Ramblings  

teaser2009 34F
149 posts
7/18/2006 4:05 am

Last Read:
7/18/2006 1:42 pm

Ramblings


How come I get to do EKG's on young women (think 20's) and never on the cute young guys?? Touching these chicks chests actually make me slightly uncomfortable only because I can tell they are uncomfortable. Never do 25 yr old men come in and need EKG's...no, they never need anythign that would require me to touch them in naughty places (hey, i'm going to nursing school, i can have fantasies too!!).

Why do i always have to see skanky old men penis'???? EEEEEWWWWW there is nothing cool about 70 yr old men needing me to help them use a urinal..nothing at all..it's gross, and weird...and just icky...gross...i can't get this mental image out of my head...arg

Why do I get soooo freakishly nervous around big groups of people i don't know, but intend on meeting? If it's just a big group of strangers that i'm not going to talk to, i'm totally fine..but if it's people that i'm supposed to interact with, uh not gonna happen. But talking to strangers? Noooo problem! There might be something wrong with me.

Also, why do i feel like people at work think i'm a joke? the reason i forget things is because the most i have to remember them for is like 5 minutes...whenever I attempt to act like a normal person with half a brain i get looked at like an alien..yes, i have a 4 year degree..yes I took freaking microbiology "for fun"..i'm a nerd!! i can't help it!! also, don't argue with me about biology related things i find intersting, I'm probably right!! At work though i think i come off as a complete ditz because it takes no thought on my part to do my job...smile and act nice and you'll get it done. And there are people there that think it's hard...hard physically yes (400 pound people always shit themselves when sick, it's just a fact of life...i have no idea, but it's gross....also so do old people....we need butt tubes like we have urinary cathetrs to catch it), mentally my job could probably be done by a monkey.

It's 6am and i think i should probably go to bed...don't really want to, but at the same time I do. I love my bed. It's so soft and comfy. It's my little safe haven away from everything. Only thing that makes me sad is the sweatshirt of paul's that's in bed with me. It's been a little over 10 months since he went away, and it isn't getting easier. Mom said it's because i'm finally accepting it and it isn't like i can see a light at the end of the tunnel..i think it's because I can't see the light anymore, much less that i'm in the damn tunnel....Bad things shouldn't happen to good people...people at my work have no idea who I really am, only who i let them see, becuase who i really am sometimes scares me. Not in a bad way, just that I've been hurt so much i'm afraid i'll rub off on their innocence and take some of that away...a 23 yr old widow? yeah right they'd say, but I have the scars on my heart to prove it. I have the memories on my wall that show i'm singulary alone...i have the eyes of a woman who loved and lost and fears never loving again.

yet I will crawl into my bed and forget my monkey like job at work..the creepy old men and bitchy young girls, and think about me and only me..and how i like to cover my eyes with his shirt, how i still spray his cologne on it, and it brings out his smell again, and how I dream of him and hope to never wake up, but i always do, and i'm always sad.

No i'm not sad on the outside, just the inside....my sadness isn't shared with just everyone (even though i'mtyping it here..i doubt anyone will make it this far), my sadness is my own that seperates me from most people, and that's fine. One day almost everyone will feel this pain and say "oh now i know what she was talking about"..but i hope that doesn't come until a lifetime has passed and there are others there to care for you...i wish this on no one, and I take it all in myself.

So i am crawling into bed...forgetting the night and sleeping for the day, only to do it again tonight....

And someone should take my computer away from me when i get home..i type these things without reading them, and i probably never will.....but it feels better to get it out..now it's everyones to read and feel and share.

love you!
nikki

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
7/18/2006 5:28 am

I totally know how you feel Nikki. My sadness is on the inside most of the time too. And I don't wish it on anyone else either. Sleep well.


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