I was shocked....  

tattooedartist 44M
459 posts
7/30/2005 5:01 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I was shocked....

The afternoon had been beautiful. I spent some time working in my garden and still fussing over putting finishing touches on my new home. A few wet canvases are hanging to dry and my cello was calling me. I knew a bit later I would pop open a nice bottle of red wine and spend some time in the gentle hands of my cello as it seduced me with its voice.

I came in and took a long bath, was so relaxed and had thrown on some evening pants and was settling in. I put on some Handel and decided I would check my mail befor edancing with my old friend.

As I tuned into my blog and was reading some comments that had been posted I saw a familiar face, a face of a friend. I smiled and began to read what she had written me. Her words were beautiful and that she calls me her Louie is more seductive than she realizes. It made me happy and serene. Then I read her question, the question and longing that she beckoned upon me in one sentence was breathtaking. I was shocked and stunned by how much this question affected me.

She asked "Does your Neverland ever get lonely?"

I sat there mute.....I smiled. I laughed, I was out of breathe.

Then the tears came, soft and slow at first. I opened up my journal and began to write. I could feel the wings of inspiration taking hold of me. I wrote and I wrote in my journal for almost two hours. Tears gently flowing down my soft cheeks the entire time, even though there was a smile upon my face. They were tears of recognition. They were tears that said "Yes, my darling......It does."

I have lots of friends. Those who depend on me, somewhat like a mother hen to guide and protect them. To listen and console. Over the years this has become such a joy for me and hopefully a help to all those I love and care for. They come to my home and I feed them, I listen and I hold them and do all I can to be a comfort in their time of need. I envelope them against my chest and wrap them in my strong, gentle arms......to remind them that this world is still a place of love, if they will dare to grasp it....to demand its beauty be realized.

There is also my daughter whom I adore so much that sometimes I know I cannot hold her tight enough, smile at her big enough, sing to and rock her often enough. She is my heart and my soul. She is my promise and my future....a gift that God placed into my care to guide and love, to cherish and protect, to appreciate and discover. I simply, abosolutely, positively........adore each breathe she takes, each flaw I discover.

There is also a man who I love and adore. A friend, a companion, a mentor......my Marius, for those of you who know what that means. A guiding, gentle hand who gives much more than he ever takes. A teacher, who has also been a lover, once upon a time. Although I am sure few would realize the weight and gravity of the effect he has had on my life and on moulding me into the man I am today. In the end, if I become anything of what I dream and hope to be, it will be by the grace of my Father, God Almighty and because of the hands and my Marius' strong character.

Many webbs have been weaved in the holds of my darkness and with their joy, in they bring the light. I savor them and protect them, as if their are my very breathe I need and seek.

Yet, you are correct my dear one, Neverland is a vast and lonely place. The holds of my serenity are vast and wide. The reach of the hands of fate are strong and clear.

I long for closeness with a special one, as I have onced shared. The depth and passion I knew in the arms of my Angel. The quiet perfection in being known so completely and perfectly. The divine gift of having that gentle swoon of a woman in my arms. That perfect union, that insatiable gift that can only come from the grace of a womans hands. To have someone call forth the strength of my manhood. The galiant, tall warrior that lives within. TO be entwined in the lovers dance, to dance accross the floors of my palace. To sip wine by the firelight and read stories of long, forgotten lands.

I miss......being in love.

I have pulled back though, into the holds of my darkness and I lose myself in the memories of what once was. I grip tightly to the pictures, the little movies that play inside my mind. Reminding me of my heart and the beautiful place that once lived within. I stand in the shadows of a love I once knew and hold strong to the promise of what could be. Few know the depths of the vast holds of my heart, they would just not comprehend. I detest the modern world and at the same time I am seduced by it. I am appauled at the state of what I see and hear but am locked into the promise of what it could be....possibly. The lies I so terribly want to believe are true. A foolish heart I am, yet clear and deft in my vision. I long to be seduced, to be seen and understood but to be honest, Ive given it up long ago. Traded my dream for the gifts I described above.

I must be the strong one, as is my cross to bare. I must be the rock that those I love can bend and bash against. The calm piece of serenity is a dark and distant world. As I watch all those that are dear to my heart come and go, growing in leaps and bounds. They do not realize it now but one day what I am to them will become the guide that leads their hands in the lives of those they love and care for. I get small glimses of that now, now and again and when I do the satisfaction is almost more than I can bare. To be given the gift of watching them become the beautiful creatures that they are, to watch them like a gentle mother from the sidelines of their lives....in shear pride and joy as they grow and enfold the beauty they are.

I still dream of love though. I still dream of romance beyond measure. I still dream of that sipid and symphonic perfection that comes from the woes of such a love.

Ive vowed my love, Ive vowed my devotion and I am content with the gift of this life, that my Father has given me. Whether dreamed or embraced I will hold on to my fantasy. I will live my days in the devotion to those I care for, whom I need and cherish as much as they do me. I am thankful, I am honored, I am grateful for each perfect moment that shines its shadow upon the floor of my heart.

Inside I will dream, my writings have become my vault and my wings.

Yes dear one, Neverland does get lonely. Yet, in its loneliness it is the perfection most could only dream of. I accept the gifts I am given with a humble heart, regardless of the needs that live within I will bow in servitude, to my God, to the life He has given me and to the reflections of His will.

If I am ever graced with such a gift again, it will be His will and I will savor each and every moment of its perfection with all the power of my heart and soul.

Til then I submit. TIl then I subdue. I call out and cry in my longing....for whoever that will hear it. I stand corrected by a God that loves me more than I can ever imagine and a life that I wouldnt trade for anything.

My next post will be of my Marius. Beautiful, complex and perfect.

A humble servant....I scream in silence.



papyrina 51F
21133 posts
7/30/2005 7:13 am

what a lovely well written blog

I'm a

i'm here to stay

pussnboots694 73M/78F

7/30/2005 4:25 pm

As the twinkiling light shines down upon your soul..
Your tears rain out to the ground..
You are loved more deeply then you know..
Touching the heart strings of many..
I so wish I could hold you within my arms..
Take away your pain..

In your last post you said..
"still single at 33 and having no plans or desires to change that"
My adoring muse..
Let yourself love again..
Open your heart..
The love lives on inside of you..
You sweep such essence into the soul..

I love deeply anyone who allows me the pleasure of touching their soul..you have touched mine as deeply as I have touched yours..
God gave me a second chance when he let me live..
In silence you scream
Can you hear my cry's
Life never stops swirling..
You are beautiful gift from god..
Who could not love such beauty..
Reach through..
Touch my reflection..
Feel the longing..
I give you all that I have inside
To open your heart..
See what is before you..
Walk from the shadows..
And know I walk with you..

CuriousKitty675 41F
365 posts
8/1/2005 6:50 am

No..not Louis..Amadeo. You write in his voice, in his soulful expression. Marius is a perfect analogy. You feel loss so deeply because you feel love so deeply. A double edged sword to be sure but better than being bitter or worse, numb. Keep faith Dear Amadeo.

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