An Open Window...  

travelingintexas 41M
2/22/2006 11:55 am
An Open Window...

I have something to confess, I am stressed. Sitting here last night I realized this. For me, I am overwhelmingly stressed. I don’t handle stress well. Part of the whole A.D.D. thing is that when I start feeling beleaguered I shut down; from myself, from friends and from family. I feel I am fighting a colossal wall of fire in my life and all I have is a can of butane. I am stressed because I worry about my ex and the kids.

Not that I worry about my ex in a negative connotation, but I worry about her as someone I still care for and want the best for. I know in some ways she is relying on me to be able to care for our children and so I worry. I worry about my kids. Until I can finalize this job, I can’t get a house that I can bring them to and help them feel secure and give my ex a break.

I am stressed about the new job. Heck, I was even told before I went to Baltimore that I wouldn’t find out until later this week but I am impatient. Every moment that passes feels as if one more nail has been hammered into my coffin of defeat and in reality this is not the truth. My impatience in these matters is my worst enemy at times.

And I am just tired. I know this, heck, everyone knows this. I guess I am just the last one to see it and acknowledge it. So I push myself in many different ways emotionally until I can’t seem to go anymore. Residual “Please Everyone Syndrome” I suppose and then when I get burnt out and stop pleasing others I begin to falter. [blog Goddess1946] and [blog Saintlianna] both said something that resonated with me deeply last night. Damn forests and damn in between times. I realize that is where I find myself right now and that is ok in the light of day. I keep pushing for the end of the journey and forget the lessons are learned “during” the journey. So, thanks for reminding me of that Goddess and Saint. I seem to have somehow gotten ahead of myself.

I forced myself to chat with a few people last night, if even for just a few minutes. It did me a world of good. I was reminded of who I am in their eyes which reminded me of who I am in my own. I didn’t stay long because I was tired. However, I realized that in many ways, I am Trav.

A dear friend of mine described me as being “a hurricane in the room.” Honestly, I like that summation and feel less than myself when I bring nothing but mild gusts along with me. Perhaps these are bad metaphors on my part, but it is all I have. I like being the person of strength and when I can’t find my strength, I feel I let others down.

Has anyone seen the United Airlines commercial? It is a cartoon and the dad walks outside and sees his child’s tree swing, so he goes back inside, tucks his kid in bed again and the kid cracks his eyes open and sees dad going on a business trip. The child then begins to dream that his dad is riding a magical animal to a far distant shore where he sits at a “round table” discussing important things. Next a dragon comes and dad pulls his sword, busts the table into pieces and they, (business associates “knights” use pieces of the table as a shield. They fight the dragon, dad throws his sword and defeats the dragon and then he rides home on his magical animal to be with his children.

A badly drawn cartoon for United Airlines taught me what it is I am missing in my life. My kids need a hero, someone to look up to. My boys need a warrior and my daughter a Prince Charming. It is my responsibility to give them what they need. They need someone that they can dream about and I am not sure that I am living up to their dreams right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with a passion approaching the impossible, yet I know the example I currently set is not one that a child deserves. I don’t say this in poor pitiful me tones but instead one that is determined to give that example. They deserve it and, by god, I deserve it.

It goes back to the power of a dream, of a battle, of a battle for something. I have asked these questions before and receive mixed answers from the crowd. Normally, the women think the men don’t need a battle to fight and normally the men grunt and say “oh yes we do.” This is ok; it is the whole Mars and Venus thing. Ever wondered why Epic Fantasy is so popular as a book genre? Why Star Wars and Lord of the Rings bust records at the theatre? Something within us drives us to yank out our light sabers or our swords and attack the enemy at the heart of his base. It resonates deep within us as men, I believe.

I find that for the last 7 months I have spent my days training for that fight, for that battle. I was beaten down and defeated, yet here I was surrounded by friends and family that loved me back to health, taught me to see my potential and encouraged me to stand up and “be” Trav. Today, I find myself chaffing at my inability to leave the compound and “start” my “new life.” So what do I do? I sit around and pout and fantasize about the glorious victories I am going to have in the future, yet turn on my inner self because I do not have one today. Much like the soldiers of old awaiting the thaw for a new spring offensive, I am tired of waiting for “that” day.

Yet sitting here is part of the journey and part of that new life. It is where I am and to ignore it is ludicrous. So today I once more throw off those self imposed shackles and live with optimism the glorious adventure that is my life. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month but today. Have you ever put something in the microwave and stood there watching the time count down? Somewhere along the way, have you come to the realization that the 30 seconds or a minute you just stood there waiting for your popcorn or whatever you are heating, you will never get back. Try it. 30 seconds of wasted life, gone and possibly forgotten forever.

The question I have for myself is how long am I going to be content sitting in front of life’s microwave counting off the seconds until something happens? Am I really so unable to LIVE that I just sit and wait for something to happen? Or will I live now, this minute in this place. My choice? I choose life and all of its incumbent pitfalls and glories. Even here, in this small hotel room, life can be found and I choose again to live it.

southrnpeach333 50F

2/22/2006 12:18 pm

Yes, the Hero fights dragons. And you will always be your children's Hero. The dragon takes many forms but the Hero is constant. They see you in your battles with the different dragons. They know, they feel your committment. The dragon you are battling now is frustration. How does that saying go? We can't control what life brings us only our reaction to it. And if none of that chears you up then do what I do. I turn get in the shower and cry like a big giant baby. Those loud ugly cries. Then I go get my nails done. Hey, men can get manicure too. Don't knock it until you try it.

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
2/22/2006 12:32 pm

Take a deep breath, I'll take one too, just reading this made me tired. I can relate to this blog in so many ways. Just know this, the thing your kids need more than anything is to know that you love them. I think they know. : )

rm_ruby48323 71F
18 posts
2/22/2006 12:50 pm

Wise choice - life and living it. Those victories will be yours, I'm sure of it. Best of luck!

TabithaElectra79 37F

2/22/2006 1:59 pm

I am sure these feelings are 'normal' in their own right, we are complex beings, and it takes a mixture of happiness and sadness to create the whole.

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."

~ Gil Stern

want2play926 45F

2/22/2006 3:07 pm

I have some news for you Dear Trav.....your kids think you are are their that makes you a super man in their eyes. Kids just want their frills and thrills realy needed. Just sitting with them reading a book, playing ball, coloring, etc. That is what they want. Your attention.

As parents, I am one, I feel we tend to put added pressure on ourselves to make sure they have all they need. That is not abad thing. BUT, how is that saying, "the simple things in life" are what matter.

Trav, my mother is gone for 7 years now, and do you know what I remember? The times as a little girl sitting on our patio with her reading as she taught me my ABC's and 123s. Not the big battle and fights. Do not get me wrong, when needed, that little lady fought for us when she had to. And I know you would too no matter how far you could be in a 'funk'

Bottom line..your kids love you because you are Dad and the special things you bring to life. Things you show them, things you teach them. That is what matters.

You have alot right now that is uncertain. When you find things out, you will take the next step. That is just who you are. The waiting is the bitch of it all.

Hang in there Trav, you have a lot of people pulling for you.

vanna4u 38F

2/22/2006 3:24 pm

Even an airhead like me can see that you are doing more than you think you are. When my boyfriends make me watch those samma - rye movies, it always shows the warriors having a whole lot more time of waiting than actually doing. Maybe you should think about those eastern type warriors right now and know it's just not one of those swashbuckling moments right now.

You know, sometimes you remind me a awful lot of another blogger here. I forget her name but it's some older lady. Her posts are too long for me to finish reading, too.

barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
2/22/2006 3:47 pm

ambien trav ambien..get some sleep then go gem em

Its good to be...ME

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
2/22/2006 4:40 pm

The airhead has some good points. Beyond that, I get the warrior thing. That's why I suggested the walk. Action is action. Walking is a forward motion - physical as well as psychological. I can understand the frustration though. Sort of a sitting there in limbo kind of thing? Huh? (Where did I hear that?)

Just try not to unecessarily pull out any hair (you're a guy and not in his 20s anymore, so that needs to be conserved) and get the heck out of that room more often.

How long until you hear about the job? Heck, I don't know - go see if someone needs help ladling soup or get a trash bag and pick up trash in a park. Do you have a YMCA? Maybe they have free ways to let off steam.

Hey! Go see a movie. That's an iffy one. I'm one of those people who actually prefers to go to a movie alone, so that I can enjoy it in peace.

And then come back and vent to us some more. That's always ok. Always. No expiration date. No quota.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
2/22/2006 8:07 pm

I don't have much to say on this other than I like this disposition on you a lot better than the depressed one...

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
2/22/2006 8:55 pm is the road you are traveling that prepares you to be the knight in shining armor for your children. Let them know that you are there and you love them unconditionally. That is the best gift you can give them. My dad is my hero...and he is frail right now...but he will always be my hero. Now it is my job to make sure he remembers that. And I will do everything in my power to do that. I agree with Mzhuny....."When you get the chance to sit around or dance....DANCE!!!!" And you are dancing are dancing.

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
2/22/2006 9:42 pm

Wahine suggested a walk? Can your legs handle it again?

"I was reminded of who I am in their eyes which reminded me of who I am in my own."

You know Brat, if ever you need a reminder, all you have to do is ask me. Who are you in my eyes? Everything. When I say that I mean I see everything that makes up the man. The highs and lows, the ups and downs. It's all a part of you, my friend, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, if you were Mr. Cheerful all the time I'd just have to smack the shit out of you for being so annoying.

BTW, you ever find another reflecting pool and wanna take a walk, let me know. *snicker*

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

rm_cockmerollme 45F
1223 posts
2/22/2006 9:44 pm

I love that commercial...

You know, i found out that...oh, nevermind.


(Princess Lips)

2/22/2006 11:34 pm

one day

one night

one song

one post

one thought

at a time




JeersPilarSaver 35F

2/23/2006 3:11 am

i know u will choose the right decision. u will be everything u wanna be...and im sure ure kids will be so proud to have u as their dad. have u ever think that they might not need a hero? they might only need a dad. every second of our life is precious...thanks for letting me to read ure deepest feeling.
(hugsssssss u so tight)

kelly402005 52F

2/23/2006 7:51 am

One could only hope that my children's father's, {only 2}would feel like you do.......
I don't really think they give a damn!
I, "step up".... they don't have to worry...

YOU, are my hero today......


mm0206 68F
7767 posts
2/23/2006 2:19 pm


Give Time a chance...and trust in what you have been building.

Our lives are counted in days and weeks and years, not in minutes or hours.


whats4dessert2 49M

2/23/2006 5:40 pm

Trav, I know your post is a day or so old and I'd normally respond to something like this because it truly moved me. I stewed for a good chunk of last night and most of the day today. It made me think about a lot of shit in my own life.

I really think that it's presumptuous of me to put a link to my blog in yours as I think that I should be "earning my traffic" myself but your post did inspire this [post 247302] and I really don't want to have it lost. (in all seriousness, feel free to delete if you feel I'm glomming off of your traffic. I won't be the least bit offended by it)

I write my blog for me and for me alone although I do appreciate the replies that I get, I find that yours and a few other blogs sometimes get me thinking about a lot of stuff and inspire me to pour out some of my thinking in my blog. Ultimately, it's immensely cathartic for me and takes a lot of stress out of my own life.

At the end of the day, the fact that you care enough to stress about all the crap that's going on in your life, makes you a better person and a better father and a better friend than most people.

To get frustrated that things aren't necessarily progressing the way you would like or as quickly as you would like is entirely natural. The fact that you persavere despite that frustration says a lot about your strength of character.

For me to say "don't sweat it" would be patronizing and stupid because, the fact of the matter is you will sweat it. That's what makes you "you". The trick is to not let the stess paralyze you. Reach out to friends, go for a walk. Bottomline, like 1hot says, get moving. Get out. Do something, anything motion and action of any kind are theraputic. It won't solve your problems but it always begins with a first step.

All the best

slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
2/24/2006 12:28 am

Hey Trav... ya wanna hang out on IM and do stupid stuff on the cam? It'll make us laugh...and I don't know 'bout you...but I think maybe you could use some silly fun.. I know I could.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

fantasia_shares 47M/43F
4164 posts
2/24/2006 6:49 am

Ah, Trav...just get out...get some light and some air...walk for a pool or something. Don't just stay in your room with your head...

ADD people need exercise to "keep it together." Really we all do, no matter what is going on with us.

You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!

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