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What do you say to a woman in this situation ....?
What do you say to a woman in this situation ....?
I find myself having IM conversations with women off AdultFriendFinder where I am not expressly looking to meet but as a matter exploring the nature of sexual relations between men and women. From time to time, these convserations leave me bewildered as to the behaviour of men. Below is a situation related to me by a woman I will refer to as FEM01. For some reason, it bothers after all this time, that I had so little to say. After this communication, attempts to follow-up were not answered. I have chosen to bring this to light in a blog for two reasons. I would sincerely like to know what women may have had to say, were this say your girlfriend confiding in you. At the same time, I hope the men can see through the eyes of a woman what some of the issues they face and how trapped they can feel when confronted with an insidious wall of silence from a man who has publicly avowed his love for her. Though this took place some time earlier this year, it disturbs me that my response was somehow inadequate.
FEM01: the exploring is a part of me that I have alot of curiosity that hasnt been addressed. A lot of areas in my life that I'm naive about that a woman my age I guess you could say shouldn't be. But when I meet someone new I'm shy and unless I have a little alcohol in me then I'm not going to talk. On here it's easy cause we're not face to face but in another situation being out if you said something to me I'd reply back but that's it unless you kept the conversation going.
ME: I take it then that is your motivation for AdultFriendFinder?
FEM01: yes and no ... one thing I am not is a secure person when it comes to me. I have always been insecure. Well I found out that my husband has been chatting that I know of not sure of meeting other women ... it's made me feel really inadequate. I see what these women say and what he responds and it makes me feel like that's what he wants ... someone experienced when I'm not. If he didn't want that then he would be talking to these other women or saying the things he is to them. And the fact that he doesn't seem to want to "try" anything new with me. Yes I'm very naive when it comes to sex.
I can't help that. I have never had a one night stand, been with only 4 men including my husband, done only 4 sexual positions, never masturbated, never used toys, never gave oral or received until 6 yrs ago. So that should tell you something there. I'm not on here for revenge that's not me. But I want to know what is so fascinating about the things that are said. I want to be able to feel what these women are saying they feel. I've been honest about everything and sometimes it makes me feel like a child cause I'm not experienced... does that make sense?
ME: ... yes you make sense ... you are certainly not alone ... a matter to which I hold inept men responsible.
FEM01: You say I'm not alone yet I guess the ones of us that are this way feel like we are alone. How many women at 34 have to bet taught how to treat and pleasure a man sexual the way he wants?
ME: As to your husband ... if he is only talking ... then he may be just that .. ALL TALK ... most men are ... requires a certain sexual confidence for a man to act out his fantasies .. and men fantasize all the time ... its enough for many of them to experience the excitement of the possibility of something taking place.
FEM01: Well I know about the chatting for sure. I'm still looking into the meeting. I guess what hurts is that I when I found out he joined AdultFriendFinder it was exactly 16 days before we got married. That's what really stings and I've let it go until now ... cause I know after talking to him about it he's still getting on there ... it makes me feel inadequate like I can't please him or I'm not enough and then it doesn't help when he doesn't touch me anyhow.
ME: Ah, I see ... may I ask how long you have been married?
FEM01: 2 yrs ... and the sex altogether stopped 4 months ago. We resaid our vows in april hoping it would bring us closer together but that's kinda hard without the sex.
ME: then I see your concern ... it would have been one thing to go online, experience titillation only to turn that energy on you ... but this suggests he is directing that attention elsewhere ... sorry to blunt but the LAST THING to think is this is your fault.
FEM01: I guess I see it as he's tired of being the "dominate one or the teacher" and he wants someone else to do that and I'm not even sure where to start. I see some of it as my fault cause I don't seem to know exactly what to do to please him.
ME: when you say dominate or teacher ... is this how he has put it to you ... that he is tired of it .... it seems to me if you have expressed an interest in pleasing him, and clearly you have, it should be a simple matter to direct you ... unless he does not know himself.
FEM01: he hasn't said he's tired of it but just little comments here and there about dominating or teaching. He's the one that has shown me that's it ok explore my body as he's giving me oral and in doing so it makes me want more. Before that if a man gave me oral I laid there literally ... but now the thought of him making love to me or giving me oral has me so aroused that I want to touch and feel. I want to while he's doing that to me. I want to feel him inside and out doing those things to me and it makes my body crave more. That the last time I told him I wanted more ... so much more and even though he's not making love to me now or giving oral I still want that. I still crave it. I've tried to start things between us and giving him oral but he stops me and tells me he's too tired. So what else am I to think?
ME: He may be just be too tired ... or even something longer term ... a number of years ago, I went through a 2 year period of reduced libido ... and sex was far from my mind. Before and since I masturbate 2 times a day ... more on occasion. Why that took place remains a mystery to me. If he says he's tired ... one response to try is alleviating that sensation through simple massage. It may even lead to something more ... a good deal of a man's sex drive is tied to blood circulation.
FEM01: I've tried that. I do massage him all over and I can tell he gets aroused but when I try to take that massage further he stops me all together. I can see that he's aroused, very aroused yet he stops me. If anyone should have a weak libido it should be me ... he's 2 yrs younger than me.
ME: ... it may be partly that (I don't mean to sound as though I am defending him ... merely bringing up possibilities)... but as you say he still gets aroused .... not sure I have any answers for you as regards him at least.
FEM01: no it doesn't sound like you're defending him. You're a man so if anyone would know what most men feel it's another man.
Oh I know he still gets aroused that's why I say it's me ... and that I think he's seeing someone else or contemplating it if he hasn't.
ME: well for what its worth you have opened up to a stranger regarding most intimate details ... that tells me if not fully physically liberated as yet ... you are mentally prepared to take that path ... what man would not desire that ... I cannot fathom.
FEM01: I couldn't tell you. It's kinda hard to talk to him about sex. It's almost like talking about it would be tabboo. But then some of the things I'd like to try I don't even know how to broach that subject.
ME: do you feel he is limited in imagination then ...
FEM01: no I don't cause when we first met I had asked if he has tried certain things and I know he's tried these before so it's not that. I'm just not sure how to say it without it sound vulgar. It's not things you would normally say on a day to day basis.
ME: true ... have you thought of writing these thoughts out ... in a storyline .. describing a scene wherein you are the actress ... once the act has been put to words however vulgar they may first come to ... then later look at it with an eye to substituting the words.
FEM01: actually no I haven't. That's a thought. I just might have to do that. Then see what happens.
ME: When I write erotica I can be as raunchy as the next person ... but for me finding the sensuality in sex is far more rewarding ... not hard really if one takes the sexual act and break it down in the minutiae ... describe what is going on at the level of the skin and in one's mind ...
FEM01: well I will have to do that. You've given me some thought.
9/24/2005 8:27 pm
I AGREE with janisux and want to add that there are tons of books she can buy that will make it so much easier for them to have this conversation: pictures, advice, games, exercises...|
ALSO, she may want to just get off and masturbate right in front of him. Screw it, if he's not going to give it to you - it's your bed too. Show him what he's missing and see if that passes the teacher/student test.
BUT MORE SERIOUSLY:
Sad. Your friend has two relationships to consider. Her relationship with herself, and her relationship with her husband. When we don't "talk" to ourselves, it's not easy for us to talk to others either, and it sounds like the communication here is already really pretty bad. She doesn't even recognise the problem. She's on the site to spy on him. How about that?
It's easy to make the problem look and feel like it's all about sex, but really, c'mon. It isn't. Say to your friend, "Hello, have a conversation with your husband OUT of bed about what's happening/not happening IN bed and WHY." Your friend's problem isn't about sex, it's about communication. How can you encourage her supportively to approch this big scary hurdle?
I think the best thing you can do is help your friend realise that something IS happening now, while it may seem like nothing is, and that she has plenty of power that she is afraid to use...in bed and out.
9/24/2005 12:15 pm
If she were my friend... I'd wonder if he felt 'weirded out' by her making the moves, instead of him since that was the norm.. You see how many guys are excited by virgins and first-timers and how they'd love to be the one showing some little lady what to do, how to do it, and exactly how he likes it done. He could have just been thrown by her taking the initiative (like trying to take the massage further), instead of waiting on him to do so since he was turned on.. but wait there's more.. (I'm not saying that it's her fault- nope not saying that)|
Like saddletramp says, sometimes we do lack sexual confidence and we fear that everything we're doing is wrong.. I'll admit.. I've been there. For the longest time, I wouldn't initiate any of the firsts in a relationship, the first time we touched,had sex,made love, or even first kiss, I would always be waiting on his time, which was highly frustrating, believe me.. lol
I also agree with hotwahine that we don't really communicate the way we should. We can talk more freely behind a computer where no one can see our blushes than we sometimes can talk to our mates. It's sucks, and is sad but true. In those cases, I live by the 'look both ways and then jump' theory. I take a deep breath and spill.. and then wait for the fallout, it's never what I imagined and usually a good thing that I shared. I hate to equate this with this analogy but it's like being nauseated. You feel sick, feel sick, feel sick, then everything comes out (or comes up and out) and dammit don't you feel better.. at least after a gargle and a shower.. lol
Soo.. 'FEM01' wherever you may be... it takes two to tango, get to know your body more, masturbate and have fun without his ass, and more importantly, sit him down and just tell him everything. Yes it'll be hard as hell to say all that embarrassing stuff, but it's a load off your back once you've spilled. And it'll give him the opportunity to tell you what his deal is too.
Or if it's really that mortifying try this.. sit him down and say something like, "________ we really need to talk... I have been wanting to try something new..." and then hand him a list with the positions, or freaky stuff that you're just to embarrassed to say. And maybe that'll open the lines of communication.
Enjoy this ride of life, it's the only one you'll get..
PS - tamethytension.. sorry for such a long post.. but I had a lot to say..
9/23/2005 10:56 pm
I am always amazed at how little we humans talk to each other. It is easier them to tell these things to others (her to you, his chatting) than it is to tell each other. Why is that?|
Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
9/23/2005 9:17 pm
If she was my friend I would advise her to buy a good vibrator and to explore and get in touch with her own sexuality and what she enjoys without a man to make her feel inadequate..I think she is lacking in sexual confidence|