|Blogs > sportyfun56 > to provide diversion & a smile|
Ever had any regrets?
Ever had any regrets?
Ok.. let's all take a stroll down Reminiscent Lane and recall back (or recently) the first or worst time we didn't pull the trigger on pursuing someone and have regretted it ever since.
For me it goes back to when I was in High School. My sort of steady girlfriend was going to a different school than I did. I know, that is not a safe thing... but we were going to the same school our sophomore years but they built a new school and I had to go to that one. In fact this is the same established girlfriend that is mentioned in an earlier blog A Youthful Memory, Pt I. We were dating steady throughout our junior and senior years in HS. And ultimately on into college as was reported in the previous blog. The subject of this post however does not relate to her (again... lol).
The girl that I am thinking of as I write this "Regret" blog is someone that I met my junior year (at the new school). We'll call her Karen. Karen had come from the other school that was split along with mine to make this new school. We met in Math class. And we had some mutual friends. She was cute and pretty, not at all an intimidating kind of pretty. Just casually so. And she had long soft Red Hair. And piercing blue eyes. And she was easy to talk to and seemed to like to talk to me. Yikes! She sat in front of me in Math class and her hair would spill onto and cover the front of my desk as it was pushed up to the back of her seat. I'd have to push it out of the way or lay my books on it. lol.. But what I usually did was just lightly play with it. Not enough to attract any attention from the teacher or anyone else. Just enough to let her know I was back there. Because I was dating someone and she usually was, we never really pushed it beyond simple innocent flirting. Honest!
So by the time we were half way through our senior year (we were still in the same math class together and I still sat behind her) we had become good friends. I had considered asking her out on a couple of occasions for school functions but either she was taken already or I had the girlfriend thing. But fate would have it that on one occasion, a party/get together thing was happening and a friend of mine wanted to go with some girl he wanted to ask out for the first time and wanted me to double date with him. Well I was willing to help a friend out but my gf was unavailable that weekend. My friend Bobby says... "hey just ask Karen". Ok... maybe I would. I saw her at school and casually asked her if she was going to the party and she said that probably not because her current boyfriend couldn't make it. Ok, so I asked her if she would like to go with me., professing the innocence of the "date" so as not to alarm any boy or girlfriend lurking around. My friend drove that night and picked us all up and took us to the party. There was music and dancing and general just hanging around kind of stuff going on. We had a really good time and there was none of the tension or pressure of a "first date". I guess that was because we both new that "well this doesn't mean anything because we are already attached to someone else". We were just able to talk easy and freely (mostly about our significant others) and have a good time together. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any hand holding or arms around waists or anything like that. And there was dancing. (Dancing is trouble and hormone riddled youth should not be allowed anywhere near it.)
Anyway, we had a very lovely and pleasant evening together. It got late and Bobby had to get his date home. We took her home first and then he chauffeured Karen and I to her home to drop her off. She lived on the corner and my friend had parked on the side to drop us off. When we got there I took her hand and we walked around the corner of her house and up her walkway toward the front door. We were out of sight of Bobby alone in his car. Her house was dark. We stood on her front walk that sloped gradually uphill to her front door. There was a low step in the walk a few feet before her front steps. When we got to it she stepped up onto it and turned around so that she could face me almost but not quite eye to eye. We stayed like that and talked and laughed for a while, still hand in hand. Finally after telling ourselves that we'd been standing out there long enough and we really should go, and my friend was still waiting in his car we decided that this would be it. She put her arms around my neck and we kissed. Now this was just supposed to be a simple "hey thanks for the great night, I'll see you later" kind of date ending kiss. I'm sure she was thinking that same thing too. But that's not what happened. A chemistry that I had suspected and felt was being suppressed revealed itself in all its glory right then. We started a kiss, and melted into it in perfect harmony with each other. This was one of those kisses you remember all your life as being "SPECIAL". All kinds of things started firing off in my head as we pressed together, knowing that I had not been kissed like this or felt anything like this before. Eventually we let that kiss subside and allowed our lips to separate. We backed away far enough so that we could look at each other without going cross-eyed. In that first breath after the kiss we both, simultaneously, released one of those almost involuntary little sigh/moan/hmmm's that you do when you are so completely and pleasantly surprised by something that it catches you. We looked into each others eyes and realized that we had both sensed the same thing and knew the other knew we had sensed it. And again, almost simultaneously, murmured the words "that was nice".
Well at this point I started to become almost embarrassed and didn't know what to do now. I mean what's a guy supposed to do under this circumstance. If we had both been "available" this night, we would no longer be starting at this moment. But she was with someone and so was I. Jumpin' Jehosaphat. This was a pickle. But we both knew that we weren't available and that this 'date' should just be a one time deal, between friends. She didn't really know my girlfriend (different schools remember), but I was good friends with her boyfriend and played sports with him. This had the potential to be a nasty situation. We did the "right" thing. We backed away squeezed each other's hands and said "goodnight". I stood and only slightly moved backward down her front walk while she turned and walked up to her front door. She unlocked the door and as she stood on the threshold turned and looked at me once more. We momentarily held each others look and a lot of further communication happened there. Much of it acknowledging a sense of 'bad timing'. She turned in and closed her door softly. I turned and trudged back to Bobby's car.
When I got there he looked at me like "Where the hell have you been?" "You were out there for 45 minutes." I was shocked. Was he kidding me? Was it that long? I looked at a clock and verified that he hadn't exaggerated by much. "Ok Bobby, just take me home", I said quietly, not wanting to get into any long discussion with him. I need to think. I needed to remember in my head every moment of that night and of that walk to her front door. I was processing fast and only answering him with part of my brain. I didn't see any way for this to not be a "nasty situation" for at least one of the "4" persons involved (directly or indirectly) in this dilemma no matter what happened; Me.
Well, we still had to go to school. And she still sat in front of me in Math class. And she still was dating someone, as was I. I suddenly had a better understanding of my English Literature class and Greek Tragedy. I/we made the best of it. We continued to be friends and to also not spend too much time looking into each others eyes when talking in a group of friends. We did a good job. We graduated and went our ways. I didn't know what became of her after High School. I stayed in town and went to the big state university.
About 2 or three years later i was with a friend in a mall art store. He was wanting to buy a piece and was curious what I thought of it. So I tagged along with him to the mall. While in the store there are other people coming in and out while my friend is talking to the owner of the store. I look up and walking straight toward me, not yet noticing me, is Karen and an older lady. She had cut her long hair to just above her shoulders and put on a few pounds... I just stand there not being able to move, and she looks up and sees me. She stops about 4 feet from me and our eyes meet. She still had the same piercing blue eyes that nailed me. "Hi Karen" I smile and say as innocently as possible. "Hi 'insert name here' she says. She looks at the lady next to her, who is looking hard at me and says cheerfully "Mother, this is a friend from school". "Hello, it's nice to meet you." I say to her mother, as polite and agreeable as I've ever done in my life under such conditions. We chat about nothing for a couple of minutes and then Karen and her mom continue their idle browsing right on out the store and pass out of sight, around the corner. I turn and my friend is still consulting with the store owner. I'm just standing there with my hands in my pockets saying to myself, "what just happened there, and why again, did we both have someone in tow."
I've never seen or talked to her since then. I've gone to all the Class Reunions that have come and gone. I've always gone to them with with the main intent of seeing her again. She'll probably be with her short fat bald husband. But she has never come to a single one of the reunions. I don't know if that is because she has moved away and just can't justify coming back for them. Or if she intentionally stays away from them, for the same reason I intentionally go to them.
So there it is. I was only 18, and she was/is the single regret of my love life. What could have been? Nobody knows and I sure don't. But I do know that is a shame that she and I never found out what that kiss and that night meant in the grand scheme of things.
Ok, there, well that was fun purging ... What do you have?
4/1/2005 6:45 pm
Yikes... all that purging... I'd best go get a mop and bucket!
Yes, I have regrets. I regret that every gosh darned post I've written today has not been posted! This will probably be the only one that works and the only one in which I've nothing to say pertinent to your entry!
But, as you know I didn't wish to talk about it 'in public' and have shared my thoughts with you privately. I do to this day regret losing that friend.
4/2/2005 1:16 pm
Regrets? Ohh yes, one in particular...this man was fabulous but I was younger and frightened by his "maleness." I knew I should have gone with it...if it had been today I would jump on the opportunity...but time as passed, he is no longer around.|
4/2/2005 5:33 pm
Wow! All y'all had some really nice stories to tell. And Sporty, you write VERY well. |
My missed love occured when I was 20. The woman was 7 years my senior, and we dated exclusively for three years. Alas, she was ready to settle down and I wasn't so she dumped me. I loved her and it kicked my ass hard for a few months, but I was young and I got over it.
I never really think about her that much but your post has brought it all rushing back.
4/3/2005 9:56 pm
Thanks everyone... |
At least to all that have commented so far according to what is before me... I see only 6 actual comments when the front page reports 10 comments on this post.?
-Huny... darlin' you're gonna start getting it someday soon and then you won't be able to stop hun. Then we will all enjoy reading about all the "getting it" you are having... I hope you'll be able to walk... lol
-Merry ... babe. Thanks for persevering and getting at least something to stick here. I think the discrepancy between the 6 comments I see, and the 10 that are reported, may have something to do with your missing comment(s). You are victim of yet another "blug" (blog bug)
I know you felt a sense of pain and loss over your "regret". And a sense of the "bad timing" that I shared as well. I'm sure he also knows some regrets over it.
You're right hun. You don't seem frightened any more. And someone will come again into your life such as he. Don't let him pass this time.
thanks for the comments and the compliment. You're right, when you are young like that it is easier to "get over it". But the memories burn deeper I think. I hope it's not too hard to remember her now.
Yeah, I actually started this blog with a humorous intent. But as I started to compile all the memories from that situation it became something different. It got away from me you might say... or, that it wrote itself in spite of my intent. AND, wouldn't you know it, there is another class reunion this summer. And yes, I'll go to it and no she probably won't be there.
4/5/2005 10:54 pm
Late to the party - I have a somewhat similar story (except guess what - she was at our last reunion), you have inspired me to jot it down in my own blog in the next day or two - thanks!!|
4/6/2005 7:22 am
Thanks to you. Better late and never. But you're not late on this one. It's eternal.
And i'll scoot right over and look for your story on your blog.
4/7/2005 9:21 pm
I don't know what I'd do after all this time if she did show up at the reunion this summer.
And yes, Nick's story reminded me a lot of mine... lol.. or boo hoooooo....