Saying Yes  

song2262 54F
1303 posts
8/5/2006 5:07 pm

Last Read:
8/8/2006 12:07 pm

Saying Yes

This is not a post about the flashing neon sign outside my pussy that says YES and awaits my brain's approval on its availability.

This is about acceptance of the myriad of ways dear ones or even strangers gift me.

Receiving has always been a struggle for me. I am so fiercely independant, refusing to be indebted to others for anything. Being in a position of need shames me so deeply, whether as a result of being unexpectedly jobless or being jerked around unreliable child support or my own insecurities and undisciplined use of my talents and resources.

I find it so difficult to maintain hope at times. Then I am knocked over by unexpected gestures of kindness or thoughtful gifts or a helping hand. I am so ashamed I cannot give back. I still question these generous acts, wondering where is the hidden agenda, how can I possibly give something of equal or higher value.
I tend to thank politely but decline the offer. It's easier not to be beholden to another, keeps my shame hidden, less energy to keep others at a distance. Yet the stress spins me into a whirlpool of depression, such darkness, negativity, aloneness.

I'm struggling to find a balance. I've made a decision. I'm determined to say YES, even though I continue to sabotage myself at times.

YES to advice, YES to support, YES to pleasure, YES to compliments, YES to gifts, YES to helping, YES to giving, YES to living, YES to loving.

What other Yeses should I include?

rm_connor696 60M
834 posts
8/5/2006 10:16 pm

Maybe yes to asking for help (or advice or support or pleasure or even love)? You're right; accepting help can be difficult for all the reasons you list: it can seem to diminish us and to give the helper leverage. But maybe not eveyone who offers help is a loanshark. Maybe there's a different way of looking at things. Maybe you can see asking for help and actually getting it as a demonstration of your worth. Hell, even if helpers have "ulterior motives" (like--yikes!--they want to be your friend), their willingness to lend a hand says that they value you in some way. And you know, it probably isn't a creepy way after all.

Just think: without help, all we'd ever have are melodies. And cool as they are, harmony takes a song to a whole other place.

BTW, I bet you look lovely in neon.

song2262 54F
643 posts
8/6/2006 12:48 am

connor, I just love how you write. I ponder all you say. Self worth...yes, I may need to work on that one.

"Harmony takes a song to a whole other place" What a lovely profound thought for me.

Now about asking. Notice how I didn't mention that one at all? It is furthest from my mind. THE most difficult thing of all. Wonder why. Making me a master of a passive/aggressive personality...never speaking up until entirely frustrated and exploding.

Thank you, as always, for visiting and responding. And pardon my hormones for taking over and typing outrageous things like the neon sign comment *blush*

psst...I consider you a friend...if I may.

BikerDude1200 60M

8/6/2006 1:02 pm

Pardon you for the image of a cat, sleepy snuggly in its bed while the small pink neon sign before it humms and flashes, yes...yes...yes...?

Keep in mind that many that offer help, care and support may have walked in those same shoes you have upon your feet. They have felt the same feelings and frustrations as you and reach out to assist you in overcoming some of the obstacles that have been placed before you, without any expectation of payment or servitude other than a "thank you". They too were helped by those around them that cared for and loved them. I do believe that you have people in your life that would do the same!

Happy birthday to your daughter! She will look back on these times with kind words and fondness when she is grown and raising a family of her own.


nightis 53M

8/7/2006 5:55 am

Think back in your mind's eye to some time or times when you have given gifts. They may have been subtle, but they were noticed! You may have given peace, shelter, effort, laughter, affection or piece of mind. These things should not be taken for granted and maybe someone struggles to reciprocate to you!

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