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What a weekend!
What a weekend!
Well, first, it started off Friday evening with a bang. I was on my way home and got THE call. He had read my blog. Now, granted, I have not hidden this from him, but we have not been exactly communacative, so it isn't like I just came out and told him about it. He was, how shall I say it, displeased. I was not dishonest (yeah for me, considering my past), so in actuality it was a relief. He was angry because I had "slammed" him, which was not true. I explained that I needed a release and needed the friendships I have developed here. He didn't understand. But, I did stand my ground (another pat on the back thank you very much). And that was that.
We finished some shopping Saturday and were more civil than we had been in the past month. We actually almost enjoyed ourselves.
Sunday, I cooked all day. The whole nine yards. Dressing, ham, coconut pie, green bean casserole (like you can have Christmas without that), red velvet cake, corn casserole, yeast rolls-it was all homemade and really good. We were still on speaking terms and are you ready....he was actually trying to think about his tone and his words before he spoke. It was a good day.
Yesterday, more of the same-UNTIL he criticized an actu=ion I took (or somewhat didn't). He could have easily stepped ina nd made a decision, but chose instead to criticize me. I was not unkind, but instead of just taking it, I said something. He still just does not get it. It isn't about sex or money or being right or wrong. It's about love. I will tell you, I do love him. Sometimes, yes, I ask myself why, but I do. He seems to think that I went outside of the marriage (last time was 6 years ago) because he wasn't meeting my needs in bed. THAT is the part he will not try to comprehend-the problem wasn't in our bedroom. The problem was the fact that he doesn't tell me he loves me, he shows little affection and he doesn't seem to respect my opinion. When we chose to "start over" after te last time, we both worked hard. Then about a year or so ago, he started questioning everywhere I went and everything I did. He has chosen to mistrust me again after all this time back together.
I realize I cannot make him trust me and I knew from the beginning it was a long road. Bt here is my question to you guys-----
How long do you work to correct your mistakes? How much do you put up with, keep your mouth shut, let things go because you screwed up once upon a time? Because I am getting nauseous on this roller coaster and just want to ride the mery-go-round for a while and enjoy the scenery.
12/27/2005 10:55 am
must be something in the air - i got caught blogging yesterday too. i'll do a post on that when i've got it straight in my head...|
tigger darlin', that's a question you're gonna have to answer for yourself. only you know your situation.
having said that, my two cents worth: if he will not allow himself to trust you, regardless of how hard you try now, then the real question is, how long are you going to work at correcting a mistake that you made six years ago?
there comes a point in our lives when we have to live for ourselves, be true to ourselves, and if the people around us can't deal with that - then maybe we need to re-assess...
but either way, you're not alone. we're with you, honey.