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When it passes you by
When it passes you by
When I read sassy belle's comment in my "Insanity is just a love story without dialogue" post where she says "I think too much too" a light went on.
I suddenly remembered the thing that I saw in Daisy that it seemed to me like other people couldn't see.
At first, I even thought the comment might be by Daisy, since I remember how she thought too much too.
That was the thing I saw most. Her thoughts. It probably sounds crazy to people, but it was always seemed like she was thinking a million things at once, except it all amounted to this "her" that just seemed to make so much sense.
It was like I could watch her think all those things she was thinking, and it was almost like I knew what she was thinking somehow.
It's hard too explain. Everything she did just seemed to amount to something far more real than the rest of the world.
I wish I could explain it better, but how can I?
How do you explain a person?
I remember how when we talked, sometimes she wouldn't respond, she'd just think. It was like a million things, and she couldn't get them out. I wasn't any better.
I also remember how if I saw her walk by I'd just watch her think, and how much sense she seemed to make without even saying anything.
I remember one time when she walked by, and I was watching her, and there was this other guy across the open area who was talking to this girl, and he seemed like the real player type.
She looked over at him, and he was giving her this real sly smile. I remember thinking, "You can't even see her!"
It's kinda funny to me how she just looked at him and then went about her way, as though she didn't even notice him.
There was so much more to her than other girls, and I guess I felt special that I could recognize this.
I can't even say it all here.
She's probably the most thought full person I've ever known, and it reminded me of how I once was.
I used to put alot of thought into all people, and there was a person I used to be who felt special, only I never seemed to meet anyone who could recognize this.
My life got caught up in the fast talking society, and it seemed like I was losing the best part of me. The real me. The thoughts. The feelings. The love, I guess.
It's hard to be that love in this society.
But I could recognize that "special" side of myself in her, but knowing what to do about it was another story.
I've never had any problem getting together with the girls from the fast talikin society, that I have, but it never seemed to mean anything.
What I felt for her was far more real, but also harder.
I'm sure this kinda thing happens to other people all the time, but it's only happened to me once, so I guess that's why I'm having such a difficult time putting it behind me.
I've never saw anyone so "me" before.
It seems like a one in a million chances to meet someone like that.
It's sure never happened before, that's for sure. No one else has ever had this effect on me.
The reality of it is, though is that I let it pass me by.
I mean sometimes, it's just circumstances that screw you over.
I always felt if I had a little more time, I could have gotten everything out. There were just so many things, and there were only certain times when I would be able to say it right, and it was really important that I said it right.
If it came from my feelings, it would have all come out perfect, but finding that right time was never easy.
Then one day it was too late. She was gone. Off to another university, and the last conversation I had with her wasn't one of those times. I came across apathetic in a sense. Like, "Good luck, I hope you have fun"
Without ever saying what I really felt, and that would be the last thing she would remember about me.
I don't even know if she ever knew what I thought of her.
When I saw her again seven years later, I tried to explain, but it was a different time, and things had changed.
I mean, she was the same person, but she had already move along with someone else. Probably someone else who sees himself in her.
Now the only place I see myself is in myself, but I try to keep that from the world now.
There's the real "you" and then there's the world, and they don't always match up. If you''re lucky, you can meet someone where the real "You" does match up with someone, but that's the hard way.
There are definitely no guarantees in this world.
I think I'll try to keep things simple.
9/2/2006 1:09 pm
it's true it is a rare thing to find someone that completes you totally. most are just past times or your settling for a good time. most have to go through a lot of people to find out what they are actually looking for in a companion, you are one of the lucky if you even find them. i'm sorry that she got away. do you know what school she went to? have you tried looking up her number?|
9/2/2006 2:07 pm
No Juicy. I saw her again seven years later, a couple months ago. I don't think I would have ever felt right about tracking her down at her new university, not that that it didn't cross my mind a hundred times. I don't think she would have understood, though.|
I mean it probably only would have made sense for me to act on the feelings back then, I just could never get it all out.
I tried to get it out in a letter when I saw her recently, but it was like I had to beat around the bush. I could never explain everything that was going through my mind THEN. It also wasn't the right time anymore. Things have changed. The last thing she said to me in the first letter was, "So many times I thought the same things. I dunno there were alot of things unsaid. However, my boyfriend has asked me not ot speak to you in person, and I must respect that."
Whatever was going on in our minds then, is back THEN. Even though I could never really move on, SHE obviously has.
It's a different time now.
It may take me a few more posts to get everything out, I dunno.
9/2/2006 9:21 pm
I am lucky, I finally found the real me, the authentic me and my BF sees and knows the real me...no more pretenses...I just feel free!|
Your story is very beautiful!
9/3/2006 3:34 pm
Thanks Flo. It's always good to hear a success story to give a guy hope!|