Yearning Woman  

sweetalyssum 47F
560 posts
10/27/2005 5:43 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Yearning Woman

There is that bone tired weariness that settles on me...

But this afternoon, I picked my children up from school and played my music loudly to aggravate and embarrass them, and to tease them a bit -- Watching my son's grin from ear to ear and his adolescent humor escaping in mad bursts, seeing my daughter's younger but more mature disdainful amusement in the both of us.

Coming back to check homework assignments, start a load of laundry, and check the roasted vegetables that I forgot in the oven and they are starting to smoke and the fire alarm's gone off, with my daughter yelling, "I'll take care of it, Mom!!! Why do you always have set off the fire alarm, Mom?!"

I yell back, "I don't always set off the fire alarm!" As I drag the pan out of the smoking oven and wince at the once beautifully carmelized onions that were smelling so good only a few moments before. Rolling my eyes at myself, I dump the charred onions in the trash and thank the stars that the eggplant and red peppers were caught in time to be just perfectly roasted to bring out the sweetness of the vegetables.

I put the pan in the sink to fill with hot water and set it aside to soak. Answering the phone, it's my girlfriend from Georgia who's asking if I've called our other mutual friend to see how she's doing after chemo. I promise to do that and get back to her and we exchange the chat of moms.

And yet...I don't share the struggles I long to share.

I don't share that the marriage is long missing the spark and flavor that should have been there. Don't share that my committment to this family that I so deeply love tears me up when I long for lust, passion, and the need of romance.

And perhaps she doesn't share those same thoughts with me either. Perhaps, she is at the other side of the computer writing on her blog somewhere and I'll never know that under my friend, under the mom, is a woman who yearns.

Because above all else, "discretion is a must."

rm_magnet4u22 49F
18406 posts
10/27/2005 6:32 pm

Been there....Ah, yes, discretion is a must. We have to keep that longing for lust, passion and the need for intimacy and romance to ourselves..... Who can we tell, who will understand? My friend, you can tell me....I understand only too well.


PRloba 46F
1 post
10/27/2005 6:41 pm

Your writing is just so vivid.....I can understand the the longing for somethign else...trying to keep a marriage was something I once tried, but the love died and so did the marriage....

what is it you are yearning for? we all yearn for something in our lives, some more than others...discretion is such a cloud of mystery..but if it is a must then the mystery must be kept just that, a a good magician keeping his secrets...

Hoping you find what you yearn.....

rm_raisipsa 58M
11 posts
10/27/2005 11:25 pm

Many of your blog readers can relate to this one sweet. I believe you captured the feeling, the dichotomy, the constant struggle and the never ending search to recapture that passion once felt but now lost, beautifully.

It is a shame that there are feelings and emotions we can't readily or safely share with even those closest to us.

Nicely done.

redmustang91 57M  
8604 posts
10/28/2005 9:00 am

I have come to accept that human nature just longs for variety, so stop beating yourself for wanting to do what comes naturally, and just get laid!

gemini0157 59M  
6842 posts
10/28/2005 11:52 am

And I am not so sure you sould share those thoughts with that sort of friend. I confided in a longtime friend once on this subject and I really wish I hadn't. Discretion my dear... use it and use it wisely. Sometimes we should just suffer in silence. I know confiding in this arena is not the same is it?... as in a tangeable friend..... a sister or parent. Anway, I sense the kind of person you are. I know what you are feeling and your options regarding this issue aren't good. It's tough.... really tough.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/28/2005 7:48 pm

Yes, Mags thank you...I may take you up on your offer to share one day.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/28/2005 7:54 pm

PRloba - I long for life to be as hectic as it is with family, schedules, life, and someone to love by my side laughing, but having those momentary glances that slice the air with the sizzle of lust.

Knowing that same man will curl up on the sofa with me, grumble at having to watch a chick flick, but run his fingers through my hair, and that I will in turn put up with his horrid action movies with terrible acting.

Mystery becomes a best friend through this whole process. Thanks for your thoughts.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/28/2005 7:56 pm

Red, the whining was a momentary lapse. I'm all better now. Thank you terribly for the smack into reality, I was wallowing a bit.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/28/2005 8:01 pm

Gem, truly unless I was sharing with another woman here in this medium, I'm not tempted at all to spill my guts to other women.

Silence is a golden treasure that must be cultivated discreetly.

And truly sharing here...made me give a sigh last night and my shoulders rolled more easily.

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
10/29/2005 6:47 am

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness." Ghandi

Sweet You describe the dilemma that face many and few are willing to seek a resolution. I wish you peace in the pursuit, pleasure in an acceptable answer, and lustful glee in satisfying needs.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/29/2005 7:10 pm

Ravyn, thank you for your heartfelt wishes and comfort.

Glad you are back to writing again.

Hope your trip was a good one.

redmustang91 57M  
8604 posts
10/31/2005 8:59 am

I have been reluctantly realizing that sometimes one's mate cannot be all things I wish her to be. And I cannot be all things she wishes me to be. That is the human condition I fear. Now someone like Angelina Jolie can just shed a used up spouse and move on, but many of us mere mortals do not have these same options.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/31/2005 3:58 pm


Yes, it's a shame that we hide a part of ourselves because of needs not met or frustrations of life.

It is balancing it all that makes life interesting is it not? And finding the passion creates those moments and situations that create longings of a different type - where everything gets questioned. I'm glad you saw my intent.

sweetalyssum 47F

10/31/2005 4:00 pm

Red, yes...welcome to the existence of mere mortals. It's not always comfortable,'s interesting.

sensualizeunow 60M
1 post
11/6/2005 3:47 am

It is such a fundemental part of our being - that intimacy - that needing to be touched and thus honored in a way words could never fulfill. And we try to get by it, live without it, concede to the feelings of inadequacy and guilt. And then that fire takes hold and is quenched by the simplest act of embrace, skin on skin, lips on lips.
To be human is so trying. To be human is wrenchingly poetic.


sweetalyssum 47F

11/7/2005 8:39 pm

Akadafa - mixed blessings always run the risk of being "interesting". Mortal/comfort...what a contrast.

Sensualizenow...what a beautiful way to put it. "Wrenchingly poetic."

redmustang91 57M  
8604 posts
11/9/2005 9:16 am

The Chinese have a line/curse I like: May you live in interesting times!

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