Bye Bye Pappa. I love you!!  

sunshinekzn 57F
1054 posts
7/18/2006 11:41 pm

Last Read:
7/21/2006 5:37 pm

Bye Bye Pappa. I love you!!

My earliest memories of my Dad were of this big man with the strong arms that used to pick me up and hold me tight. He was always there to take the pain away. From a very young age I had to live with an abusive mother who made me feel that she disliked me intensely and just wanted me out of her sight.

Dad was the complete opposite. He loved me unconditionally. My mother was physically one of the most beautiful women in the world and my sisters and brother all looked like her. I was the ugly duckling in the family ‒ taking after my Dad. As a teenager my dad was always the one telling me I was pretty and even more beautiful than my mother. A fact I knew, was not true, but that was Dad, always wanting to sooth away my pain.

My mother passed away in 1990 and Dad was spending every weekend with us. He was a brilliant man who had travelled the world and had so much to share. Every weekend with him was a blessing.

Then he became ill. It was a long and hard fight against Cancer. For nearly two years I saw this big strong man losing the fight. He became a tiny bag of bones, so ill that he could not walk anymore. My hubby was the pillar of strength. He would pick my Dad up as if he was a baby, wash him and carry him around where he neede to go . They watched their passion, the wonderful game of rugby and share so many special moments.

I felt numb. I did not know how to deal with it. I tried so hard to push the fear of losing my Dad out of my mind. The last week of my Dad's life was a nightmare. One I do not ever want to live through again.

The last day that he knew what was going on around him,I spent the day next to his bed. I had bought him a book called “Butterfly Kisses” and I had written in it all the wonderful & special memories that I had of him. Every time he would wake up, I would read from the book to him. That was my way of telling him that he meant the world to me.

He lost his fight on the 20 of July 2001. I had been sitting by his bed, praying for him to die. When death came I was just so glad that he was out of pain. It was so unfair that this wonderful person who never hurt anyone and treated everyone with so much respect had to die such a cruel and painful death.

I could not mourn his passing. I was just so upset with God. I kept thinking that if you had a dog that was in pain you would have him put down. Here was my Dad and it just kept on and on !! The pain just never seemed to end and I was so helpless to try and help him in any way.

Losing Dad left a big void in my life. For the past 5 years I have walked around not wanting to admit this fact to myself. Not mourning his death has plunged me into this deep pit of dispair. It was only this week when I wrote a blog about my depression that I faced the reality of what was wrong with me.

Now that I know the cause, I can start working on the solution. I need to say bye to my dad and writing this down is my first step to recovery!!



rm_DurbanBitch 41F
6 posts
7/19/2006 12:36 am

(((HUG))) Sunshine

Your Dad was SO lucky to have such a remarkable daughter as you.

Tomorrow...5 years down the line...you can celebrate this life of this wonderful man, a man who shaped the way you are.

Take care, Doll...cry if you have to...it helps!


toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
7/19/2006 6:08 pm

beautiful; thanks for sharing. kisses.


Longoverdue66 50M
14 posts
7/19/2006 11:47 pm

So beautiful,but you will come out strong at the end,thx for making me realise how important is it to spend as much time as possible with your dad as or mom.Goodluck on your yourney and believe all will go well.
Huggss


alwaysnaughtly 59M/57F

7/20/2006 2:45 am

What a grand olde man he was!! A man amongst men!! A gaint of a man, though always considerate,humble,loving,caring, a God fearing Gentle Gaint,
that has left his own unique mark on the universe!! Shed a bucket of tears my dearest Sunshine, let it wash away the hurt, heartache & darkness. Dwell often on your fondest memories and you will see that your dear beloved "Pappa" will always be there at your side, will always be fondly remembered and will live on in our hearts forever!! I will make sure that one day your grand children will know what a wonderful man their great grandfather was!!
Luv, hugs & hot kisses
Samsam


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:34 pm

    Quoting DustyWidget:
    Just to let everyone know that Sunshine has some internet problems so cannot access the site for a bit but has asked me to tell you she is thinking of you all and will reply as soon as possible
Thanks Dusty you are a friend as always. My internet problem is sorted and I am back!!!!


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:35 pm

    Quoting rm_DurbanBitch:
    (((HUG))) Sunshine

    Your Dad was SO lucky to have such a remarkable daughter as you.

    Tomorrow...5 years down the line...you can celebrate this life of this wonderful man, a man who shaped the way you are.

    Take care, Doll...cry if you have to...it helps!
Thanks for the hug and the nice message!!!! I needed the hug and it came just at the right time!!!! Take care


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:38 pm

    Quoting DustyWidget:
    Brave post Sunshine. Great post love. You'll be fine. Always here for support, advice and a hug.

    And my what a swan the duckling became. xxx
Writing this post helped me a lot. It allowed me to open the wound and with sunshine on it, it can only heal.


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:39 pm

    Quoting toothysmile:
    beautiful; thanks for sharing. kisses.


Thanks to you too!!!


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:42 pm

    Quoting Longoverdue66:
    So beautiful,but you will come out strong at the end,thx for making me realise how important is it to spend as much time as possible with your dad as or mom.Goodluck on your yourney and believe all will go well.
    Huggss
Give your mom and dad a extra special hug from me. I do miss being able to do that to my mom and dad so much. Yes we do tend to take our loved one's for granted!


sunshinekzn 57F

7/20/2006 8:44 pm

    Quoting alwaysnaughtly:
    What a grand olde man he was!! A man amongst men!! A gaint of a man, though always considerate,humble,loving,caring, a God fearing Gentle Gaint,
    that has left his own unique mark on the universe!! Shed a bucket of tears my dearest Sunshine, let it wash away the hurt, heartache & darkness. Dwell often on your fondest memories and you will see that your dear beloved "Pappa" will always be there at your side, will always be fondly remembered and will live on in our hearts forever!! I will make sure that one day your grand children will know what a wonderful man their great grandfather was!!
    Luv, hugs & hot kisses
    Samsam

Well guy's if you have not put 2 and 2 together yet.... This is my dear hubby. Thanks for always being there for me!! I do love you!!!


sunshinekzn 57F

7/21/2006 1:55 am

    Quoting DustyWidget:
    Well what a surprise. I would never have known in a million years.
LOL!!!!! You were the first one to know because you are just brilliant!!!


rm_pussnballs4u 61M/54F
326 posts
7/21/2006 1:47 pm

Lost my father in a similar fashion back in 84. Have yet to grieve over it...maybe it's time now.

Balls


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