Failing In Bed!  

steamyandsexybi 43F
3170 posts
9/4/2006 6:48 am

Last Read:
9/23/2006 9:05 am

Failing In Bed!


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The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK.

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Breathelessbimbo 49F

9/4/2006 7:45 am

OMG....have you been reading my sexual diary???

Many of these things have happened to me.

And you all wonder why ive given up with the sex thing, roflmao


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/4/2006 8:01 am

    Quoting Breathelessbimbo:
    OMG....have you been reading my sexual diary???

    Many of these things have happened to me.

    And you all wonder why ive given up with the sex thing, roflmao
Bimbo....(lol, sorry but that does sound funny) lmao!

No! I SWEAR! I havent read your diary! Youre on the other side of the pond....my arms aint that long! lol

YOU may have given up the sex thing...but NEVER ME! (hehe) Its bad enough I havent been getting any the last few months! UGH! lol
(me thinks I'm being too picky)


sexymamma662003 31F

9/4/2006 9:44 am

omg im going to print that out for my husband. lol

~sexy~


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/4/2006 10:16 am

sexymamma,

Please!!! Remind me to NEVER marry anyone who cannot comply with the simple facts of sex...ok? LOL

Sex is way too important for me in any relationship....probably explains why I havent been married yet!
Am I right?


Scoobysnax1970 45M

9/4/2006 11:05 am

Damn! I always thank a woman after sex, just as I always beg like a 5 year old beforehand.

Very good list though.


sexymamma662003 31F

9/4/2006 11:11 am

unfortuneatly you are right.

my husband is one of those guys its done in 3 min or less and i nver get to finish, cause he says hes to sensitive so sad i know

~sexy~


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/4/2006 1:43 pm

    Quoting Scoobysnax1970:
    Damn! I always thank a woman after sex, just as I always beg like a 5 year old beforehand.

    Very good list though.
Scoobysnax,

Nice handle, by the way! LOL
I never seen a 5 yr. old beg for sex! lmao! (yuck yuck!)
Well, now ya know, NOT to thank a woman afterwards! Ya learn something new everyday right?


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/4/2006 1:46 pm

    Quoting sexymamma662003:
    unfortuneatly you are right.

    my husband is one of those guys its done in 3 min or less and i nver get to finish, cause he says hes to sensitive so sad i know
sexymamma,

*sigh* I feel sorry for you!
3 minutes or less? Why the heck even bother? Too sensitive?...My ass! lol
Sounds like a copout from a man who has no control! Its all about STAMINA! lol


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/4/2006 6:51 pm

    Quoting cheeky694U2000:
    Looks like I've got a lot to learn lol
    better print it off........but don't blame me if it spoils the mood, me stopping to read up every now and again!!!!!
    A xxx
cheeky,

Oh you modest one! Just from the things you've already spoken about so far, I have a feeling you wont need much learning!
....and I wont let you stop at nothing!!!!!! lol

~kisses~
steamy


ciclonandcoke 47M  
11 posts
9/4/2006 7:00 pm

Great List! I'm sure your doing alot of guys and girls a service by posting these tips! After reading through them and enjoying a few laughs, I'd say i'm doing pretty good! Though I must say I have been guilty of a few of these things in the past myself and it's good to hear these things coming from a woman! Guys! Pay attention to what she says here, I'll bet alot of you will be able to relate.


bvsfun 48M

9/4/2006 11:49 pm

I didn't realize so many of us needed instruction of so many of these issues.


rm_naughty4u506 49M
85 posts
9/5/2006 7:01 am

    Quoting steamyandsexybi:
    Bimbo....(lol, sorry but that does sound funny) lmao!

    No! I SWEAR! I havent read your diary! Youre on the other side of the pond....my arms aint that long! lol

    YOU may have given up the sex thing...but NEVER ME! (hehe) Its bad enough I havent been getting any the last few months! UGH! lol
    (me thinks I'm being too picky)
Another gut busting blog and commentary. I cant help but ask you my TSWP, too picky? What exactlly are the qualifications to meet your standards? lol


Cancer6962 54M
265 posts
9/5/2006 8:35 am

Ok ...I'll admit it I've been guilty of a few offenses. I do usually attempt to make up for it in other ways though.

Cancer6962

I eat'n


rm_StormRS 40M
5636 posts
9/5/2006 11:51 am

I don't think I'm guilty of anything on the list (with the possible exception of the clothing infractions......), but I want to be sure, so perhaps I should set up an "evaluation" with you so you can make sure I'm following the proper procedures

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend........


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/5/2006 1:40 pm

    Quoting ciclonandcoke:
    Great List! I'm sure your doing alot of guys and girls a service by posting these tips! After reading through them and enjoying a few laughs, I'd say i'm doing pretty good! Though I must say I have been guilty of a few of these things in the past myself and it's good to hear these things coming from a woman! Guys! Pay attention to what she says here, I'll bet alot of you will be able to relate.
ciclonandcoke,

Thanks! I just love a man who I dont need to argue my point to...or point(s)! Thanks for visiting! And good luck to you!


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/5/2006 1:51 pm

    Quoting bvsfun:
    I didn't realize so many of us needed instruction of so many of these issues.
bvsfun,

Yes but ONLY some of ya's....not everyone!
Thanks for the visit!


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/5/2006 1:56 pm

    Quoting rm_naughty4u506:
    Another gut busting blog and commentary. I cant help but ask you my TSWP, too picky? What exactlly are the qualifications to meet your standards? lol
naughty,

(I got a gut buster for ya....lol)~wink

"TSWP"...agh! thats never gonna wear off, is it? lol

Yes! I think I've been a bit too picky lately but! considering the few men I've met already, I have every right to be!
I dont really have specifics as far as qualifications go. Each man is different so I dont like to pin certain things on them. Know what I mean? (the only thing I really am concerned about is....please dont be shorter than me...please be clean and honest and respectful) Is that too much to ask for? lol


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/5/2006 1:59 pm

    Quoting Cancer6962:
    Ok ...I'll admit it I've been guilty of a few offenses. I do usually attempt to make up for it in other ways though.

    Cancer6962
cancer,

How nice it is to see you here! Long time- no talk!

First step is to admit it...good! I am curious to know how it is you make up for it in other ways,though....~devilish grin~


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/5/2006 2:04 pm

    Quoting rm_StormRS:
    I don't think I'm guilty of anything on the list (with the possible exception of the clothing infractions......), but I want to be sure, so perhaps I should set up an "evaluation" with you so you can make sure I'm following the proper procedures
Storm,

LOL! Of course you want to be sure! And, exactly how would you like to go about this "evaluation?" and what happens if ya 'flunk?'
Then what? lol
Thanks for the visit!


Cancer6962 54M
265 posts
9/5/2006 7:32 pm

steamy,
I made a comment a few weeks ago but I do stop in. Busted you on the "Buffalo" wings .... aaauuugh. It's not like I'm difficult to contact.
Well, how I make up for any infractions that would be kissing and telling I'll save that for other places. Check my blog and some of my posts in groups I'm sure you can figure it out.

I eat'n


orallust691000 66M

9/6/2006 4:33 am

I found your "40 sex sins" for us fella absolutely hilarious - like all good pieces, because so many are true. I think I am guilty of three for sure and another couple on occasion - but that aside the style of writing and the humour was suprb - sorry you are so far away although I do get to NYC occasionally! Us UK males are little different I fear, from what i have been told (Lol).


rm_StormRS 40M
5636 posts
9/6/2006 7:31 am

    Quoting steamyandsexybi:
    Storm,

    LOL! Of course you want to be sure! And, exactly how would you like to go about this "evaluation?" and what happens if ya 'flunk?'
    Then what? lol
    Thanks for the visit!
Oh, I'm sure we can cum up with some way to test me

And I guess if I flunk I'll just have to sign up for some practice and private instruction with you!

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend........


rm_naughty4u506 49M
85 posts
9/6/2006 8:19 am

please dont be shorter than me...please be clean and honest respectful and please appreciate a woman wearing long dirty tube socks. Is that too much to ask for?

Stwange qualifications Steamy, vewy swange! Score one for naughty!Time to hide c-ya lol


imsingleagain06 42M

9/6/2006 6:23 pm

Great post. Like someone else said, I know I've been guilty of at least one of these in the past

Blah blah blog


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/6/2006 7:42 pm

    Quoting cheeky694U2000:
    Well, I'm sure I'll get by.............always up for learning a few new tricks mind due,
    sweet kisses baby
    A xxxxx
Mr.Sexy cheeky~

Well, of course you'd get by and YOU KNOW that I'm dying to show ya more than just a few new tricks!
~muah~


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/6/2006 7:45 pm

    Quoting Cancer6962:
    steamy,
    I made a comment a few weeks ago but I do stop in. Busted you on the "Buffalo" wings .... aaauuugh. It's not like I'm difficult to contact.
    Well, how I make up for any infractions that would be kissing and telling I'll save that for other places. Check my blog and some of my posts in groups I'm sure you can figure it out.
cancer,
Aaaah! Yeeeess! Ya did bust me on those Buffalo wings, didnt ya? lol (I stand corrected!)
I'll be sure to check out your blog as well! Sorry I havent yet- I've been super busy lately;away from the pc alot.


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/6/2006 7:50 pm

    Quoting orallust691000:
    I found your "40 sex sins" for us fella absolutely hilarious - like all good pieces, because so many are true. I think I am guilty of three for sure and another couple on occasion - but that aside the style of writing and the humour was suprb - sorry you are so far away although I do get to NYC occasionally! Us UK males are little different I fear, from what i have been told (Lol).
orallus,
Hmmmm. interesting- how often do ya get to NYC? I'm approximately 6 hrs away from NYC...I'm in a town right outside the city of Buffalo called Cheektowaga.- a little suburban town.
Thank you! and I'm glad you enjoyed this! Its always nice to see/hear someone smile and laugh!

I do have a question out of curiosity......how are UK males a little different? lol
Would that be a good different OR a bad different? (scared....biting my nails, waiting for answer.....) lol


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/6/2006 7:53 pm

    Quoting rm_StormRS:
    Oh, I'm sure we can cum up with some way to test me

    And I guess if I flunk I'll just have to sign up for some practice and private instruction with you!
Storm,

I have to say I have no sign up sheet here! lol
Ya just have to qualify by feeling of....feeling....
....yeah, thats it! It has to be a mutual satisfaction kinda feeling, you know? lol


steamyandsexybi 43F
2784 posts
9/6/2006 7:58 pm

    Quoting rm_naughty4u506:
    please dont be shorter than me...please be clean and honest respectful and please appreciate a woman wearing long dirty tube socks. Is that too much to ask for?

    Stwange qualifications Steamy, vewy swange! Score one for naughty!Time to hide c-ya lol
naughty,

You know something? The handle you picked here for yourself: " naughty" sure does fit you! LOL!
Thats right....ya better go hide! Before I whip out my long dirty, HOLEY tube socks(get it right!) and beat ya wit it!

And why is asking for someone NOT to be shorter than me 'stwange?' How would YOU feel standing next to a female who is 6' tall and you; being a man only 4' tall? It just dont look right! LMAO!
Wanna go face to face on this one? (I dare ya!) hehehe........


rm_naughty4u506 49M
85 posts
9/7/2006 7:07 am

    Quoting steamyandsexybi:
    naughty,

    You know something? The handle you picked here for yourself: " naughty" sure does fit you! LOL!
    Thats right....ya better go hide! Before I whip out my long dirty, HOLEY tube socks(get it right!) and beat ya wit it!

    And why is asking for someone NOT to be shorter than me 'stwange?' How would YOU feel standing next to a female who is 6' tall and you; being a man only 4' tall? It just dont look right! LMAO!
    Wanna go face to face on this one? (I dare ya!) hehehe........
I would feel like I was in the land of the Amazons. Thats not so bad. lol Face to Face? dare me?, dare me ???? lol Brrrrring it! lol. I double dog dare ya!


rm_StormRS 40M
5636 posts
9/7/2006 7:58 am

    Quoting steamyandsexybi:
    Storm,

    I have to say I have no sign up sheet here! lol
    Ya just have to qualify by feeling of....feeling....
    ....yeah, thats it! It has to be a mutual satisfaction kinda feeling, you know? lol
Mutual satisfaction is my specialty, Ms. Steamy!

Well, it's among my specialties, anyway............

If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend........


bustybettyboop 50F  
59325 posts
9/7/2006 11:50 am

all very good points to remember!!!! hopefully all the men on here make notes and don't do any of those no-no's!!! *wrinkles nose* lol....i've sooo had men do those things before...lmao..*wink*

..just join me on my blog bustybettyboop and still looking for some hot,sexy,creative contestants for my next contest...come join us! need a blog mentor or want to be one?


Cancer6962 54M
265 posts
9/9/2006 1:32 pm

steamy,
You might hear from me more often if you responded to IMs

Cancer6962

I eat'n


cobra70118 105M

9/11/2006 10:39 am

your giving away secrets... what about the other 40?


justforfun50005 53M

9/11/2006 9:01 pm

Great advice.Wish I knew that when I was 18.I like to hear what you ladies have to say.It really is important to some us men.I wish you the best in all you do.JBG


rm_dosrev 39M
2091 posts
9/12/2006 3:48 am

I love the term "Breastville east and west."


"Enough of this palaver, lets get the show on the road!"
"The best thing about a day like that is that it can't get any worse. It was a bad day AND a Monday. The rest of the week has to be better." - Hotandsteamygirl


toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
9/12/2006 11:05 pm

~smiling discreetly and looking up innocently...~
kisses


rm_ganzo1967 49M
1 post
9/14/2006 9:11 pm

Thanks for the advices, really good... I will keep that in mind!!!


orallust691000 66M

9/17/2006 9:25 am

I am in the NYC area about once a year annually. In answer to your other question - UK males are a little less laid back and probably do less foreplay before targetting on their woman's pussy. This can drive UK women wild - and why old farts like me who actually enjoy the foreplay, oral whatever will always have a role yo play - well, for a while anyway!!
Jon


angelluvertp 53M/54F

9/18/2006 7:41 am

LMAO!!!....My wife is a stickler when it comes to #17!! Of course being a nudist, socks are a rare thing for me, but many a time I've heard her tell our male guests to "loose those socks"....LOL


tadpudgy 56M

9/19/2006 6:14 pm

To the STEAMY-ONE.......Unlimited supply of "roll-your-eyes-in-the-the-back-of-your-head"......"Give-me-a-moment-to-uncurl-my-toes"......(FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS=GASMS!!!!!!!!) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM hope you enjoyed!


mikeylikesit368 49
37 posts
9/21/2006 4:56 pm

Allot of that is just common sence, but funnier than shit the way you put it!
thanks for the laugh
mikey


KissMyHotPants 56F

3/19/2007 7:30 pm

Thank you, steamy! I happened across this because of a "connection". I'm certainly glad that you posted this, #4 & #10 where especially effective affirmation for me, and no one has posted since 9/6/2006, what say you run this by them again? Thank you!


rm_cwifedou 42M/41F
51 posts
6/16/2007 5:27 pm

Fantastic list so true and clear even the men will be able to understand it. I thank you. I think I shall post in in the bedroom.


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