Scary new things...  

softnlush 53F
878 posts
9/28/2005 5:27 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Scary new things...


Well this weekend was a start..a new beginnning emerging in my horizon..I am working my fabulous new job and believe I am doing as well or better than I have expected..I just made a new purchase..a brand new car and now looking for my own place..in a couple of months I should be where I was at (and even better than then)before 9/11/...but it is scary.

I was having a bite to eat with my best friend and we discussed choices I made 3 yrs ago..why I left NY ..moved as far away as I could..people thought it was FOR a man..but that is honestly false..the reason why I left was after seeing with my own 2 eyes a plane fly into a building..I was planning my escape at that very instant..ANYONE could have said..come here and as long as it was far enuf from NY I would have went..man,woman,domestic pet..any reason whatsoever..it just in this case,my fiance had a heart attack so I used that excuse instead of..I do not feel safe in my own environment anymore..I want to run away..I want to run FAR!!

But things happened..I did not get married..I hated living where I was with no protection (medical care wise,employment wise and marriage wise)and I came home..thinking its 2 yrs after how bad can it be out there now..well it was bad..very bad.

I came here after the last straw that broke this camels back..the death of my mother..I was just done with NY,PA,Canada..I was done. But come to find living here for the last oh,10 months or so..was not any better..work wise..which affected every other aspect of my life..now..I got the job I wanted since I got here..finally..and I am good at this job and I actually like it..but I hate having to rely on other people to get me to said job..so I bought myself a car..a nice car and now I am panicing about putting myself out financially..I know I know..but still..I worry,I worry I could lose this job..I worry that I lost my edge and then after that what then? homeless? car repossessed?? these are things that scare the shit out of me..have I ever lost anything before to lack of payments? NO never..have I ever been kicked out of any of my apartments in NY? NO never..why do I feel it could happen here? I am not sure. But I feel it..for no reason except how long and hard the journey was before I got here..to this place where I am right now..I am terrified..I am excited..I want to run away..I want to run forward..I want to be happy and I am afraid to let myself BE happy..do I make any sense? probably not..but there ya have it..I am scared..I want to be held and be told I am ok..I want ... I want

SirMounts 102M

10/31/2005 11:57 pm

Ah, New York is a great place to be... from.


softnlush 53F

11/5/2005 5:06 pm

Used to be..I do not feel that way anymore..not since............


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