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Desires, Honesty, and Changes
Desires, Honesty, and Changes
I have a little less than a month left on my paid membership. I'm thinking seriously about letting it lapse this time, or at least the next time. I’ll go back to being a standard member until I’m ready to jump in with both feet again.
With life getting back to normal, and with Spring here already, I won't have as much time to spend online. And to tell you the truth, it has been somewhat disappointing.
Yes, I have met some very wonderful people, and hopefully most of them will allow me to stay in contact as time goes by, but I know it won't last long. Everyone is looking for something, and as they find it, they will drift away from their interim acquaintances. It's only natural.
After reading this myself, I came to the realization that what I intended to say is not correct. What I wanted to say originally, follows in the next two paragraphs.
[Yet, I didn't find what I was looking for, exactly - probably because I didn't know what I was looking for. As I've said before, I know it when I see it, and I haven't seen it yet. Or, maybe I did see it, but it didn't see me.
However, I did learn a lot about myself. As time passed, I tried to refine what I thought I wanted, and I am getting closer now to knowing what it is. I am actually making changes in my own life to prepare for it when it happens. This experience has opened a lot of doors in both my own life, and in my marriage. Things will be different from now on.]
I left the above text as an example of my uncertainty as recently as three days ago, when I began writing this entry. To be more accurate, these paragraphs should read as follows:
[Yet, I didn't find what I was looking for, exactly ‒ not because I didn't know what I was looking for, but because I wasn’t certain that I was ready to handle what I was looking for. I think I have always known what I wanted, I was just afraid to make the leap. So I tried to take baby steps and not commit to anything serious. This may have cost me some serious contacts, and I know it cost me a lot of time.
However, I did learn a lot about myself. As time passed, I took more baby steps; moving ever closer to gaining the courage to face what I need and to ask for it. I am actually making changes in my life now that will allow me to pursue my desires. This experience has opened a lot of doors in my life, and has tested my marriage. Needless to say, things will be different from now on.]
You can see the changes reflected in my profile. I left the honesty part. That is the one constant in my life. I can't and won't lie to anyone. That doesn’t mean I ‘m going to open up and tell you everything though. I do regret that my wife will not share these changes with me, but we worked out the new rules together. Others may fault me for it, but I have to do what I have to do. I’ve suppressed my feelings and desires for enough years.
I think I will spend less time on this site through the next several months while I concentrate on meeting some of the acquaintances I made here and pursuing other avenues of making acquaintances. Maybe, in the mean time, some nice ladies will read my new profile and like it enough to send me an email. I will reply. I always reply.
3/23/2006 1:24 am
Live the real life!! Have fun because some people don't get spring |