All in a day's time.  

topekatop2 59M
7 posts
5/18/2005 8:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

All in a day's time.

I find it amazing how my perspectives can change within a days' time. I was perceiving my life pretty clear this morning, but tonite, I feel so lonely and somewhat scared. 4 weeks ago I found out that I had 2 compression fractures in my neck. I started falling, and after a few weeks of that, I realized that something was terribly wrong with this normally fit man. Then the surgery on my spine came. I couldn't move my arms, or else my legs would tremble and shake uncontrollably. I was petrified. I've worked in the hospital industry long enough to know that no one ever completely heals from this type of problem. So after 3 weeks of rehabilitation, and going thru all the possible emotions, frustrations, and tears that were cut loose on me, I still find that I'm not healing at a normal pace.
The reason for this blog is that life deals you so many hands. One can go from feeling good about themselves, feeling sexual, attractive, having good outlook on the possibilities that life has to offer, to a feeling of ugliness, and having very little hope for what I would consider a normal future for myself. So, I find myself sitting at the computer a lot, looking at the beautiful people that are on their cameras, and feel too embarrassed and inadequate to fire mine up. I have a great sense of humor, I like to see the humor in some of the tests that life deals us.
But this has completely changed all that. Each day, I get on my cane, praying that I don't stumble, for fear that all of this will happen all over again, because now the opposite side of my body is painful, and is numb. My friends prayed and wished me well. I just wish there was a wand somewhere that will heal this shitty perspective I am now encountering.
It's so hard to go from day to day with a positive outlook, and say to myself when I get out of bed, "Is this all worth it"? And one would say, "It's worth it if you make it worth it". I taught aerobics for 10 years, and thought I was in pretty good shape, and all organs and vertebrae were in functioning order, and will be for the rest of my life. That philosophy doesn't hold much truth for me anymore. Makes me very sad.
During this time, I find it hard to leave the house for fear of this, fear of that.I guess the last 5 weeks have really done a number on my normally leveled head (with help from Concerta.
I wish I cold send a video to all that have gone thru this type if dilemma. Maybe then I can know that there is someone out there, willing to help me get back to the meaning of the word "love'
A song comes to mind...REO speedwagon.
"I wanna know what love is, I hope you can show me...I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me.
I read a book that desribes love as a chromosome at birth..and parents pick up on that love, and nurur it the best way they know how to.
Where is the love..the SELF LOVE, THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES OR WE CANNOT DEFEAT.
I guess that my chances of finding this, either wit a man or woman, are nil.
The pic is of myself and a true friend, and lover, my soulmate. Problem is, he on the other side of the state


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