When I was a kid, they showed movies at the back of the fire station, projected against an old tarp hung on the brick wall..
Mostly silent movies, westerns, Keystone Cops, The Little Rascals, Laurel and Hardy, stuff like that...
They cost a nickel, you brought your own popcorn sodas and snacks...
The first movies I ever saw in a movie theater were The Sound Of Music and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, full screen, in color and stereo cinematic sound...
Juju fruits, necco wafers,Mike & Ike's, sugar overload at the snack bar added to the spacial affects...
Sensory over load for a little kid that'd never even seen a color tv or heard a hi-fi stereo...
Years past, I saw a few more movies, at drive ins mostly, A couple of the last I ever saw was Debbie Does Dallas, Star Wars.. the original...
Ya might say it's been awhile since I've been to a theater...
With what it costs, and so much available free at the library and ready to be ummm ~cough~ downloaded online, we watch from home... the snacks are cheaper that way too...
At home, the theater, up against the wall, what was the first movie, the last you saw?
I'm so sweet, rainbows of puppies, kittens and guinea pigs beam out of my butt when I fart...
okay, so I had a running case diarrhea of the mouth in my youth, and that wasn't the best thing to say when the lady deputy asked me
"And you are?"
So she says "Lets try this again, and you are?"
"Easily Aroused"...
Strike two and I was on the fast track to being arrested for drunk and disorderly...
Luckily for me officer betty and I had a history, iron pants betty they call her... but not back in high school where she had her way with me...
Back then she'd lurk in the wrestling room, behind the mats where I'd sneak off for a smoke, usually she ended up smoking me, pinned, pumped and dumped...
But I digress, I was under duress, it wasn't such a bad place to be, under her dress...
So I'm getting ready to leave again for a couple weeks, open the door of the not so flatulent bumble bee sounding, bat mobile looking buick and what do I see?
Half my dash laying on the front seat, someone tried to steal the stereo last night, they must've gave up and just decided to steal my sun glasses instead, that's the third pair in a month..
Fuck me, is there anything a crack head won't steal?
Well besides my Mott The Hoople All The Young Dudes cassette tape? It's been in three different stereos that've been stolen or attempted, and still it sticks around...
far far away, in a smoke filled bowling alley of a the long forgotten past, A bowler approaches the line, cameras focused close up, millions of eyes watching...
Ok it was a PBA tournament so millions might be a stretch, more like 2012 if they tuned in during a commercial break during the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon...
A glide and a slide, near perfect form, unfortunately those 501 button fly levis were just to worn...
The release never came, it ended in a split..
Stem to stern my levis split at the seam, there I was on live tv with my bare ass hanging out...
So much for going commando...
Full moons over my hammie, don't leave my ass hanging here...
Dare Ya To Share One Of Your Embarrassing Moments....
So I've been sleeping on mom's broke back couch lately, back home in possum holler where the internets don't flow...
Boredom soon overtakes common sense, and I answered the phone without checking caller I.D. first...
What transpired was a telemarketer from an unnamed middle Eastern country, an out sourced call center for a well known credit card company whose ad asks What's In Your Wallet?
I sat through his sales spiel, his queen's english accent tempered somewhat by curry, when of course he asks...
"Sir, What's in your wallet?"
I just had to answer that, it was to easy...
"Nude pictures of Bea Arthur, your sister and yo momma...I think your pay pal account and pin number's in there too."
"Sir, seriously!"
"Yes?"
"You have nude pics of Bea Arthur?"
"Seriously."
"She's a goddess, I'd pay for those pics."
My gypsy senses tingling, I had a pigeon on the hook, and I just had to set that hook...
"Well I don't accept plastic, but I do take travelers checks, money orders, personnel checks, cash, US Dollars, Euros, Rubies, not rupees... give me your personal contact addy and your pay pal info so I can confirm and those pics are yours... What's in your wallet big boy?"
And so he did...
And now I have a telemarketers home email...
Seriously, what would you do, what would you send?
Mastodons caught in glaciers, saber tooth tigers stuck in tar pits, primordial giant three toed sloth like hyenas fossilized in the serengeti move faster...
Aug 23, 2008 7:30 am Mood: Ringing ma's bell, 7612 Views
It's saturday morning, 10 am... so far we've had about 15 telemarketers wake my sorry ass up...
As of this moment, I've signed up for three new credit cards offered to whoever used to have this number, extended the warranty on a mercedes I don't have, joined a health care program in canada, a gym/spa in pennsylvania...
Landscapers are en route to beautiful my yard and I should be registered to vote now, in three different counties...
Tomorrow a basement water proofing guy's showing up to give me a free estimate and a free bbq grill with T bone steaks...hope he gets past the fact I live on the 8th floor...
Along with the dish network guy and my free flat screen and dvd player...hope he has a tall ladder...
Aug 20, 2008 6:51 pm Mood: Lamisily challanged, 6905 Views
I've always had smelly feet, but lately, what with sleeping in the back of my car or on a broke down couch where someone's always spraying my feet with fa breeze, I've been sleeping with my boots on...
But these aren't ordinary boots, these are Ca bella's closeout's, bought for five dollars, More than five years ago...
To say they're past their prime is an odoriferous gross understatement, when I take them off, small animals, children even adults pass out after a prolonged gag...
Except my cat henri, for some unknown reason he likes to sink his head deep into my boot stink when he sleeps...
Taking them off involves ozone layer depleting, greenhouse gaseous, nauseous, toxic fogs...
Not to mention I've now either developed a severe case of trench foot, jungle root that or I'm now a leper...
Anyone else a stinky foot out there, know one, smelled one?
What's the longest you've owned a pair of shoes, boots?
It laid there looking like a big assed drowned rat, like something a big persian cat hacked up, or a dehydrated persian cat...or what the pitt bull that ate the persian cat hacked back up...
It's been two years since I've had my silver locks shorn, last night the wench sheared me like a sheep...
Many years ago, in my youthful past, my dad made me get my haircut once every two weeks, a buzz cut with a bit of bang, like all the other kids with opie taylor haircuts, we were jealous of those amish kids that had the bowl head cut..
things changed, long hair even mullets were in, I never was one for having a hair style, more like just too lazy to get a haircut...
So now there on the floor before me lay my silvery tresses looking less like hair, more like a boneless persian...
And I've finally got that Dutch boy, Amish kid bowl head hair look...
How 'Bout You, When's The Last Time You Had A Haircut?
Aug 9, 2008 10:12 am Mood: Neandrathalish impaired, 7556 Views
Woke up, got out of bed... drug my sorry ass to the head...
In the mirror before me, bathroom light not on, I don't do mornings well, what do my bleary blood shot eyes see? The Geico caveman staring back at me....
Obviously I need a haircut and a shave, the guinea pig spuds boinking away behind me, he does mornings well. I hate that...
slogging my half shut crusty, crimson bleeding eyes to the coffee maker, stiff dark and black, half a cup of sugar, I should've been good to go...
Butt oh no, half a slug, burnt tongue, parched lips... a creepy crawlie feeling spreads across my palette...
Spitting, not swallowing, there on the coffee soaked keyboard is a half drowned, caffeine crazed cockroach wiggling away.. not the way to start the day....
It was a typical small town in the arm pit of ohio sweltering july night, the moon was full, the beer cold, mosquitoes drawing more than their fair share of blood...
Sitting on the back of the flatulent bumble bee sounding, bat mobile looking buick's trunk, just killing time and a cold one or twelve, our neighborhood watch group was hard at work, doing what we do best... watching..and getting the mosquitoes drunk with our highly thinned blood, that is everyone but me, I wasn't getting bit...
About the time a friend started to bitch, I had to open my mouth,start in about the virtues of smoking and how it keeps the bugs at bay, just as a June Bug the size of a Volkswagen beetle tries to make a three point landing in my mouth..
I have an irrational fear of june bugs, always have ever since I was a kid, in my mind the rumors of them carrying of kittens, puppies and small children were true...
And now I had one clinging to my lips...
Bug and beer were clawed, pawed, spit and spewed, the sweltering,still night air pierced by girlish screams... did I mention I have an irrational fear of june bugs?
Bug free, everything once again calm...except me, someone notices that ol' june bug attached to my crotch... obviously she was forming an unwelcome attachment, one that needed nipped in the bud before she nipped mine...
Morning came all to early, the night before's events lost in the sweltering hungover fog, I plopped my ass down in the flatulent bumblebee sounding, bat mobile looking buick, and there in the passenger seat beside me was that June Bug just watching me... I really need to get that window fixed...
All the way to cleveland she sat there, she's still out there, watching, waiting.. I think I've got a new pet...
The flatulent bumblebee sounding bat mobile looking buick, newly improved now with battle scars is back on the road, with a little help from a lot of duct tape,some wire ripped from our fire alarm system and part of a rusty old metal swing set...
I've been down home fighting the blob in the mold house basement, trying to get it ready to be sold, while there of course I liberated a ton or two of groceries, mostly can goods and frozen stuff from unlocked, unwatched relatives pantries,larders and freezers...
A two hour trip back turned into four because of the orange barrel construction zones and cones, of course what with meat and veggies starting to thaw and rot in my flatulent black trunk, three weeks of rain but no, today the sun had to shine...
Then of course, it's monday, the elevators are both broke down, what with two tons of soggie rapidly rotting animal flesh and all,of course we live on the 8th floor...
After 9 knee surgeries, 30 years of heavy smoking, my fat ass doesn't do stairs well..
And go figure, I left my cigarettes in the car, one more trip down then up, as soon as lung capacity returns ~cough~
