Old Man Relic  

sooolongsuckers 40M
831 posts
8/15/2006 10:56 pm

Last Read:
9/22/2006 5:25 pm

Old Man Relic



Between the time that my real father left for New York, and my mother got pregnant with me, she met the man who would raise me.
He had just got out of the marines at the time of the vietnam war.

For years, he had been trained to kill, and now he was about to try toraise a family.
I don't think anyone would have said he was ready for that, but it
was a strong desire of his nonetheless.

He always kept much of what his duties were in Japan from the My bfamily, although some of it surfaced in later years.My brother told me somethin about one of his jobs bein to bag up bodies, but there was never much said about it, and I get the impression he has left out the worst parts.

Even my mother never knew alot of things about him.

He gave up on
therapy years ago.

I think there are certain things, he just CAN'T talk about.
There were times when
his emotions came out, though.

Very scary. Especially
for a little kid.If he ever got frustrated, he could just wig out and throw one of us across the room or throw an object as us. His screams were high pitched, out of control, and powerful. Not your typical anger, but more along the lines of madness.

Although he has told
me has never killed anyone,
I grew up seeing the killer in his eyes. Especially when he ate.
If he ever made a sudden movement, I would naturally flinch.
This usually made him angry.
We didn't grow up like other kids.

At some point in our childhood, he moved the family to a very rural wooded town of maybe a couple hundred people.

For years we had no
electricity or running water, but rather would fill a gas can, use kerosine lamps, and an outhouse.

The divorce came almost immediately
after moving there, and form about the ages of 6 to 11 he began to raise us like soldiers.

We spent a couple hours every night doing physical excersises
, many of which he learned in the marines, like putting our rifles behind our necks and stretching, or holding cans of beans out to the side or standing up the wall. We liked this, as we felt the discipline would make us strong.

One of our punishments used to be to run up a very long steep hill, but that was better than the willow branch.

There were definitely a
thfew times we deserved it, as my brother and I liked to set buildings on fire, and things of that nature.

If my dad had one passion, it was guns. He spent most of his time cleaning his guns, or taking them apart, or reading, or shooting.

I think I owned more guns
than the typical seven year old.

There were a couple gun minor altercations between my brother
and I, but never anything serious.

I probably got in more
fights at school, as I was never really a popular kid before high school.

There was alot I didn't understand about myself growing up. A part of
myself I always searched for.

I can remember in later years, how institutions would talk about how my father abused us, but I had never really seen it that way.

He never did anything to hurt us bad for any arbritrary reason, and put an incredible amount of effort into making us what he considered men.

That part of me that was missing didn't really come from any serious physical abuse. He never gave me one injury.

Aside from that, we grew up with alot of laughter and love.

The part of me that was missing came more from an innate sense of fear I grew up with with the power to silence me. The madness. The killer inside.

But that killer wasn't him.
The abuse came from somewhere else.

potbelliedman 41M
2141 posts
8/16/2006 7:50 pm

Sometimes abuse is a state of mind.
I too had a military father, and then a military step dad too.
My father liked to do the whole shaved head, singing cadence, and other military drills, as well as putting my arm into a bench vice when I was bad in order to make sure I would not run away and cause him to have to shoot me at a distance. (The slap job usually only lasted a couple minutes or so, then I'd be released.)
Yes these things made me stronger, but also very viciously devoid of normal human emotion.
Fast forward several years to the time when my mom met my step dad.
A very decent man, but I would not give him the time of day. I had already turned cold to the father figures.
Why would I want a new one.
After some more time, and a feeling of wanting to rebel against a strict up bringing I found my self, a pissed off 19 year old crawling through dense jungle with orders to shoot anything not dressed like me.
I have had other humans in my rifle's sight, and yes I pulled the trigger.
Men don't like to talk about this as age sets in because we start to learn that taking someone's father, brother, son, or friend is not sport. It impacts people, and the places they have to live in.
Some one thought my country had a drug habit, so there I am getting to fight the "great drug war".
Such a lost cause.
I'm older, and a little smarter now.
I know I am also never welcome south of Honduras again.
As I settle into old age, ("What your only 30!?" Ah, yes, but I feel I have lived for a hundred years!)
I wonder whats gonna come and bite me on the ass when I can't spin around fast enough to face it.
I'm done rambling on now.
Carry on.

sooolongsuckers 40M

8/17/2006 9:15 am

I'd say we're all victims, Ken. We're also all perpretrators. I think you're so right about war impacting the place we live in. To a certain degree, this pain is in all of us, yet we become accustomed to it. It has been with us our whole lives, every since civilization was primitive. I hope you'll be by my side as we fight the real war!

sooolongsuckers 40M

8/18/2006 1:33 pm

Dear mysterious CCR fan:

When I first posted this blog I couldn't remember the words to the Credence Clearwater Revival song, "It ain't me" or whatever it's called.

All I knew was "Some men were booorn to ________ the flag"

But I couldn't remember how to fill the blank so I just took a stab at it, and put "Raise" there.

Today, someone drove by in a car, and the song was playing right at the part I needed to hear, and I heard the correct lyric and made the change in the post.

Thanks Mysterious CCR fan,
Whoever you are!

Gossip_Anyone 40F

9/22/2006 9:31 am

next time go google the name of the song and you'll find the lyrics to just about any song...

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