Just Let Me Speak.... (Updated)  

travelingintexas 41M
posts
10/14/2005 8:10 pm
Just Let Me Speak.... (Updated)


Do you know how I feel? Right now? Do you wanna know. Wanna happy post. This ain’t it. Wanna know the deep down in the gut bullshit that is my life right now. Here it is. I make promises to myself. Promises. In that post last night I wrote about how wonderful I am. I sit with my head in my hands… right now… debating whether to even go on. Why should you care? See it doesn’t matter if you do or not. I started this as a place to vent. Tonight, I will vent. Tonight, you will hear my heart and my mind as it screams out in agony over an issue that I cannot fix for anyone it seems. If you don’t want to read. Then don’t. Don’t worry about me though. This is a place for me to give you my feelings right now. In living color. Not the overall picture of who I am. Although I am fixing to come pretty damn close to describing who I am. Right now I am going to write. Not care about the grammar just write. Want a pretty piece? Too bad it’s not for you. This is for me. This is the self talk I deal with. This is the condemnation that runs through the course of mind, showering me with self hate and loathing that I cannot comprehend. I was strong last night and getting stronger. I declare to the world what I am and it’s like taking a fucking step backwards. If not three big ones. Surely this is not all there is. Surely the fuckup that is my life is not boiled down into one tiny piece of nothingness. I can see the light. I can see the GODDAMN LIGHT! It doesn’t get any closer. Doesn’t fucking yield to my footsteps in chase.

Tonight… I learn my kids question my love for them. My kids. That I am emotional unattached to them so they say. Can I do anymore? I don’t know what. Take away that last bridge to sanity and I am nothing. They are the tie that binds me as close to reality as I can come. I have lost everything. Everything I have I have lost and there is no way to get it back. No hoping of going back to the place I was at. The job responsibilities? Am I doing my part there? No… Why? Pride? Not settling. Not wanting to be a burger flipper. I guess I think I am too good. That the job will come. I try…. It just doesn’t happen on my schedule. Do I have friends? Yes… nameless faces that come and see me once a day, to see if I am cheesy, to see what I think, to laugh at my antics. Have I traded one fantasy world for another? Is this the direction my life will take? One fantasy after another after another after another?

I cannot stay there. I cannot stand to see the pain my actions have caused in others. It is enough to drive a man to drink and I don’t freaking drink. I can’t even do that part right. Has the last 4-5 months been a farce? Has the direction I have come been a bleak and lying tunnel of destruction lying in wait for me? Have I been fooling myself? Am I a blind man trying to find the corner of a circular room? Why won’t it happen? WHY WONT IT HAPPEN… Why can I not move forward? I get the nerve up to take a step forward and I have fingers and accusations pointed at me. Terrible husband. Terrible Father. Where are my real world friends? Gone. Terrible friend. What is left? A fucked up existence in the middle of a Starbucks in Temple where people snicker at the crazy guy sitting in the corner typing on his computer. There is no succor. It lies in wait to attempt to destroy.

What is this emotion?? This emotion is pure anger. Nothing more and nothing less. I am furious. Go through a wall furious. At everything. Me. Surroundings. Situation. Me. This is not depression. It is not. Hear me. This is not depression. This is anger. Pure and simple. I can literally taste the anger I currently carry. If you knew how hard I was hitting this keyboard you would wonder how the computer worked. It is rattling through me to the tips of my fingers. Pure fury. There is nothing I can do to change it tonight. Not a damn thing. I want to. I want to. I want to. I want to. I don’t want to get into specifics so my rant won’t make sense to you unless you know the situation. Just allow me to vent. Just allow me to vent. How can I be such a disappointment to everyone that sees me in reality? I can’t give them what they want. I just can’t. I just can’t. I can’t be an imaginary husband. I can’t be the perfect son. I can’t be the perfect son in law. Yes, I suffer the affliction of my very own failures. They are mine no one else’s. Why can’t I be enough for THEM though. Why can they not see I am not an ideal and a bad copy of a hope. I mess up more often than I succeed. I don’t want to I just do. I don’t set out for this. I didn’t set out to destroy those around me. I just do. I am a horrible father setting a horrible example and my kids are going to hate me? My kids are gonna screw up. I am going to screw up my kids? I AM FUCKING TRYING. DON TYOU SEE…. DO YOU NOT KNOW! Is all you can do is point out my faults, dwell in my failure? Imagine how much better I could be? Where is my ideal son? Where is my ideal husband? Where is my ideal Dad. This is reality. This is the cards I dealt. Your ideal is as shattered as mine is. Deal with it and move on. I certainly want to.

I was reminded again tonight of the lies I believed. The you are enough. The I will never leave you. I will give everything up. Where I felt nothing yesterday I feel great hate. I succumbed to the lie of a woman that would dick with my heart while at the same time dicking with the heart of everyone around me. What irony there is in that. Karma? Did I say I didn’t believe in Karma? Is that what this is? There is no grace? There is no peace? Just a hope of if I am good enough I will have good returned? Is that all I have to look forward to? The hope of if I am enough?

Bullshit that is not enough. Not enough. The measuring stick seems too high. I am judged by my past actions and rightfully so. When though will I be able to reach that light? When will normality return to a place with no loss of hope and pure desolation? When will I be able to stand without getting knocked down? Damnit I am tired of getting knocked down. No. That is not right. I am used to getting knocked down. I am tired of getting back up. I am tired of my face being rubbed in the dung heap of my existence. I am tired of standing again and saying “here I am… Take another swing.” I am tired of getting knocked down again and having to stand back up and say “is that all you have? You can’t hit harder than that?” Again and again and again. See there is a difference tonight between my normal thoughts in depression and where I am right now. Dadgumit I can list the list. I can list the list. I can list the list. I can list the list. I can say I am enough over and over but This getting knocked down shit is for the birds. Every time my situation spirals to a place even deeper than before. Lose a job. Lose your family. Lose your kids. Lose your house. Down and down and down and down and down and down.

I stand I walk I climb up and its like sliding down a rocky cliff. Dangit my feet are going forward but the gravity of my situation sucks me closer to the middle of nothing. Oh believe you me I am fighting. I just don’t know how.

(Update)
Thank you for your response. I am better now. I feel the need int he light of last nights post and tonight to clarify. What I wrote above was written in anger. It captured a couple hours period of real anger. I hesitated to post it because of last nights post, but they were two different things. One dealt with the depression side. One the anger at the overall situation. I guess if I am honest they overlap in places. I was angry and felt better immediatly. Actually, I posted and it was updated to the site within 15 minutes LOL Your response was immediate and amazing as always.

I truly do hesitate to write my emotions but first and foremost, that is how I started here. I feel like I am whining a lot. I hate that because I know what you read here is easily conveyed into the whole person and this is not so. This captured a short period of time for me. I was actually laughing and back to normal 30 minutes after posting it.

And yes, Huntress, I admit publicaly you were right. And I read and reread. With more readers here, I worry about writing this and my thoughts being misconstrued. I guess as an explanation, I am trying to capture the very essense of my emotions at these times so I can take them apart and disect them and find the true me in there and seperate it from the lies. That may make no sense to you guys but it makes perfect sense to me.

Thank you for allowing me my rant.....

My Blog Index:
Affairs of the Heart... My Journey While Here...

wyvernrose 38F
3895 posts
10/14/2005 8:48 pm

Hi trav

you are you, there is no stick, there is no one able to judge without first looking to themselves.

I know where you are, I am there often enough myself.

the only person you are accountable too is yourself. look at what YOU do, you cannot change others, you cannot change how they perceive you, their own perceptions are not shaped by you, but tinted by their view of their own experiences.

There is no Finite truth

they feel as you feel, they hurt as you do... you are not alone

when it knocks you down take a deep breathe and try a new direction

sometimes it take a new perspective to find the way

realise A - B is not a straight line sometimes we just need to find the bridge across the Ford, the Path around the mountain....

every chance you get tell your kids you love them and give them a Hug

Every morning is a new beginning, every Obstacle a challenge, it was never meant to be easy....

WyvernRose


spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
10/14/2005 9:15 pm

( The Soft Spin)
Trav, when I come to your blog I never know what to expect.
It wouldn't be right for me to only take the good and leave you with the bad, so I feel the need to post. To let you know that I hear you.
All I can offer are platitudes and cliches compared to what you are feeling and going thru. In the middle of the grieving process for your past self, your past life, and in the process of building your future self, your future life: the demands of your current life can seem overwhelming. All we can really do is keep moving forward with our goals and our priorities as intact as we can keep them. It sounds to me like you have that already, so just one size 14AAA in front of the other size 14AAA. You'll get there.

( The Hard Spin)
Cowboy Up!
Who hasn't been screwed over? Who doesn't feel like they've screwed up their own lives and the lives of those around them? Who doesn't silently scream at the endless lists of expectations stapled to their foreheads by others? That's life, man! Just wade thru it with the rest of us. If everything falls to pieces, FINE, just pick up the pieces you need and keep on wading.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

10/14/2005 9:25 pm

Trav:

I usually come into your blogs and "try" to say something witty and leave. I don't normally comment on the serious stuff, just saving my thoughts for the funny stuff, but I have some things to say on a serious note and I hope that you know that I DO care about you and what you are going through.

First thing is that you have ever right to be angry. To be mad at yourself. To be upset with the world. My goodness, you have lost a lot over the past few months. You are going through a grieving process. Grieving the loss of the life you knew for so long. And in the grieving process there is anger. Trust me. I have been grieving something totally different, but OH SO painful nontheless over the past year and a half. It has taken every single ounce of energy to make it through one day, much less 18 months. I won't go into it right now, but the road has been long and it has been tough, but I will NOT give into the temptation to end my life, no matter how bad I think things are. Why? Because I believe that time does heal all wounds and I don't believe that I will be able to make it to heaven if I do what I sometimes think about doing.

Secondly, divorce is hard on kids. Think of how your world has been turned upside down then try to put yourself in your kids' shoes. They, too, are going through a grieving process, but don't think for one minute that they don't love you. Do you realize that even kids who have been abused and beaten their whole young lives by their parent(s) still love them even after that tragedy?

Just be there for your kids and let them know how much you love them and miss them and talk to them every chance you get so that the communication lines are OPEN always. Let them know that they can talk to you ANYTIME about what is bothering them. Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but let them know nontheless that you are always there with an open mind, heart, and arms.

Maybe your kids are just insecure. My gosh, I'm so insecure sometimes that I could listen all day to people saying how worthy I am and not believe it. Keep reiterating how much you love them with words AND with actions. They will get over their anger and insecurities just like you will with time.

I KNOW it is SO hard to be patient. Especially with the amount of down time you have. I read your post the other day about not feeling direction in your life and I can totally understand that. People think that being a stay-at-home wife is the greatest thing, but it's not. I feel like I'm not needed for anything other than to do housework and I am one who needs to feel needed to be happy.

I know I'm rambling and I'm not meaning to, the point I'm trying to make is that you may not WANT to get back up, but you HAVE to get back up. It's the only honorable thing you can do. For yourself and your kids. And I know you are an honorable man. You can do it. Just dust yourself off and be stronger for doing so.

As for the woman - give her the one fingered salute and put her in the past where she belongs. Don't let her hurt you anymore. She doesn't deserve the time or effort.

Anyway, I feel so bad that you are going through this. If you should ever need a friend other than the ones you already have, please do not hesitate to contact me somehow.

Let others be your rock during this time, Trav. Trust me, sometime sooner or later they will need you to be their rock. And don't you want to be around for that? Doesn't it feel SO good to help others?

BE STRONG! Hugs 'n hugs 'n hugs 'n whatever else you may need!

Jess


007sexy40plus 51F  
7603 posts
10/14/2005 9:53 pm

Trav, sometimes I think our very reason for existing is to suffer over and over. We try hard to do things to please those we care about, but it never seems to be enough. What we must do is keep on doing what we do, if we get knocked down, we get right back up and move forward. Sometimes our closest family members will make us feel unworthy and unloved, but we just cant give up. I understand where you are coming from, but the only thing we can do is NOT give up the fight to go on, no matter how many times we get knocked down.

What I said isn't much, but I see myself in some of those words and have lived it. Remember what I have said before about myself "Im bent but I am not broken" <<<<---words to live by.

Much Love, Dear One!

I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"


__Huntress__ 55M/58F

10/14/2005 9:56 pm

A 30 year old man.
Good looking.
Intelligent
Holds himself with confidence either real or feigned, but confidence nonetheless
Incredibly gifted
He can be arrogant and proud, haughty even.
Sometimes full of self-righteousness
A compassionate man
A Warriors heart
Victorious in life
Full of big ideas and dreams
Probably one of the best at the type work he does
A man that let a dream kill him when the dream itself wasn’t truly dead
A man prone to self condemnation (I am harsher on me than I would ever be on others)
A man that allowed the false dream of a “she” define his every waking moment
A man that can tear himself down faster than you ever thought you could
I am resilient, I always get back up. I don’t know what it means to stay face down in the dirt.
I am strong. Strong of character and strong of mind
I am funny and imaginative
For once I can say a woman would be lucky to have me
I am not easy nor easily won over by words any longer
Sex doesn’t define me.
My failures do not define me
I offer hope to others
I will be ok
I am determined
My life has purpose. It is my job to discover it. Not wait for it to happen
I am a Texan
I am gentle with children
I am loved by many
I am feared by many
I am an agent of change

Read it again, and read it over and over again until you start to believe it and then read it again and again until it starts to sink in and read it yet again until it becomes a part of you ... Tex ... your worst enemy is you ... if you keep looking for your reflection in others eyes, you'll never see it ... this is who you are ... what you wrote here is who you are ... live it ... stop letting others define who you are ... define yourself ... as you've done in this post ... stop living for everyone else and start living for you ... YOU ...

{=}


HOTNBOTHERED0414 46F

10/14/2005 10:31 pm

I KNOW KINDA WHERE YOUR COMING FROM---MY KIDS MADE THE CHOICE TO GO LIVE WITH THEIR DAD FOR THE SCHOOL YEAR CAUSE HIS LIFE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER THEN MINE....HIS TOWN IS BIGGER, SCHOOLS ARE BETTER, HE HAS NICER THINGS, AND MORE MONEY.....KINDA CRUSHED ME THAT MY LOVE TO THEM WAS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP THEM HAPPY AND HERE WITH ME.....KINDA STINGS.

BUT THEY ARE TEENAGERS, SO WHAT CAN YA DO WITH THEM?


Synn74 42F
1206 posts
10/14/2005 10:36 pm

Trav..I know we rarely speak anymore..but I digress...

you are a wonderful man..full of more love than anyone realizes
and your children know this.. the friends you have here know this..
even you.. it may not seem it now but they love you even when you wonder.. just know you are ..

"Cyn"



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
10/14/2005 10:47 pm

Trav...think about this...
"turn poison, into medicine"...morning always comes after night".

None of this is to say it get's worse before it gets better. There is another way to look at it.

Find a way to calm yourself...take a deep breath.

Then...think about what your "poison's" are...now...think about how to change it from poison to medicine. You have the tool's...and you have the knowledge...dig deep...find the root of that poison...and change it.

Your friends here will support you...count on it..{=}

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
10/14/2005 11:36 pm

I just stopped by to see what was up in Texasville and wow. Anger and depression go hand in hand. It's because you are frustrated with how you feel and there is really no way to change that. You can work thru it though and writing about it is a good place as any to start. You will be okay Texas, some people have this all the time, I am one of them.


rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
10/14/2005 11:46 pm

We are our own worst critics. It's always harder seeing ourselves through our own eyes than those of us around us.

Families sometimes can be the worst thing to happen to us. I think they push us to overcome their mistakes, not wanting us to make the same ones that they made, only not being able to explain it to us that way. It always seems to come across as disapproval for some reason.

I'll tell you what Brat, if you weren't something pretty damn special I wouldn't keep coming around.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.


madkitten 53F
291 posts
10/15/2005 12:03 am

Trav I think what you are feeling is normal, your on a rollercoaster of trying to find your life, some days up and some days down, the down days hurt like hell, I know, and hurt makes you angry, but anger can be a good thing, because it makes you stand up for yourself.

For your kids, all kids have hate parent days, heck my eldest hated me for 17 years and that was for staying with his father, now he admits he loves me, but wants me and his dad to stay together.

There is no ideal son, father, mother or anything else, if there was we would all be the same, we have to be ourselves.

I know just how you feel, I too am angry at myself for allowing my life to go backwards, I felt I had made giant leaps in the summer and now I feel Im facing a winter of nothingness, but if my husband wasnt here I wouldnt of been able to get my car repaired and then I wouldnt be able to take the kids to school, so these problems with the car have made me feel like I have failed again to stand on my own 2 feet.

Trav you are a survivor, your life will get better, and your kids will love you again.

From your friend across the atlantic.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
10/15/2005 12:03 am

Trav...many children of divorce go through that phase... fortunately for you, you were told this relatively early and have the opportunity to change their opinion. Some don't say anything for a Long, long time... way after it is imbedded in their brain.
Better days are coming, but so are more hurdles...your situation is fairly new. Brace yourself my friend... As always my ear is open, if you want or need to talk.


BLONDENEEDSSEX 57F

10/15/2005 12:01 pm

Put this post back up , don`t hide your true emotions. By hiding your knocking yourself down.If someone cares about you , they care about who you are not what they can mold you into ,, or what you pretend to be. Be true to yourself , the rest will follow. Humor is great but the heart is so much more special. Let your heart and emotions shine as well as your humor.

XXXOOO
M
a.k.a
Blonde


wyvernrose 38F
3895 posts
10/15/2005 7:21 pm

trav nothing wrong with putting it out there we all understand that feelings ebb and flow don't hestitate

for it is all a part of you even if only for a moment

WyvernRose


007sexy40plus 51F  
7603 posts
10/15/2005 7:23 pm

i had made a comment on this post but it has disappeared. hmmmm imagine that! is this site a fuckscrew or what?

I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"


007sexy40plus 51F  
7603 posts
10/16/2005 1:43 pm

sorry trav, I thought the site gods had done away with the entire post then I saw it back but without my comment. its not a problem, I just didn't know....

I am the real deal! "Come Get Me!!!"


dano6332 56M

10/16/2005 1:56 pm

T, Vent all you want whenever you want


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
10/17/2005 12:32 am

dude..next mood swing.... 5 minutes

Im glad u do whatever u feel like with these durned blogs and whut u feel.

Its good to be...ME


anchcpl4fun 40M/44F

10/17/2005 12:45 am

*hugs*


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
10/17/2005 5:11 am

ditto to all the stuff everyone else said

except for that kissy huggy stuff


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


__Huntress__ 55M/58F

10/17/2005 7:18 pm

Ya know I luvs ya baby !!!!!


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