junior's notebook...entry 5  

sparkee58 58M
606 posts
8/18/2006 2:45 am

Last Read:
8/23/2006 8:36 am

junior's notebook...entry 5


Still here at the ranch. Not much of a vacation, though. I had a press conference Monday. Traveled to a Harley plant to help Lynn Swan, the republican candidate. I got to sit on a bike. Somebody gave me some glasses that made me look just like Bono.
"Where's the pedals," I asked.
I'm sitting at the desk in the library here in Crawford. JR Junior is in the corner with some thick book. Condi's in DC looking at stirring up some more birth pangs. That JR Junior is becoming a world class smartass, just like his dad. But with Condi's brainpower. He's got no respect for anybody. One of these days I'm going to show him some shock and awe.
There sure is a lot of books here. The books are in the bookcases. That's where we keep the books. In the bookcases.
Anyway, Elsmarto and the Snowman bet me I couldn't use the words terror or terrorist twenty times in five minutes during the press conference.
"Just watch," I said. They were sitting on the couch.
"The terrorists want to create terror to terrorize people. Thats what terrorists do. They create terror. And that terrorizes people with terror. But we are going after the terrorists that create this terror to terrorize people..."
I looked at the Snowman. He grinned.
"That's perfect, sir."
Jr Junior looked over from his book.
"You paunchy motley-minded dewberry," he said.
Elsmarto and The Snowman looked at me and I smirked and shrugged. What can you do?
"You shouldn't talk to grownups like that," said Elsmarto, wagging a finger at him.
"You bootless shard-borne pumpion," he said."Don't you tell me what to do, you fishified half-faced mammet."
The acorn don't fall far from the pine tree, I thought.
"What the hell is he reading," asked Snowman.
"Shakespeare," answered Elsmarto.
"Sir, it wouldn't look bad for you to be seen reading something," he continued.
"You mean outside the bathroom?"
"Why don't you pick something out."
So, I got up and closed my eyes and picked out a book from the bookcase. That's where we keep the books. In the bookcase.
"The Stranger. What the hell. A book about Billy Joel?"
Elsmarto and the Snowman looked at each other and broke into a laugh. JR Junior shook his head and returned to his Shakesbeer.
"Perfect, sir."
I thumbed through it and stopped on a page.
"Lots of big words here, Tony."
"You're a big man, sir."
I nodded.
"How about I read every other page?"
See, I'm a born diplomat.
"That's perfect, sir. I'll inform the press.
"You caluminous beef-witted bladder," said JR Junior.
They soon left.

Next day I'm sitting with Karl watching Oprah when Rumsfeld comes in and plops down.
"How's the cakewalk going?" I asked him.
"As well as can be expected. A few deadenders stirring up trouble."
"I saw over 10,000 hajis protesting and burning US flags in Baghdad on tv the other day. What was that about? I thought they loved us."
Karl looked over at Rumsfeld and shook his head.
"That musta been a movie, sir. A Michael Moore movie. They were all extras."
I looked at Karl and he nodded.
"Looks like right before the elections we're sending 4,000 more troops to Baghdad. That don't look too good. Right before the elections."
Rumsfeld looked at the floor. Karl cleared his throat.
"Sir, we're not really sending them. They're already there. We're just extending their tour," he said.
Now I was confused. I hope the American public is too.
"How many dead hajis...er, I mean Iraqi civilians have become colateral damge so far this year?"
Karl mumbled.
"17,776, sir."
I watched Dumsfeld. He toyed with his cell phone.
"Don't even think about it," I said.
Too late. JR Junior was already climbing over back of the sofa.
"Let me play! Let me play!"
"No! We're not going to blow up anyone with the drone today. Are we?" I said. "Condi will have my ass."
Rumsfeld put the phone up.
"17,776? That's a nice patriotic number," he said.
Karl laughed and shook his head in admiration.
"What's Lou Dobbs doing in the kitchen?" Rumsfeld asked.
"Making a sandwich," Karl said.
"I can see that. Why is he here?"
"He's one of us," I told him.
"But he's a CNN journalist, sir."
"Used to be a journalist. Now he's gonna be head of border security."
"He certainly a fanatic," said Rumsfeld.
"Fit right in," said Karl.
"Go get him. Tell him I want a sammich, too," I said.
Karl left and we watched Oprah in silence. I love Oprah. I love Condi. Hmmmmmm.
Karl soon came back with Dobbs who handed me a plate with a sammich on it.
"You didn't cut the crust off, Dobbie."
I handed it back. Not a very good first impression.
He took it back to the kitchen and soon returned.
"So, tell me about this illegal immigrant thing."
"It's out of control, sir. It's a steady stream of terrorists coming over. Americans are starving because these terrorists are taking their jobs. They can take them so cheap because Bin laden is sending them a check too."
"That's exactly what I thought."
"Yesterday, they captured two Brazilian immigrants slipping through."
"Jee! Zus! Christ!"
I was flabbergasted.
"Two brazillion! That must be half the goddamned country!"
I reached for the bottle under the desk. Karl shook his head. Rumsfeld snickered into his fist and Dobbie looked at the floor.
"What?" I said.
"If I put you over border security, how many troops do you think you'll need?"
Dobbs sneered like he does on his show.
"I have my own troops, sir."
"It's kinda like a militia, sir," explained turd blossum.
"Just like in Iraq," said Rummydummy.
I could see his fingers itching to get out the cell phone to check for targets.
"You need uniforms or arms or anything?"
"We have our own uniforms. White ones with pointed hats," offered Dobbie. "We could use some arms, though."
I looked at Rummy.
"We're fresh out. Most of our surplus went to Israel last month."
"Okay, Dobbie. We'll get back to you. Good sammich, though."
A high pitched alarm went off and Rummy pulled out the cell phone and flipped it open. Karl leaned over to look and JR Junior climbed over the top of the couch again and tried to take the phone away.
Rummy held it away from him as he locked in the bullseye.
"You rump-fed apple-john," JR Junior said.
I shook my head and sighed.
Then I reached under the desk.

thanks to Smartipants for the Brazillian joke
ShakeAspear, shareware that generates random Shakespeare insults

freetime648 52F

8/18/2006 3:06 am

Mission accomplished!

xx FREETIME648 xx

sparkee58 replies on 8/18/2006 4:05 am:
please come back, if you find time; it wasn't finished

rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
8/18/2006 8:57 am

...loving to read you and acknowledging creativity....

and as for *ShakeAspear* Goddess is finding that term...spinoff onthename funny
I wonder how amused *he* would be with the writers
in blogland...bet the old boy would wanna come to a
meet and greet if he were still around

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

sparkee58 replies on 8/18/2006 9:44 am:
it's a mac application for the dashboard in OSX tiger

no too amused, I would wager

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
8/18/2006 12:34 pm

Actually I'm thinking Shakespeare would be writing hip hop lyrics.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

sparkee58 replies on 8/21/2006 1:32 am:
the old ones, maybe, before it became commercial drivel

FrankPicasso 52M

8/18/2006 4:39 pm

Man, I just love these. Meet the Neocons ... same as the old cons. Phil Ochs would have loved these. Too bad there aren't more guys like that around, huh? But there are a few. Excellent work!

sparkee58 replies on 8/21/2006 1:33 am:
thanks, frank
these things write themselves

catseyes23 61F

8/18/2006 8:19 pm

I've always wondered about Shakespeare- how society in this day and age would reflect in his writing.

sparkee58 replies on 8/21/2006 1:34 am:
his work encompasses it all
there's nothing new under the sun

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