Let's Try This Again and Everyone Play Nice.... A True Story....  

travelingintexas 41M
10/13/2005 12:21 am
Let's Try This Again and Everyone Play Nice.... A True Story....

*** Let it through... I am hurting no one with this.***

How about this... Warning: If you are a member of PETA or other fringe whacko groups, please do not read this as it will offend your sensibilities and you will be unable to function in a free society. Please go read something that has pictures of naked body parts or find something that others might find offensive that don't think like you.

There are some things that are too funny to not share. This happened a month or two ago. We decided not to share it then but I just changed my mind and decided it was time.

The players here are:

five_speed travelingintexas
The Dominatrix The Ranger The Texan

Here is the story. I am talking to Cruella when a cat brings in a bird that it just caught. Cruella wants to help put the bird out of its misery because it has really been messed up by the cat. So the following conversation ensues. This may be long, but it is funny as crap and true. Kinda like our cybersex episode. We get in more trouble offline than we do on.

Yeah were badasses.....

Trav: OH MY GOD damn cat
Cruella Jessica Rabid: chit the poor bird is alive and suffering!
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I’ve never killed an animal
Cruella Jessica Rabid: SHIT
Cruella Jessica Rabid: come kill it
Cruella Jessica Rabid: shit
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I hate this
Cruella Jessica Rabid: that damn fukkin cat
Trav: pop its head off!
Trav: You gotta use your thumb (I have heard dove hunters talk about popping the heads off of doves during hunting season. How hard could it be right?)
Cruella Jessica Rabid: huh
Cruella Jessica Rabid: i gotta touch it?
Trav: its what they do to Doves in hunting season but I don’t know how specifically....I don’t hunt
Trav: I don’t know is 5er on? (Here I have a brilliant thought. Surely the Ranger knows something about survival techniques right?)
Cruella Jessica Rabid: lemme look
Trav: no he's not
Trav: do it like a chicken and wring its neck?
Trav: get a shovel?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I thought of the shovel
Trav: I cant believe you and I are having this conversation
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I’m DYIN here
Cruella Jessica Rabid: come over and kill it
Cruella Jessica Rabid: please
Cruella Jessica Rabid: only us
Trav: ummmmmm I would, but there’s the whole 2000 mile thing.
Cruella Jessica Rabid: Sweet jezuz
Trav: let the cat have it back
Cruella Jessica Rabid: bloody cat is gonna chase it down it better know how to killit..
Trav: it’ll finish it off quickly......its what they do
Cruella Jessica Rabid: its been trying to kill it for 15 minutes the lame ass!
Trav: id say shovel......I wouldn’t want you feeling having to kill it
Cruella Jessica Rabid: SHIAT
Trav: or just ignore it and let nature do its thing
Trav: ??????????????????

The entire time, I am doing a search online on how to pop a doves head off when hunting. All I can find are wild game recipes, so I start copying and pasting in the instructions from these web sites. During this time, I have also messaged 5er to ask him and Cruella is fretting, trying to figure out what to do. She also begins talking to 5er as I send these recipes.

Trav: How to Clean Dove:

Shoot your birds at a distance that will not tear up the meat but obtain a clean kill. Clean and dress your birds as soon as possible after the kill. Some people like to take the easy way out by skinning instead of plucking, the bird will be much more juicy and flavorful if you leave the skin on. If you are going to store in the freezer for any length of time it is best to freeze in a plastic container filled with water with a tightly sealed lid.

Trav: How to Clean Crow:

Shoot your birds at a distance that will not tear up the meat but obtain a clean kill. Clean and dress your birds as soon as possible after the kill. Clean, and cut out the breast, discard the rest of the bird. Soak breasts overnight in a non metallic container with a mixture of 1 gallon water, 1/4 cup salt, and 1 teaspoon garlic juice. If you are going to store in the freezer for any length of time it is best to freeze in a plastic container filled with water with a tightly sealed lid.

Trav: Step One: Catch the Chicken
This part can be rather tricky. If you've never caught a chicken before, my experience is that the easiest way is to catch them off guard in the coop. Just grip the chicken by the legs and lift it off the ground holding the chicken upside down by the legs. The chicken may flap around a bit, but if you're careful, and have a good grip on the legs the chicken won't get away. The important thing to remember is not to let the chicken go, because it’s going to be really hard to catch it again now that its on its guard.

Trav: any of this help?
Trav: I’m searching as fast as I can here
Cruella Jessica Rabid: yeah if I wanna eat it!
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO KILL IT
Cruella Jessica Rabid: I’m dying here
Trav: cut its head off with a shovel.......quick and easy and it isn’t in your hands. You won’t feel it.
Cruella Jessica Rabid: *heaves*

Trav: its dead, you puke, we are all happy
Cruella Jessica Rabid: what if the shovels blunt?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: now I’m going to hell for killing...
Trav: well I was trying to figure out if you should do it on concrete or dirt
Trav: lol no your not lol
Cruella Jessica Rabid: well I don’t wanna clean it up
Trav: just let the cat have it I’m telling ya.....let nature do its thing......
Cruella Jessica Rabid: ya but suffering bad… only leads to hate.. hate..
Trav: put in on some dirt........sever its head with the shovel your done
Cruella Jessica Rabid: ok

This is how Cruellas and 5er Conversation went... Keep in mind I am looking and sending her recipe’s while she has this conversation with 5er.

5er: so you have a crippled bird?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: yes
Cruella Jessica Rabid: phucktard neighbor cat
Cruella Jessica Rabid: not even mine
5er: good grief, the things people ask me. I suppose it could be worse though
Cruella Jessica Rabid: Hey you’re the ranger
5er: yeah
Cruella Jessica Rabid: and your not near or id have u do it
5er: i'd take care of it for you. You could probably convince me to take care of the cat too.

Trav: Step two: Kill the Chicken
There are two methods that I've seen to kill a chicken. One is to simply lay the chicken on a chopping block and cut off its head. This can be rather bloody, but it’s a sure way to be positive that the chicken is dead.

The second method (and the one I'm going to discuss here) is to wring the chicken's neck. If this is done correctly it's a lot less messy.

So, take your chicken by the legs (you are still holding it right?). In your other hand pull down on the neck and then bend it upward very quickly. If you've done it correctly, then you will feel a snap, and the chicken will reflexively begin to flap its wings. At this point my great grandmother would drop the chicken and let it run around the yard until it's body finished dying.(hence the term run around like a chick with its head cut off.

5er: I suppose you don't have an obvious solution on hand, like a gun?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: a gun for a little bird? LMAO
Cruella Jessica Rabid: No just a BB gun
5er: is the bird immobile, or can it hop around still?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: its really peepin/screemin and sorda floppin
5er: I don't suppose you have a gas oven do you? (trying for humane solution)
Cruella Jessica Rabid: electric
5er: doh
5er: well, if it was me
Cruella Jessica Rabid: (like 5 min goes by of him typin)
Cruella Jessica Rabid: baby i dont need the A-team version..lmao
Cruella Jessica Rabid: hurry!
Cruella Jessica Rabid: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
5er: I'd get an old sheet - a pillow case would be better. get it in the pillow case, twist the end shut, and slam it into the sidewalk or hit it with something heavy
Cruella Jessica Rabid: shovel?
5er: yeah
5er: be prepared to hit it a couple times
Cruella Jessica Rabid: ok I’ll go try that... im going to hell now for killing, shiatttttt
5er: just don't look in the bag when you're done
Cruella Jessica Rabid: Ok thanks baby ill ttyl I owe ya 1
5er: let me know how it goes

After it is over...............................

Trav: We are a sick bunch
Trav: I still say shovel
Trav: wouldn’t "feel" as much. SO how did you do it?
Cruella Jessica Rabid: well I did the pillow case shovel combo.. its always a 3 some with me

Cruella Jessica Rabid: Big army Ranger talking to badass dominatrix bitch talking to kick ass Texan ....................ROFLMAO... We are SOOOOOOOO tough...

The things we do when no one is around…. Ugh………

(Princess Lips)

10/13/2005 8:41 am

reminds me of the time the bird flew in my porch, and stuck to my fly strip...


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
10/13/2005 8:51 am

Okay, for future reference. Stick the bird in a plastic bag and throw it in the freezer. It's temperature lowers, and it passes out before it freezes.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

madkitten 53F
291 posts
10/13/2005 8:54 am

Oh dear that is so bad, lol, but at least now I know what to do if my dog ever turns into a cat and starts bringing home half dead birds.

saddletrampsk 54F

10/13/2005 10:13 am

OMFG that is so funny..lol..I have been in Barbie's shoes before with an injured rabbit my dogs had brought back to the farm..I phoned my husband at work and he told me to shoot it..I found the gun but couldn't find the damn shells so I beat the rabbit to death humanely with the butt of the gun while I cried and sobbed hysterically..I guess imma bunny killer and going to hell..

bulging_boy 49M

10/13/2005 11:01 am

You know, I'da popped it in a bag and put the bag on the exhaust.

Revved up for a few minutes and popped the bag in the bin.

...sure! If I was offering assistance to a lady. Otherwise I'd have let nature do it's thing. I'm not one to mess in the whole natures process bit.

Also... I'm a bit of a chicken myself.

dano6332 56M

10/13/2005 11:39 am

hmmmm no one thought of throwing it in the tub and drowning it
LMFAO you guys are hilarious

keithcancook 60M
17828 posts
10/13/2005 12:45 pm

If you think that is sick, you should see what papy does to my friends the RODENTS...

[post 19775]

sometimes she gets her cat to take em out sniper style...

[post 21577]

DefiniteTrouble 50F

10/13/2005 12:53 pm

roflmfao...and I thought you were gonna do "Shrek-Donkey"...forgot about the bird...

AlbertPrince 58M

10/13/2005 1:59 pm

And which resipe did you choose?

AlbertPrince 58M

10/13/2005 2:06 pm

that's not how you spell recipe...

(Juan S)
2642 posts
10/13/2005 2:17 pm

LOL...wimpy, wimpy, wimpy....ha ha!!!

blushingtigger 46F

10/13/2005 2:52 pm

OMG! I am ROTFLMAO. That was absolutely one of the funniest things I have read in a while. You gus area sick, twisted group aren't you? So, freakin' funny. BTW- I haven't been on in a few days and that is a smokin' pic Trav-very nice!

CantonOhCouple 60M/60F
553 posts
10/13/2005 6:38 pm

Great idea. Poor cat was only trying to be her friend.

LustGoddess2469 50F  
2453 posts
10/13/2005 7:43 pm

Tastes like chicken. lol


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

10/13/2005 8:27 pm

OMG! So funny! Reminds me of the time I had to kill a possum! I really should post that story again! Ya'll kill me!


Efilnikufecin69 47M

10/13/2005 9:25 pm

...better yet Daphne, it would help alot as a start to GET RID OF THE DAMNED CAT! There are many ways to do so, and remember: it is a myth that cats always land on their feet! Last experience I had with a cat that scratched the hood of my car: I tied it to a tree in the back yard, then I let my Doberman chase it around the tree until the line was too short. My Dobi did the rest. Granted, it was a mess, and I had to lie to my neighbor as to what happened to his cat, but it was satisfying. If you burn Bunz, then I will certainly!

rm_snuggleme27 43F
2 posts
10/13/2005 9:52 pm

Hey Trav, That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time! She should have left the pillow case on the friggen neighbors porch! Ok, maybe that would have been too dramatic.......lolol

SoljerBlu 39M

10/13/2005 10:19 pm

Ozzie would have just bit the damn bird's head off. But one cat I had would have ripped my arms to shreds if I tried to take his bird.

dawndirtymind 42F
370 posts
10/14/2005 12:45 am

Between Bunny's Roast Post and this one, my sides and face hurt from laughing so hard! Now the question is if anyone has tried those recipes you mentioned?? LOL

five_speed 41M

10/14/2005 1:34 am

as I said in the other one, it was kinda weird for me. No one ever asked me advice on how to kill something before. I should have thought of the freezer, but I'm a straight-line thinker when it comes to killing things. If it had been me, I'd have shot it or broke its neck. I was trying to think outside of the box for Bunny's sake, and I never thought of the freezer. Oh well.

barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
10/14/2005 1:58 pm

Dude 5, The bird was as big as my hand..how u think I could aim a gun panicked out at a small target and if i did conect, hed be blown to bits and id have bird guts all over me.....WHy the gun?

Its good to be...ME

XesSex03 50M/49F

10/15/2005 12:52 pm

Aint it great how that shit never happens to the person who would have no problem picking up the bird and calmly put it out of it's misery (or give it back to the cat)?
Wouldn't have been nearly so damn funny either.
Glad you got it to post.
Mr. Xes

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