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Holiday STD Quiz.
Holiday STD Quiz.
This is a quiz. D'oh. Anywhy, it is to help you determine which STD you will be starting the new year off with. This holiday season is going to be a rough one, and you will probably need a prescription. Just keep track of your answers and try not to cry.
1. Which is more tempting?
A. An ice cream sundae covered in whipped cream.
B. My main squeeze covered in whipped cream.
2. The celebrity you most idolize is:
A. Richard Simmons
B. Tammy Faye Bakker
3. After having sex, I usually
A. cuddle with the one I love.
B. fall asleep right away.
4. Your partner really likes to have their, uh, toes sucked. But you don't like to suck toes. You:
A. Refrain – that's nasty.
B. Suck their toes, knowing you can ask for a favor in return.
5. I'd rather not have:
A. sex then not have love.
B. an orgasm than not have foreplay.
6. What would you find in the top drawer of your dresser?
A. Old love letters, cards and novel for late-night reading
B. A black book with dozens of phone
numbers, condoms and handcuffs.
7. Best kisses:
A. Eyes closed.
B. Eyes open.
8. When you lick your lips, what you're really trying to say is:
A. I'm thirsty.
9. Do you know what libido is?
A. A rare bird found in Spain.
B. Sexual desire.
10. The best dates start with a good:
B. Make-out session.
If you answered mostly A's:
This naive and innocent persona is more trouble then it's worth. Not only was that not a cold sore, you will also learn that the only reason they're late is they're working on some technique. So now, you are left with a reminder, and hopefully you will have as much fun as the people in the Valtrex commercials.
Remember that you're not alone. Millions of people have herpes, including that bitch at Blockbuster.
Keep yourself healthy and limit your stress.
Don't touch your sores. Or lick.
If you answered mostly B's:
I'm sure that when your friends see that shirt you bought in Panama City ... the "I got crabs from Dirty Dicks", they'll all laugh. But we both know that all you can eat crab night at the Sizzler is definately out, and that the reason that you shaved had nothing to do with any of your partner's fantasies. Man, this sucks. However, you will always remember to grab a cleaner towel. Or ass.
The peduculosis pubis looks much like a crab with 3 claws and 4 legs
Some may find the 'crabs' not only in their pubic hair but also in eyebrows, eyelashes, their beard and entire body
Marilyn & Tanya's Crab Cakes:
1/2 tsp. garlic minced
1 tbsp. onion minced
1 tbsp. celery diced
2 tbsp. mayonnaise
1 whole egg
1/8 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. black pepper
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
1 tsp. Old Bay Seasoning
1/4 cup bread crumbs
1 pound lump crab meat
2 tbsp. oil for sautéing
1. In a large stainless-steel bowl, combine all ingredients except crab meat and bread crumbs.
2. Using gloved hands, gently mix in crab meat, then add bread crumbs.
3. Spread a thin layer of plain bread crumbs on your work surface.
4. Form crab mixture into equal balls, approximately two inches in diameter. Place on crumbs.
5. Gently flatten the ball of crab mixture and round the edges. Form cakes about one-half inch thick and three inches round. Refrigerate.
6. In a sauté pan, melt 2 tbsp. of oil until hot. Gently slide in crab cakes 2 at a time.
7. Brown on one side approximately two-to-three minutes. Turn and brown on the other side. Turn down heat to simmer and cook crab cakes another 5-8 minutes.
While you may be tempted to increase the amount of bread crumbs used, you’ll receive the best sauté results with the thin layer as described above.
Beverage suggestions: Pinot Grigio, light lager beer
If you have the same amount of A's and B's:
The good news is that this one is infact currable. Within 40 weeks, there will be no longer infect a soul. There is little chance it has one at all. Not directly. All it's damage has already taken place. However there are some long term side effects that will haunt you the rest of your life, that include nausea, dry mouth, diarrhea or constipation, sexual problems, deminished social life, dizziness, problems sleeping or drowsiness, weight gain, irritability/anxiety, sweating, household dysfunction, urinary retention, blurred vision, headache, inability to achieve an erection, inability to achieve orgasm (men and women), agitation, anxiety, increased use of narcotics and alcohol, and broke-ness (you'll never have a full wallet again).
Life will be different from this point. Some good, some bad, mostly bad, but you have no choice but to grin and bear it.
You'll have to deal with friends without children. Curse their happy, carefree hearts.
Most importantly, there is some good. Lets not forget about the future babysitters, soccer mom's and dad's, little league coaches, kindergarden teacher, PE teacher, boy scouts, first grade teacher, girl scouts, principals, lunch ladies, second grade teacher, music teachers, janitors, third grade teacher, soccor coach, fourth grade teacher,bus drivers, fifth grade teacher, basketball coach, sixth grade teachers, nurses, seventh grade teachers, eight grade teachers, baseball coach, ninth grade teachers, swimming coach, tenth grade teachers, eleventh grade teachers, guidance councler, twelveth grade teachers, team mates, study partners, best friends, homecoming dates, prom dates, co-workers at McDonalds .....
If all of those answers fit you:
Eh. Chlamydia (say "cla-mid-ee-ah") is a bacteria (germ) men and women catch by having sex with someone who is infected. Don't say you weren't warned. A chlamydial infection can cause many different health problems, including vaginal discharge, spotting, pain with sex, lower stomach aches, irregular periods, a burning feeling when urinating, a discharge from the penis and trouble getting pregnant. There is nothing funny about this. Having sex with more then one partner will get you this. That is why I am saving myself for marriage. There is nothing sweeter then giving that one person you vow to spend the rest of your life with that special gift. Abstinence is the only way.
If none of these answers fit you:
You probably have swelling in a knee, ankle or toe. Sometimes your heel or Achilles tendon will hurt. (The Achilles tendon is on the back of your ankle, right above your heel). You may feel pain or burning when you urinate. You could have a discharge from your penis or vagina. You also might have redness and burning in the white part of your eye. You may have eye pain or blurred vision. After talking to you and checking you, your doctor may do some tests to see if you have reactive arthritis. No one test can tell that you have the disease. Your doctor will put all the information together to decide if you have it. You may also need to be tested for STDs, since it's possible to have an STD without knowing it. Reactive arthritis is an uncommon disease that can make your joints hurt and swell. It can also cause rash, fever, weight loss, heart problems, red eyes, blurry vision and pain in the joints.
The good news is that in most people, reactive arthritis goes away in 3 to 4 months. In a few people, the joint pains come back again and again. These people might need a different medicine. That bad news, everyone you know will make fun of you for the rest of your life. This will probably put a damper on the masterbation as well...
Hope this is as informative as those sex talks in middle school with the lunch lady. We all know how much he/she knows.
11/3/2005 6:15 pm
hmmmm.I was hoping the itching was only keebler elves, but now I'm not sure. The contents of my dresser drawer explains a lot. Shit, so itchy!|
11/3/2005 11:39 am
now that was funny....|