. Primarily because I had hoped to be so busy that I couldn’t. My timetable was screwed up. But I would still give it up in a heartbeat to take the world on again.

This is a resting time. But I am restless. This is a learning time but for me, its time to turn it in to real world experience. I sat here today trying to think of something to say. I kept promising myself I wouldn’t post until I had something worthwhile to say to you. I was asked the other day where my ideas come from. Sometimes they come in a blaze of insight and sometimes they come like a whisper on the wind. Like now, I just decided to sit on the back porch and go back to my roots and just write my thoughts. Forget Evil Drill Sgt. Dickhead (who had his picture turned down), forget Evil Dr. Traveling, forget Evil Judge Judy (hehehehehe) and just write and hope.

See, in the midst of my bitching and moaning, if I will sit still long enough, I will find a peace. I will know I am ok. I will tell the self talk to shut up long enough to see myself in the mirror of my eyes and know who I am. I will walk in that light and not what has come before. Every time I write something like this, someone mentions self forgiveness. I never have seen the need for that before. Until I saw it mentioned last time. I realized immediately I have never taken the time to tell myself move on. Walk on. Go on. Quit looking over your shoulder and searching for a survivor to apologize to. Quit walking the life of a defeated man in others and your own eyes. Quit wading in the misery of self and just go.

Is it easy to give up? Hell no its not. I come from so much pain in where I have been that the inner self just wants to wallow in it. Revel in it. Delight in it. So much of my life has been a personal defeatist mentality and lifestyle. Awaiting the next screw up, wondering when I will fall down again that I am scared to go out into the world and try. But I look around today and see myself in this miserable purgatory of nothingness and it disgusts me. I deplore it. So my first act is the washing of the blood from my hands. The admission that while that was then, this is now. I can either walk in death or I can walk in life. There is no in between. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

So I categorically must shed any of the old self that dwells or sets himself up for failure. I must walk in the light of one that is alive and not in the grave clothes of the damned.

bulging_boy 49M

10/21/2005 12:12 am

Hoist that banner high Trav and march head on. Whatever comes of it, this place exists as a retreat.

You are your own person first and foremost. There is a temptation to be who the blogees love... but that can't be sustained forever. Well... unless you're TDA, but he has that psycho chick who keeps banging on at him. Why doesn't she just fuck off?

Anyway. For what it's worth. You seem like a top bloke. Regardless of whether you forgive yourself or not. That's my perspective, cause I don't need to forgive you of anything. I see you and like you as you are.

You on the other hand see more than we do, and you carry the hurt. Your own and the hurt of others. I know what that's like and it sucks. At some point, you need to lay it down and say, I aint gonna carry this no more. Put it down and say seeya later.

Growth exists where we least expect it, but we get there eventually. You'll do fine buddy. You'll do just fine.

Oh and about those profiles? I *hate* them as well. Of course I reckon it's cause we put a bit of effort with ours.


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
10/21/2005 12:33 am

**sits naked on the floor drinking a hot toddie**
Now that ure done, can u hurry up and come to bed?

(huggs baby)
Cruella

Its good to be...ME


tillerbabe 55F

10/21/2005 1:20 am

I sooo, soooooo..very much LOVE you!
That 's all I got..... I hope its enough. ( Oh, and if you go away.. I will hunt you down and tie you up and put my boobage in your face and make you scream like the..... Man.....you are!) {=}

Baby you have everything you need to rule the WORLD!

do you have my panties?

{=}


tillerbabe 55F

10/21/2005 1:21 am

BUNZ! Help me on this....me thinks I NEED more BOOBAGE!


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
10/21/2005 2:01 am

walk on Trav

one new breath of life with each step

"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

~William Ernest Henley~



S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

10/21/2005 6:50 am

It's Friday...
I still feel like sh*t...
and nothing has gotten better in the world overnight...

Yes Jez and KJ and 5'er and DT are all very lucky...your time too will come...

You need to LOVE YOU FIRST!

Trav, we don't get to pick the cards Fate deals us...only try to work with them...

I share your discontent...and sleeplessness...

Try to tread the waters...and know that we care about you...

*leaves the light on at the Palace if you need me*

*flashes my boobage to help Tiller*

TTFN


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

10/21/2005 6:59 am

*Pulls Trav into my not-so-large boobage* - sorry - that's all I got!

Jess


duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
10/21/2005 7:03 am

That very quote is in most of the males profiles I read.

As for the rest of your blog. It's very insightful but I am not going to give you advice you probably don't want. As you said, blogging is a sounding board and I can totally relate to that. We all are animals who want to help each other, but we also know who we can rely on. Those we know we are safe with. NOthing can take that away, except those we trust.

Blog on, I enjoy your blogs! Good luck to you in whatever it is you are looking for.

DustStormDiva


HORNYVIKING722 44M
1023 posts
10/21/2005 7:26 am

I was just trying to convince someone else of the same thing that we're not just always going for the cheap laugh. For me, it's an escape hatch from the norm (That I veiw to be crazy). The stressful, hectic day to day that only proves we're passing away at an hourly rate.
You don't want this to be a character contest, but you are a man of great character. You help those who are in need, your charisma is commendable. I don't know what to say about the employment problems; the Gods know I've made a series of poor choices that make stripokher's words about me seem valid. I do believe in Karma and that the Good should prosper, but the realist in me is also unsettled. I can only say for those of us with such issues "One of these days, you too, shall be avenged" -Cyrano D. Bergerac
Keep your chin up Mr. Man, you've got a fanbase that would have a hole in their lives if they lost you. "Obi-wan Kenobi, you're our only hope!" -P. Leia
About the professional help thing, I had the same problem and my doctor said Mylanta ^_^


five_speed 41M

10/21/2005 8:57 am

Traveling, As is often the case, I see much of myself reflected in your words, especially the part about looking for the next screw up, and the inability to forgive one's self. I wish you the best with your endeavors, and you know I'll always be here to lend a hand or an ear if you need it. I hope you accomplish it and find some peace, my friend. If you do, you will most certainly be a stronger and wiser man than I.


dano6332 56M

10/21/2005 9:40 am

Trav, I am not hearing the "fat lady sing" so that means your journey and your struggles and triumphs are not at an end. Hell bro it is all just part of life and we all make mistakes, dust ourselves off, and get back up. All I know is that if Trav does what is right for Trav your friends will be happy and none of the rest counts. Sure jobs come and go, my baby could walk out tomorrow and my kids dont even want to talk to me but today is another day. I will find a job and I will go on to make myself happy.........eventually

Oh feel free to sneal a peek at my hairy man boobage if it makes you feel better.


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
10/21/2005 12:26 pm

*someone say boobage??* to the rescue!

Its good to be...ME


madkitten 53F
291 posts
10/21/2005 3:21 pm

Sending you a Hug.


spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
10/21/2005 3:36 pm

Honestly Trav. It's okay.
I really am a sick fuck, but I believe in real people.
I believe in you.

There's an Evil Judge Judy? Whyfor you no stop by my blog?

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


dawndirtymind 42F
370 posts
10/21/2005 11:07 pm

I see a lot of myself when I was going through a very hard time (and still go through on occassion) in what you share with all of us through powerful posts such as this one. Here's what I've learned:
Everytime it rears it's ugly head, tell that negative self talk to shut the fuck up!!!
We see it in you, and I know it's hard as hell at times to see it in yourself, but you are a wonderful man with so much to give to the world.
Fate works in mysterious ways. Wish I could figure it out, but you just have to put on that brave face and you'll get through it. Things will get better. Hang in there!
*Hugs*


DefiniteTrouble 50F

10/22/2005 6:59 am

T -

You know firsthand the sheer hell 5 and I went through to get to our current place in life. It wasn't easy. It almost wasn't at all. If I remember correctly, and I do, you were the glue that held it all together while we hashed it out.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to "leap before I look." I tend to analyze things to death and in the end often find myself alone and miserable out of fear and self-doubt.

Yes, you have to let go of your past if you plan to move on with your future. You can't keep wallowing in what you could've done differently. Instead, you need to focus on what you're going to do next. Something positive. And promise yourself you'll not go back to the days of old except as a mere reflection of things you wish not to repeat, not as a source of damning yourself further.

You have a good heart and a laughing soul. Someone will come along who appreciates you for who you are. It just takes time. Be patient, my dear friend. Good things come to those who wait. I'm a perfect example of that. I've waited a lifetime it seems...and it was damn sure worth the wait.

I love you - DT


dranba 39F

10/22/2005 6:09 pm

Trav, you and a fellow blogger inspired me. Do you realise that the only people that give a damn about who they are and how their actions affect others, are generally the best people on the planet?

Ok, you may not like aspects about yourself. But you have realised this and so any changes can be worked on. There's the light, my friend.


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