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you can lick that anytime you want
you can lick that anytime you want
I am nearly done with this lame series on how much february sucks, but I can't disappoint my fans. This week in February is definitely a confusing one.
Eating Disorders Awareness Week
I find it completely ironic and a little bit sadistic for them to happen to be the same week. Who do you think was the sad person that said 'lets see if we can mess more people up.' It's literally giving me a head ache. Ouch. Although it does remind me of something I wanted to share with you all, and today seems like the perfect time to do so ....
THE TODDLER DIET
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat(the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast
with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor
and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat
one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any
flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
This diet sounds wonderful, and if all else fails, just pretend that you already have the thighs you want. Be happy with what you got, because that's what matters. If your partner doesn't like it, maybe you need a new one ...
PS Alka Seltzer was introduced on February 21, 1931 ... it all fits doesn't it?
2/27/2006 7:23 pm
this is the cutest post ever and it only took me a week to find it. |
I'd surely lose weight on this diet but it would wreak havok on all my luxurious suede posessions...like my disco pants and tap shoes
2/23/2006 2:53 pm
I heard that you also need to do the Toddler exercises also if you really want to go for that just out of the womb look...|
2 hours of high chair crying for the cardio portion
2-3 sets of shit squats
and 4-7 pukes on someone else's back (spotter necessary)
2/22/2006 3:54 pm
Thank you for the laughs.
Pancakes. Not just for breakfast any more. But an entire week?
Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
2/22/2006 12:26 am
_____Tipadee, you are in rare form. I think I mentioned I don't like abreviating words so...I was laughing my ass off all the way through that diet. I take it that you had your nephew for a few days. Sounds like he's more fun than me.|