Judgment from on High.....  

tattooedartist 44M
459 posts
6/16/2005 7:39 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Judgment from on High.....

Ya know it is not too often I come out of my little world to reality and prance about mixing with the trivialties of our modern times and its concerns but every once in a while I get a smack and whats a guy to do....ignore it?

SO.............this is for you Mont.

All of my life I have faced judgements of all kinds. It began when I was very young for lots of reasons I will not go into now but let me just say....I grew up in a small town and went to a catholic school, had several brothers and sisters and a mother who was a Belly dancing......peace, love and happiness lesbian and everybody knew it. Dont ask me how I ended up in such an odd set of circumstances becuase God only knows, Ive asked my mother and she just laughs.

I was my mothers lovechild and I was always hanging her and her "girls". I grew up always having long hair and having it braided by my mother and her friends (everone told my mom she should have had all girls but she would just laugh and smile) painting my mothers nails and of course she loved to paint my toe nails. Lets just say, my mother was not equiped to raise boys. So I recieved alot of judgement because of her and the way she raised me in our small redneck town but I didnt care, I loved her, even in her most difficult times (and ther were many) I loved her terribly. I can remember the hours of her reading me poetry and books, how the house looked as it was always lite by candles. The music of beethoven, bach, handel and mozart that always filled the walls of our humble home and of course many other beautiful things. She was a true beauty.

Just before my early teens we faced some unfortunate set of circumstances and in the end of a two year battle, I was taken away from my mother and placed in foster care. Which I would be in for four years and some 14 different homes and foster families. I was odd, I still painted my toe nails and refused to cut my hair and many other thigns that most young boys do not do. I was raised a Gypsy and it was hard for the world to understnad. So how did they react? They judged me and of course set out to straighten me out.....right MONT?

I refused to bend and refused to give up what little I have left of my mother and my uprbinging. she was odd and different but beautiful and powerful. She lived her spirit free and refused to be set into any standard by the world around. It was her power and in the end, she empowered me with the same reckless love of life and my own individuality.

I wont go any more into what would be a boring story but eventually I ended up in even more odd circumstances but with a beautiful family who accepted me just as I was (mostly) and lived out my teenage years on the complete other end of the spectrum.

All my life I have lived by the rules of my heart and followed where my soul and my maker leads me. Now I am heavily tattooed and I get judged all the time by all sorts of people. I have found judgement almsot everywhere I look and I always do all i can to open the eyes of those around me. Life is too short to live ina box and there is too much to discover and love to never live beyond yoruself......how would you grow and learn? How would you truly ever experience what life has to offer you if you will not open your eyes to see and understand what you do not know? There could be a entire world of beauty lying just beyond your grasp and until you open your eyes enough and tender your heart enough to see and accept, you will never see it.

To pass judgement on someone is wrong in any case, yet to do it with such little knowledge one someone as you can find on this site is almost criminal. Even if you do not accept me as I am or understand me you must realize it IS who I am and it is the differences in us all that make the beauties of this world that we all enjoy.

Could I love a man? Yes and I do, several.....terribly!! Could I fall in love with a man and be with one sexually? I mean, stranger things have happened but I can tell you that it would be the biggest suprise ive had for a long, long time. I dont get turned on looking at men, I just see the man who stands before me. Could I admit when a man is beautiful? I do all the time, as well as houses, cars, trees, paintings and art.....etc, etc.

So I think the real question here my friend is this.......not am I gay or am I not gay? The questions here I think is, what is it about a man who does what he can to live outside the modern ego that bothers some men so much and even women? What does that say about me? What does that say about the culture we live in today and the strains it puts on us all to CONFORM??????????????

BUT the bigger question my dear friend MONT.........What does that say about you? Is there something lingering inside you that because of guilt, because of restraint or because of fear you are hiding from? Because what you recognized in me, usually tells me alot about what a person sees. We can only see what we understand and we can only understand what we see in ourselves. I mean, thats what an artist is in the first place.......someone who goes around recognizing and reciprocating his reflection that he sees in other things....

IS there something you want or need to talk about? If there is, please do not feel I am attacking you or get angry....I am here for you to talk to ANYTIME.....and I can promise you one thing, I wont judge you...EVER.

I still paint my toenails all the time....black. I still sing and dance in my house when Im alone and there will never come a day, when i will forget where I came from, the beauty of the gifts of my burdens and my blessings and the man I am asked to be by my maker, my character and the beautiful life I have experienced.

I am sorry you needed to put me in a box my timid friend, I will not be so defined by anyone or anything. I am on the journey to discover myself and the life that lay before me.....whatever that may bring I am ready and thankful. Try it sometime, I think you'll find a whole new world.

With my love and a big smile (man to man)

J


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
6/16/2005 10:35 am

Man, J.... You put up a good point.....I hope that this MONT will hear more of you. Learned a lot about you from this blog. I hope that you will continue being open and candor in your future blogs. It is definately an interesting side of you.....


tattooedartist 44M

6/16/2005 5:46 pm

Forget it MONT, it went right by you.....maybe someday.

J


XXjuliettaXX 42F

6/16/2005 6:04 pm

wow, i must say your blogs are wonderful. ive been on here reading for over an hour. very capturing and provocative. it is nice to see a man have the strength to reveal himself like this, it is touching. i would love to get to know more about you, maybe sit for some of your art? chow


pussnboots694 73M/78F

6/16/2005 6:42 pm

Dare to be different and you reach the greatest riches in the world,
the ability to be open about it..priceless there is no greater fortune then that..
Sweet kisses to you


tattooedartist 44M

6/17/2005 3:47 am

MONT.....this is the last time I am going to respond to you like this. So listen and listen well.

The smack.....has alot more to do with me than you, so dont please dont worry your pretty lil head about it, ok? The black toe nails (whether you like it or not) comes both from my mother who i love terribly and from a friend who passed away while I was in college. She used to paint my toenails black sometimes. So, now sometimes when the mood strikes me, I paint mine black and think of her. I enjoy it adn if she was still here, she would too.

I appreciate your cander and in fact, youve made me think alot about my sexuality and thats always a good thing. I guess I should thank you for that but you anger and your tone are offending and do not suite someone who obviously has a strong opinion and mind. I was simply trying to show you that maybe you should use that strong mind to ask the right questions before coming to any preconceived conclusion about a situation or a person. In the long run, I think you'll find it suits you better and goes a long way towards opening doors for you, rather than closing them.

Have a wonderful day. Maybe you should sit back, get out the black nail polish and paint your nails and think of me, you never know.

J


tattooedartist 44M

6/17/2005 3:54 am

Thank you Tx, it means alot to me. Puss...two steps ahead, as always!!! LOL and i love ya for it.

Juliet.....Beautiful. I am very glad you enjoy my writing. You should blog, you would enjoy it and it would add alot to your life. As for sitting for a painting, I might be interested depending on time, schedule, etc. Email me and explain what your interests are and experience.

with peace and love

J


GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
6/17/2005 8:30 am

Very well said ....



why do we always get in trouble when we don't fit into the boxes others have created for us .... who leaned/told you to think in boxes?


XXjuliettaXX 42F

6/17/2005 8:43 am

biatch!!! lol might be interested? lol dont make me come down the hall and kick your ass!!!


rm_bella_ 47F
4030 posts
7/14/2005 6:36 pm

J...you have right, we all are expected to follow to rules, conformities of those around us even though we are all different. I have been judged for different reasons but in the end judgement is judgement. I love who you are and the more I read the more I can appreciate every aspect of yourself that you are willing to reveal.


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