| WHAT GOES UP MUST CUM DOWN... WHAT? WAIT... |
Jul 14, 2008 12:27 pm
Mood: Smoked, 812 Views |  | The flatulent bumblebee sounding bat mobile looking buick, newly improved now with battle scars is back on the road, with a little help from a lot of duct tape,some wire ripped from our fire alarm system and part of a rusty old metal swing set...
I've been down home fighting the blob in the mold house basement, trying to get it ready to be sold, while there of course I liberated a ton or two of groceries, mostly can goods and frozen stuff from unlocked, unwatched relatives pantries,larders and freezers...
A two hour trip back turned into four because of the orange barrel construction zones and cones, of course what with meat and veggies starting to thaw and rot in my flatulent black trunk, three weeks of rain but no, today the sun had to shine...
Then of course, it's monday, the elevators are both broke down, what with two tons of soggie rapidly rotting animal flesh and all,of course we live on the 8th floor...
After 9 knee surgeries, 30 years of heavy smoking, my fat ass doesn't do stairs well..
And go figure, I left my cigarettes in the car, one more trip down then up, as soon as lung capacity returns ~cough~
That's how my week's starting, How about yours? |
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82 Comments | |
| NERFLE THE GATHOK....WHAT? WAIT.... |
Jun 15, 2008 12:25 pm
Mood: Aloofahed, 3945 Views |  | Everyone tells me to watch where I walk here, I might get mugged, but what the fuck, naturally with my luck...
Of course, it had to happen...
I just got mugged...
Not just any mugger, I got mugged by Sponge Bob Square Pants...
Out of no where he appeared, a bottle of Thunder Bird in one hand, his lips,tongue stained black from the same...wearing sponge bob house slippers and a cheese shaped crusty ol' hat...
A Nerf Gun in his other hand, fully loaded, shoved in my face...
He was serious...
Seriously loony toons...
If I'd had a few bucks to spare, I'd have given'em to him just for making my day...
Even though he shot me as I walked away...
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151 Comments | |
| I'M SWEATING NIAGRA FALLS FROM MY ARM PITS... |
Jun 9, 2008 2:31 pm
Mood: Not summers eve fresh, 4089 Views |  | It's 96 degrees here,sweat's poring out my arm pits like niagra falls...
We're about to walk three miles to the grocery store, but first we have to ride the elevator with the great unwashed herd, ugh!
Anyone want me to pick up something at the store for'em? |
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89 Comments | |
| CLAP OFF YA FAT BASTARD... |
Jun 5, 2008 2:33 am
Mood: Clapless in Clevelandish, 4238 Views |  | Off all the things the Chinese have given us in the past, gunpowder, fireworks, rockets and other bright sparklie things of mass destruction, what have they given us lately besides lead painted toys, contaminated pet food you ask...
In the '70s it was the Clapper, an ingenious device for todays lazy society, don't wanna get out of bed to turn off that light? the lamp on the nightstand's a far reach? Just clap those hands, Clap on, clap off the clapper....but wait there's more, as seen on tv...
In a burst of capitalistic genius and an underlying agenda to rule the world,the envy of even the Dali Lama, They've now come out with the Clapper II, with remote control.. The true epitome of Oxymoron...
One handed midgets that're too short to reach the light switch, unable to clap ever since losing that hand in a freak circus accident with the sword swallower's wife will be buying these up in droves... along with the new and improved left handed Ginsu knives...
So act quick and you can be the first on your block, the house with the lights on all night because you can't find the fuckin' remote... |
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67 Comments | |
| PLEASE CAPTAIN KIRK, I REALLY DON'T WANNA GO... |
Jun 1, 2008 3:15 am
Mood: Evil henchmanish, wait what, 4571 Views |  | Captains blog, star date... shit it's 5 am and I've inhaled to much bug spray to do the conversions...so entry yada yada yada and all that
The bone in version of a trible named Spud is twitching and moaning behind me, apparently from residual effects of the bug spray used to repel the klingon like waves of cockroaches that invaded the bridge from the sorry assed excuse for hobbits next door. Frodo considers them pets, he likes to share. I don't consider this a neighborly act, it's my universe damnit!
I'm pretty sure Spud's going to recover, he has a name and he wasn't wearing a red shirt after all, though he wasn't much help during the invasion... we'll see about that red shirt next time...
The Borg like neighbors across the hall have awakened and are now chanting and banging pots & pans in a drone like rhythm to TV Evangelist music blaring from all their telecommunication devices of which they seemingly have in abundance...
I'm relieved to note our toilet's functioning, unlike the one on the space station, but there's a secondary stoppage in the sink and shower, obviously the hobbits that cohabit my space have flushed a condom...
It's unfortunate they don't utilize them more often, they've over populated and the female's either turning into a pinata or she's pregnant again.. taking into consideration that they actually breed, they aren't much smarter than an amoeba...
So once again a new day has dawned, No neighbors have died, there's no bodies twitching on the sidewalk 8 floors below... I seemingly have learned to use restraint with my executive powers, that or more likely I've just ran out of ammunition...
With that note I close this entry, it's either time for coffee or time to finish that gallon sized bottle of Costco mouthwash... it is 80 proof after all... |
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61 Comments | |
| IT AINT ALL PINK YA KNOW... |
May 30, 2008 6:01 pm
Mood: Impurrfect, 4581 Views |  | Pussy I miss it...I'm going through withdrawl, It's been near two months since I seen it last... I want to hold it, kiss it, pet it, wake up with it nestled deep in my face... I want to stroke it... make it purr...
I miss my Pussy cat... |
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44 Comments | |
| HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM... |
May 29, 2008 2:50 pm
Mood: Where's the #2 officerish, 4795 Views |  | Their mission, to boldly go where no man has gone before...
Imagine being so far from home, and that gotta go, gotta go feeling hits... You're on the international space station and the only shitter quits...
No shit. That's now NASA's order until they can launch the Challenger and deliver a plumber.
So with no back up systems and all systems no go, two astronauts or cosmonauts are about to be the first in space...
One to forever be known to all history as the first to plunge in space
And the other unlucky bastard as the first to plug up the shitter...
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56 Comments | |
| I'M SO EASY A CAVEMAN JUST DID ME... |
May 24, 2008 4:37 pm
Mood: Pedestrian, 6128 Views |  | I'm saving a ton of money on gas... I just got GEICO'D...
The flatulent sounding bumblebee batmobile looking buick sits broken in the back parking lot, winos pissing in the back seat, seagulls nesting in the front...
Maybe I can declare it a waterfowl habitate, one things for sure, I just got Fucked by the insurance company... the helping hands of Allstate didn't even give me a reach around there...
Insurance, what a scam..
Anyboy Else Ever Been Screwed By Their Insurance? |
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98 Comments | |
| WET DREAMS AND SMOKED PORK... |
May 9, 2008 4:46 pm
Mood: Unmentholated, 7001 Views |  | I had a dream last night about a land far far away, a land where beer flowed from fountains into pools beside pale ale shores...
Utopia, a Garden of Eden, a place where Three Titted Red Headed Midgets carried guinea pigs that popped cigarettes out their butts like Pez Dispensers....
And then I woke up with a shitty taste in my mouth and a burning yearning for a smoke...
I've been watching, butt the damn guinea pig has yet to produce... |
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89 Comments | |
| COMMODEOUS COMMODITIES... |
May 5, 2008 7:07 pm
Mood: Analy refreshed, 7275 Views |  | I have reached a new low, committed a hennieous crime...
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and nature desperately called...
So if you visit the Cleveland Public Library and happen to have to use the bathroom, third floor, mens room... 2nd stall from the end... beware there's no toilet paper there...
That's right, I didn't just squeeze the Charmin....
I pinched it...
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63 Comments | |
| WEAPON OF ASS DESTRUCTION... |
May 5, 2008 12:03 am
Mood: ITHINKITSDEADJIMISH, 7930 Views |  | I once had a dog that ate roadkill, last fall's roadkill that'd aged under snow drifts all winter.... it gave him gas... bad gas...
My cat Henri eats egg salad,it gives him gas, very bad sulphery rotten egg cats ass gas...
Last week we almost ran out of groceries, there wasn't any lettuce to feed spud the guinea pig... so I improvised, yogurt, mint yogurt.. if I'd only known...
Spud likes yogurt, yogurt doesn't like spud, it gives him gas, very bad rotten rats ass gas...
I've never smelled a fart that smelled so bad, minty like a mint julep twice fermented through a dead horses ass gas bad...
A smell from hell that permeates through walls, the neighbors thought we'd died in here...
Yet there he'd sit, looking quite pleased with himself.. just before it hit...
how can something so small make bad ass gas like that, I'll never know, I don't want to know...nor smell ever, never again...
We bought spud lettuce today... |
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86 Comments | |
| MEDIUM RARE, NOT BLOODY, HOLD THE CORN... |
May 2, 2008 11:34 am
8304 Views |  | The problem with insomnia is late at night you're subjected to infomercials.. to much info infomercials... like Colon Cleanse...
More crap ya didn't want to know, the human body contains 15 to 45 pounds of unpassed pooh... John Wayne died with 45 pounds...
Yee Haw, I'm not fat, I'm happily full of shit...
Of course there's a website and I just had to googlie...
Testimonial upon testimonial dumped there for curious eyes...
Like proud parent,displaying their butt cookies, web cams put to use that'd otherwise be tuned to two girl one cup videos...
There they are extolling the virtues of colon cleanse while holding up their specimens with shish kabob skewers, salad tongs, big
forks...
Leaving me with just one thought...
I hope I never get invited to their Barbeque's... |
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84 Comments | |
| THINGS THAT |
Apr 22, 2008 8:31 pm
9885 Views | [image]
When I came here I didn't know what Bukkaki or even what a Pearl Necklace was...
Someone had to explain to me what a Rim Job was...
These aren't things ya learn on Jeopardy, I'm pretty sure this'd make Alex Trebek gag...
But What The Hell Is A Cleveland Steamer? | |
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123 Comments | |
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