Where am I going?  

rm_songbird5419 62F
301 posts
8/19/2006 7:22 am

Last Read:
3/2/2007 3:52 pm

Where am I going?

I was preparing to respond to another blog Activities that transport us and decided that I had enough to say to respond here instead. This post talked about activities that stop time and take us elsewhere.

I'm not sure my experiences are as intense as those I've read about in this blog and elsewhere, but they've been intense to me.

Reading, listening to and making music, and of course making love–REALLY making love–these all come to mind as I think about what moves me away from the routine of everyday life.

When I read, and it's a REALLY good book, I'm right there. I lose all contact with my physical surroundings and I'm in the story. This can happen with a movie or video as well and has on a number of occasions.

Musically, two instances come to mind. I sang in a community chorus for a number of years and had the opportunity to perform Berlioz' Requiem. Two movements, the Tuba mirum and the Lacrymosa, are scored for chorus, orchestra and four antiphonal brass choirs. The church in which we performed this work had a wraparound balcony, which is where the extra brasses were placed–one in each corner of the room. To be standing in the middle of all this awesome sound for the very first time truly moved me somewhere I've never been before. The pure power of the music went to my core. It wasn't religious, since my beliefs tend more toward a benevolent diety than a vengeful one, but it was something quite amazing. I often put my recording of the concert into my CD player, crank up the volume and sit in the middle of the room to get the whole surround-sound effect again, but it's just not the same as actually being in the middle of it all and having to sing too!!

The other instance–same chorus, different year– I was performing as soloist in the Vaughan Williams Magnificat. This is a very taxing piece, difficult to learn and difficult to sing. It's scored for mezzo, women's chorus and orchestra. I was very nervous, but my acupuncturist had offered to come to the church and give me a pre-concert treatment, which I gratefully accepted. I don't know what she did, but I do know that I don't remember much about singing this work other than the fact that I was so relaxed. I'm told I sang very well and when I listen to the recording, I always wonder if that was really me!! I don't recall actually being out of my body, but I must have been somewhere other than in that church.

Making love–the ultimate expression–and when it's right, there's nothing like it!! I've been "transported" several times in the past few years. When there's a connection that's physical, psychological, and emotional, the rest of the world simply goes away and it's just the two of you in a separate place.

I've begun to realize that I'm capable of so much more than I've ever allowed myself before. I think I like growing now more than any other time in my life. I'm determined to allow new experiences to make me better–a better person, more loving and caring, both for myself and those with whom I come in contact. I think for a very long time I didn't care much for me. I do now. I've come to value my time alone. I enjoy spending time with me and I don't think I did for a long time. I ran into an old friend last week at a party. He said to me, "I can't believe the transformation I see in you." I am different and I hope to continue to be different. I continue to search for what's best in me and I continue to work on what's not so good. It's a journey, this thing we call life. I think it's a helluva trip!!!!

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.

rm_rover153 59M
2900 posts
8/21/2006 11:04 am

I wonder, often times, if relationships sometimes become tedious because the partners "grow" at different rates and in different directions. When you think about it, it is hard to imagine 2 people "growing" at the same pace and in the same direction for their entire lives. There are so many outside influences, especially in our current world, someone will inevitably be compromising something. And that may be why, as our knowledge expands, we feel some comfort in being alone but also in knowing what we will and won't compromise anymore. Good luck on your "Journey".


totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

rm_songbird5419 replies on 8/21/2006 11:42 am:
You make a very important point...that's precisely what happened in my most recent marriage, among other things I won't go into here since I've already addressed them in previous blogs. Where is it written that one person can possibly satisfy every need of another person for the rest of their lives? I don't think it's possible, at least not for me.

Thanks for your insight.

catkit13 66F

8/19/2006 11:09 am

skier's post sent me to my soul-searching questions, as well - i responded to his post, and may just revisit the subject on my own blog, as well, as you have done
thanks for sharing part of your personal journey
it's all about growth, isn't it?

rm_songbird5419 replies on 8/19/2006 4:27 pm:
I do believe life is about growth. Sometimes when I think about how long I stopped growing, it truly frightens me. But then I remember those days are over for good. I almost feel like I'm in a 12-step program sometimes. I really do have to take my life one day at a time and remain so diligent so I don't fall in the that trap of complacency ever again. It's so much more interesting to NOT be complacent!!


AstirRelicLatah 64M
1993 posts
8/19/2006 8:28 am

A lovely post. Those experiences where we go outside ourselves are special memories....It also took me a long time to become comfortable with me in my own skin. I think I'm still working on it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they're beautiful.

rm_songbird5419 replies on 8/19/2006 8:35 am:
It's my belief that if we ever stop working on being comfortable in our own skin, then we are dead. Perhaps not physically so, but certainly spiritually dead. I was approaching that point for more years than I care to admit, but I'm alive again and learning and living! The colors of the world are so much more vivid now and you know how I feel about color!!

Thank you

Become a member to create a blog