Moving On...  

travelingintexas 41M
posts
12/8/2005 12:49 pm
Moving On...

”Where is the Captain? Where is he? This storm is getting worse and we are off course! Steward, find the captain!”

“I already looked, Sir! He is in his cabin and refuses to come out!”

“Refuses to come out? This is HIS ship! His responsibility! If he doesn’t correct our course we are doomed!”


I came awake this morning at 6AM. Charged and ready to take on the new day. A figment of my old self I have not experienced often since I started blogging here. I jumped in the shower, got dressed and headed out for a quick breakfast at McManboobs and then to Target. As I walked through Target I saw the Christmas decoration section ahead of me and made a hard left. Refusing to even head in that direction I put my head down and headed away. Pouting and sulking that I had no home to call Christmas of my own. The same old refrain I sing in my head day after blasted day.

Until I stopped in my tracks and realized something. No one is going to do it for me. Huh? No one is going to ride to my rescue and make it better. I have been waiting on a Savior to come and take my problems away. How selfish and hypocritical of me to think this way. Every illusion I had placed in my way, so I didn’t have to see reality was ripped asunder as I stood there. My job? My responsibility? It all shed away from me as hot wax runs the length of a candle. The self lies and talk. The bitterness and shame. A freeing sensation of such magnitude left me speechless.

I realized, this ship I captain, called MY life, had no captain. I was hiding in my berth, afraid to come out to the detriment of so many. Robbing both myself and so many others of who I am. The storms tossed around me and the ship heaved to and fro and I ran. I ran. Hiding helplessly and uselessly under the covers of my cabin with the door locked, all the while my passengers that depended on me ran for their lives and sought comfort and safety I was supposed to bring.

I came back to my hotel and talked to [blog sj365] and sweetest_sin_jes to be reminded once again that I am not the only one suffering. That I am not the only one here hurting. I so often become so selfish and self absorbed I forget that those I call friends are hurting in their own ways. In my unintentional arrogance, I believe I am the only one. However, I am not.

As I talked to [blog sj365] a song came on the radio. Rascal Flatts “I’m Moving on.” What an eye opener. I literally sat back, closed my eyes and let the words wash over me. She sent it to me via e-mail and I played it again and again. Tears streaming down my face I listened. Let me share it and my thoughts with you!

Rascal Flatts- “I’m Moving On
I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on


Travelings Thoughts-

My past is just that. My past. A ghost of who I was and not who I am. Haunted. I have been haunted by me and the fear of tomorrow. Not living in today. So here, in the quiet of my hotel room, with this song playing, I gave up and sacrificed my past. So hard. So very hard to let go of the reality I had lied to myself about for so long. I felt myself in many ways refusing to let go of the lies because they had become truths in my eyes. Warring with myself and my very soul to let go, give up. I let it all out. I refused to live by an old definition. Living the life of a dead mans legacy. I AM NOT THAT MAN. A lie I told myself for too long is I am not enough, I am unworthy, I am a failure, I am ashamed. That is a slow death and I have a life to live. A life to serve. And a ship to captain! I am content with a past I regret. However, this does not define my future, unless I let it.

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

Travelings Thoughts-

The mirror I see in others faces of me is a reflection of my past, not who I am today. They can’t see the new me. This reflection doesn’t define me. Oh no no no this doesn’t define me at all! I am Traveling. Todays Traveling moving into tomorrow with a fresh start with a new day.

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone


Travelings Thoughts-

Life has been patiently waiting for me. Ahhhhhh How good those words are to hear. Oh sweet release! Rather than stay hidden in the dank cabin I call home, I break the door down, charge up the stairs and on to the deck into FRESH AIR! Breathing deeply I bellow “This is MY SHIP and I AM IN COMMAND!” I am pretty sure, I felt the ship respond without even touching the helm. I plant my feet firmly on my deck, square my shoulders and get a read on the direction I should take. This is a process for I must seek for an answer to my destination however, I am in command of my ship once more. “I am not alone?” No... I look around and see so many faces looking at me. Not in hate or fear, but in hope. Hope of a difference. Hope I will be the captain they were promsied when boarding this ship with me. So many of you are those faces. I am in command of my ship and we run before the wind now!

“I have made up my mind that those days are gone...”

OH GOD! FREEDOM! Such as you may or may not understand! I am free don’t you see! Look in my eyes, see the spring in my step, see my movements I am a free man! Those days... they are (whispers) gone.... Left in the wake of my ship. Cut away completely their tentacles can no longer drag my ship down, slowing her speed or making me cautious to cut across the wind. Do you see me? Look at me? I am Traveling and I AM FREE!

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived that I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on


Travelings Thoughts-

“I loved like I should but lived that I shouldn’t” OH GOD. OH GOD. So very true! So immensely, overwhelmingly true. Bound by lies, deceit and unfair justice brought on by the condemnation of self. I did too. I lost everything. Everything but I found out. I am free and I am moving on. Strong, courageous. Unstoppable and master of my own ship! My own life! My own destiny. Storms will come, storms will go. Self condemnation will come and go. Those are lies to be fought and freed of. Ghosts of the wisp of a man I no longer am. In fact, as I look in my mirror in front of me, I don’t even see THAT man, I see THIS man and he is a force to be reckoned with. He is the captain of a powerful ship with a destination as yet unknown. However, this captain knows where he isn’t going and that is back into hiding. I have a ship to sail!

I AM FREE!
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on



rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
12/8/2005 1:06 pm

yayy! go baby go!


Sorceror07 54M

12/8/2005 1:11 pm

keep on keeping on bro!

rock on too ,'..'

S

...i usually remember the words to 'i'm free' by the who and 'already gone' by the eagles in situations like that.

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


bardicman 50M

12/8/2005 1:17 pm

I have to say.. I have been in a funk all day feeling like my life was being jostled and pulled along by fate and pre-desitnation.. This posting here has cheered me along Trav.

Very powerful message Trav.. Thanks Bro.. I needed that.



I am not dead yet


angelofmercy5 59F
17881 posts
12/8/2005 1:32 pm

What a great blog! Just hope you're not movin on out of blogland!


kyplowboy22 61M

12/8/2005 1:33 pm

I sit here in stunned silence, beau. I can interchange your name for mine and it fits. It fits. It's strange, I downloaded the words to that song about a week ago. I have heard it over and over again on the radio, but seeing it right there in front of me in black and white somehow made the words more tangible. And the meaning of them shook me. I'm movin' on as well. I must. I have no choice. There was a colonel at D-day that barked to his men as they were being torn to shreads by enemy fire, "Get up and get off this beach, men! There are only two kinds of soldiers on this beach! Dead ones and ones that get off of it!". Move on or perish here. That's where I found myself. Dying is easy enough, and you will get through it when it comes. It is living though, that is hard, that is the true test of a man. What you do and how you go about it is the legacy you live. Later

kpb

PS: Glad you blogged the words to the song, I'm not sure I could have done them this justice. Well said


PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
12/8/2005 2:06 pm

*HUG*

Welcome back to living, sweets. We're all rooting for you here in Blogland.

And if you ever get lonely out there, you have our IMs and addys to call for help, even if it's only hearing you vent.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma


GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
12/8/2005 2:15 pm

Gawd, I gotta find me that song ....

gud for ya


StreaktheFreak 38F

12/8/2005 2:17 pm


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
12/8/2005 2:43 pm

Keep Traveling Trav

One of my email friends shared this song with me a couple of months ago. I'm going to share your post with her. I think I'll encourage Lil to visit your blog again too so she doesn't miss it in the shuffle. Actually everyone in Bloggy World should read it.

Keep going Trav. As you always are kind enough to say to others, you are not alone.

Best wishes

Always


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
12/8/2005 2:55 pm

Okay I'm going to be totally girlie and share some song lyrics with you Trav

I promise I won't call you Sweetie and giggle though ... Sweetie ... Well I didn't giggle at least ... That would have felt really creepy

Artist: Marietta Lyrics
Song: Destination Unknown Lyrics

I see life and it's passin' right before my eyes
And the past is the past don't regret it, time to realize
I need to walk on the wire just to catch my breath,
I don't know how or where but I'm goin' it's all that I have left

It don't matter where it takes me
Long as I can keep this feeling runnin' through, my soul

Never took this road before -- destination unknown
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown
Won't be coming back this way gotta go it alone
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown

See a chance gotta take it wanna meet my fate
'Cause the last thing I ever wanted was to find out it's too late
No way out when you're in it deeper than the night
There's a light at the end of the tunnel and I see it burning bright

It don't matter where it takes me
Long as I can keep this feeling soarin' through, my soul

Never took this road before -- destination unknown
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown
Won't be comin' back this way gotta go it alone
Oh oh oh ohohoh -- destination unknown



S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


DTduzDallas 50F

12/8/2005 2:56 pm

Like KPB, I too could easily swap my name with yours and your post would read perfectly to suit me. No, you're not the only one hurting. And it's obvious you're not the only one moving on. True, you can't rely on a Savior to solve all your problems, but you can count on your friends to lend you a helping hand. Always.


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
12/8/2005 2:58 pm

The chorus of Broken Wings by Mr. Mister

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
And learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up
And let us in

There ya go baby. You just have to learn to fly again and know that we'll be there to catch you if you fall.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
12/8/2005 3:00 pm

Okay this is a little more butch ... It's a man-poem that has helped me deal when I needed it ... I calls it a man-poem so I don't feel so girlie admiting I like some poetry

Invictus
William Ernest Henley
1849‒1903

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.



S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
12/8/2005 3:31 pm

Congratulations Darlin...you've moved out of the world of "victim" into the much better world of "survivor". **clapping hands & cheering Trav on**

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


mistymommie 39F

12/8/2005 4:59 pm

You are a truly beautiful person inside and out. I wish you happiness in all that you do. I love reading your blogs because I know that there is a real person there behind them. You keep movin on and each day will be a better site to see.

Misty


keithcancook 60M
17718 posts
12/8/2005 5:00 pm

May your new course hold firm and true, Captain Trav.


norprin5 55M

12/8/2005 5:03 pm

congrats, Trav. hang in there, you know we're listening

King Nor XVIII


EyeCandy33333 44F
761 posts
12/8/2005 5:32 pm

Rascal Flatts I'm Movin On is truly a touching song- afavorite one.
Now you need a couple of drinks and Rob Zombie's Pussy Liquor to get out of the funk or Joe Nichol's Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off:

SHE SAID i'M GOING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
MAGUARITAS AT THE HOLIDAY INN
OH MERCY...MY ONLY THOUGHT
WAS TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

I TOLD HER PUT AN EXTRA LAYER ON
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE DRINKS PATRON
HER CLOSETS MISSING HALF THE THINGS SHE BOUGHT
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

CH....SHE'LL START BY KICKING OUT OF HER SHOES
LOSE AN EARRING IN HER DRINK
LEAVE HER JACKET IN THE BATH ROOM STALL
DROP A CONTACT DOWN THE SINK

THEM PANTYHOSE AIN'T GONNA LAST TOO LONG
IF THE D J PUTS BON JOVI ON
SHE MIGHT COME HOME IN A TABLECLOTH
TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

SOLO

SHE CAN HANDLE ANY CHAMPAIGNE BRUNCH
BRIDAL SHOWER WITH BACARDI PUNCH
JELLO SHOOTERS FULL OF SMIRNOFF...
BUT TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

CHORUS

SHE DON'T MEAN NOTHING
SHE'S JUST HAVING FUN
TOMORROW SHE'LL SAY
OH WHAT HAVE I DONE
HER FRIENDS WILL JOKE ABOUT THE STUFF SHE LOST
CAUSE TEQUILA MAKES HER CLOTHES FALL OFF

Yes sir that is what a 2-3 glasses of wine will do or most definitely anything with more alcohol and I am prolly in trouble-but havin a good time at it!
Hey have you gotten snow yet???


TTigerAtty 62M

12/8/2005 6:11 pm

Trav...Here are some more lyrics that will help you today and tomorrow. Remember that as you "walk on", your earthly friends are with you and will walk along with you. But, don't ever lose sight of the fact that you also have a Heavenly Friend who will never leave you and never forsake you. Lean on Him, seek refuge in Him.

You'll Never Walk Alone

When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.


Best wishes, "Tex"!


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

12/8/2005 7:41 pm

so proud of you Trav...big hugs!


In calm water every ship has a good captain.

Proverbs


TTFN


EyeCandy33333 44F
761 posts
12/8/2005 8:44 pm

Emm Trav-nice tattoo darling!Such strong arms you have!
Terrie


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
12/8/2005 9:12 pm

yup...you got it...

gotta tell you Trav...I've seen you grow leaps and bounds
in the short amount of time I've been here and I'm proud of
you. Being in the valley is not a picnic in the park...

a little note about that sea going vessel....
you will never control the winds;
and yet, you can always adjust the sails...

now, go celebrate my birthday month

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


Synn74 42F
1206 posts
12/8/2005 9:17 pm

glad to know you're happy



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


Goodthingstocum 44M

12/8/2005 9:25 pm

I love boats, but then cake is good too!


bangingmyhead 54M
157 posts
12/8/2005 9:27 pm

Trav, what a powerful post. I think at times we all come to a realization that we have to power to change our situation. Several months ago I came upon the same thoughts you did, and decided to take life by the horns and make something happen. Good luck in your journey of self discovery.


rm_cockmerollme 45F
1223 posts
12/8/2005 9:33 pm

Long story, but when I was moving from one place to another in Virginia, I heard that song, and just...lost..my..shit. I went out and bought the album the next day.....talk about songs that make you want to drive off a cliff...and feel hopeful at the same time. It's the "they'll never allow me to change" line that made me realize, no matter how bad things are in Virginia, I can never go back to New York. And that kinda sealed my fate. Six years later, and I have the life I never thought I deserved. And I got it all by myself. Congradulations, Trav. Smile, and give yourself a hand...........

LET'S GO METS!!!


dawndirtymind 42F
370 posts
12/8/2005 10:18 pm

It's nice when those revelations are found. Even if it's in the damndest places. So glad to see this post and know that you're on the upswing, Trav! We're here right behind you every step of the way.


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
12/8/2005 10:47 pm

"opening of one's eyes" .... way to go Trav... keep'em open and as always I am wishing for you smooth, steady sailing.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


2xTwiceShy 51M
470 posts
12/8/2005 11:45 pm

Steady as she goes Captain. There's sunsets over that next hill.

As for decorating for the holidays, I'm inclined to recommend a Simpson's theme. Little Homers dangling from the window.

Have a good one.


LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
12/9/2005 3:58 am

OMG FINALLY!... ffs...

Congrats Trav!

Welcome to your life.

Let me know if you ever need a tour guide.

((((Hugs))))

XOXO
-A


sweetdarlin71 45F

12/9/2005 5:28 am

Hey Trav, I have been reading your blog for a short while now and have never had the courage to comment until now. I think it's great, the revelation you've had, sometimes it's so hard to move forward when starting over. I wanted to share something that may remind you of the many friends you have here, should another storm rock your sweet ship:

Sonnet 30
William Shakespeare

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.

We're here for you.
Sail on.


Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

12/9/2005 10:25 am

I am pleased to be 'meeting' and getting to know you, and happy that you are here now .....and I mean that in every sense.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
12/9/2005 11:15 am

Hey Trav..There is already 6 inches of snow!!! LOL... A.F.F. Meet and greet 12/18/05


EyeCandy33333 44F
761 posts
12/9/2005 12:21 pm

6 inches emmmm-hmmmmmmmm maybe more!


deliciousngood 64F
1666 posts
12/9/2005 4:01 pm

WOW Trav...your revelation is certainly inspiring!

Life is for living...say YES to stuff


weineroftheworld 66M

12/9/2005 10:42 pm

Incredible post. I was enthralled with it. I was reminded by a poem by Langston Hughes:
I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!


EroGenOusKitty 41F

12/18/2005 9:09 pm

D I am so proud of you!!!

As you sincerely go for deeper levels of self-actualization, the results you will have in self-worth and increased quality of life will motivate you, leading you to an even wider dimensional awareness. The results will be so rewarding, you will even develop a passion for true happiness and self management!!!

Now please print this blog writing off and always have it handy for you to read when you are feeling the dragon creeping up on you

Your desire runs deep and please always remember there is NOTHING more powerfull than the human soul on FIRE!!

CHeers and Hugs... Ero


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