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My Spirit Dances and Sings...
10/14/2005 1:16 am
My Spirit Dances and Sings...
Once or twice a month I try and do a search on all the Texas bloggers. I try to get as deep down into the list of current bloggers as I can to encourage them to write, if they are making a serious attempt. I read a blog tonight that sounded like me when I first started. Scary actually. I read it, posted and left. I couldn’t stay around. Her blog is at [blog jesskitty] Sounds like she could use some encouraging words. I don’t write very much anymore describing the pain I feel. Much of this I attribute to moving on. Going forward. I do attribute the lack of permanent depression primarily to medicinal help. I used to think it sounded weak, unmanly and idiotic to need them. Now I know I can’t survive without it. Without them I fall deeper into despair. Its funny. I don’t take a lot, just enough to let me live normal. I am getting off track here but if you struggle with depression, especially men, seek help.
I realized tonight that I was able to use where I have been to hopefully offer hope to her. Which made the struggle tolerable. I hope it was helpful, even for a second. I know your words of encouragement, even when I felt like I was constantly whining, was always helpful to get me back on track.
I remember feeling like she did. For those of you that have never been there, the only way I know to describe it is to remind you of the scene in “A Beautiful Mind”, where Russell Crowe is chained to the chair. His “imaginary friend Charles” is in one chair and the Doctor is in another. Crowe keeps asking Charles to say something and all the while the Doctor is asking him who he is talking to. Very confusing scene. Very painful. It is the closest I can come to my reality 5 months gone. 5 Months. Can you believe that? Almost half a year.
I started writing this because a friend on here sent me an email saying “Don’t you see what we see in you? Look in the mirror. What do you see?” I could have laughed it off. I am not looking for you to build me up now. But, the answer to her question was, “no, not really.” See, I struggle with acceptance from others. I believe it is getting better. Just ask my friends on here. They know. But behind the false bravado is one seeking acceptance not from others but from himself. I haven’t been able to get her words out of my mind. I hadn’t looked at myself in the mirror yet. So I did it. This morning and this is what I found.
A 30 year old man.
Holds himself with confidence either real or feigned, but confidence nonetheless
He can be arrogant and proud, haughty even.
Sometimes full of self-righteousness
A compassionate man
A Warriors heart
Victorious in life
Full of big ideas and dreams
Probably one of the best at the type work he does
A man that let a dream kill him when the dream itself wasn’t truly dead
A man prone to self condemnation (I am harsher on me than I would ever be on others)
A man that allowed the false dream of a “she” define his every waking moment
A man that can tear himself down faster than you ever thought you could
I am resilient, I always get back up. I don’t know what it means to stay face down in the dirt.
I am strong. Strong of character and strong of mind
I am funny and imaginative
For once I can say a woman would be lucky to have me
I am not easy nor easily won over by words any longer
Sex doesn’t define me.
My failures do not define me
I offer hope to others
I will be ok
I am determined
My life has purpose. It is my job to discover it. Not wait for it to happen
I am a Texan
I am gentle with children
I am loved by many
I am feared by many
I am an agent of change
This is a hard list for me to write. See… every time I place something positive about myself in the list, I cringe. Then I write it. Not because of what someone else might think or say because of what I say to myself. However, I wrote the list and I do believe them. It is a struggle but I do. See, I can no longer wait for some “thing” to define me. I must define myself. Therefore, I have the list above. It is who I am when I am not lying to myself. I write it to remind me of who I am when I am down.
I refuse to go back to that dark place any longer. Nor will I allow the lies I told myself to take me there again. The edge of destruction is too dark, too dark and the walk in the light is too freeing. My spirit is dancing in joyful reconciliation tonight.
10/14/2005 5:31 am
You just qualified my blog post... again.
Depression is a bastard huh? I know... it's also one of the most difficult things to admit to, as it makes you feel less... everything really. Like we fail if we get depressed. Sometimes society and our conditioning put in place some really wanky and fucked up beliefs for us.
I look at depression now in the same way as a sprained ankle. It's not a big deal for me, but if I see anyone with it... you can guarantee I will let them lean on me for support.
It's only temporary. Once you get your mind around the fact. Our lives are so full of stress these days, depression is an unfortunate side effect.
Chin up buddy. I think you wrote an accurate list. From what I've seen I would add brave to the list, and pioneering.
10/14/2005 8:05 am
I would add...one of the sickest most politically incorrect senses of humor ever to stalk the earth...but aside from that, you are also one of my coolest new friends...Stay up buddy, The top of the mountain is coming... we will make it.|
10/14/2005 8:16 am
Thank you for sharing this, Trav.|
I could have already guessed most of them, and I haven't been here very long. All of these things really do shine thru here.
Maybe blogging has been another mirror for you.
You did lose me on the "feared by many" statement. You're too likable to fear. ( -----Hahaha, I wrote lickable by mistake. Hahaha Glad I caught that one. Hahahaha Just had to share it anyway.----- )
Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
10/14/2005 9:09 am
And I would ad "admired by many".|
I'm proud of you. And I really mean that.
10/14/2005 9:10 am
ugh typo - *add (not ad) sorry|
10/14/2005 10:20 am
wow. though I AM a bit emotional (off the anti-deprresants two full months at this point-woohoo!) these days, THAT was one of the coolest and open things I have ever read. You touched my heart and made me cry a river. I am so glad that you have overcome your fears, worries and lost dreams. Because sometimes, you just have to "suck it up" and feel the pain so that you can survive it. Stay on that cloud baby!|
10/14/2005 10:26 am
Impressive, Thanks for fighting the good fight.|
10/14/2005 11:06 am
Ditto on what Sizzle and Jez said.|
Your my pal and I am always proud of you.
The only difference in us is a few years and I was lucky enough that 3 years later "she" came back and this time it is the right time and place.
10/14/2005 1:55 pm
Im glad u were so open about this. You have given many others strength u will never know..
*pats him on the rear*
Its good to be...ME
10/14/2005 3:45 pm
It's about time! Love ya...|
10/14/2005 6:44 pm
you're a good man Trav|
i agree with the whole list especially "Holds himself"
oh wait i think the whole thing was "Holds himself with confidence either real or feigned, but confidence nonetheless"
keep that spirit dancing Trav or i'm going to send Jez, KJ, and Cruella after you with the whips to make you dance one way or the other
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
10/15/2005 2:59 am
Trav thought I would share this with you...|
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back"...
A friend of mine sent this to me at the right time during one of my life journies...
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy... Ero
10/15/2005 9:43 pm
Hey Trav, |
I sware I have become a "junkie" for yours and Jezz's posts!! Niether of you know me, but I love your blogs! Being a person who suffered from deep depression once, I am proud of you for seeing yourself as "somebody". Sometimes it's a hard task to see, but there is life on the other side of the cloud. be well.