Love,Sex,Pain,Confusion...suffering..you're there crying,I feel not a thing...  

softnlush 53F
878 posts
8/14/2006 6:47 am

Last Read:
8/17/2006 5:30 am

Love,Sex,Pain,Confusion...suffering..you're there crying,I feel not a thing...


I really do have a lot to say about this weekend..

Lot's of dirty laundry came out of no where,then again,it was probably always there,but it took something huge to finally get at it..and a friend got hurt,devasated really..but I am keeping it in perspective..because even though I am on her side and I am,there were sooo many red flags that it really did not have to get to that point..I am sure she agrees. What I think is really wrong is the premise that a leopard can change their spots..they cannot..no one can..I do not believe anyone can really change so dramatically that they become acceptable.

Yes,people can and do change and usually it comes from within..not without,no amount of crying,begging,pleading will change someone if they do not wish to change..if you are spending 90% of your time hoping they will change,then perhaps you need to take the 10% in your heart and walk away with that memory of that 10% of perfection..why sit there and take 90% of bullshit? That never made sense to me..even when I did it..and I have,most women can probably relate to staying in a bad relationship with what we thought was the love of our lives because we hoped he would change..but let me ask this,what was it that made you fall for him? I think part of it was the challenge to see if he can love me enough to want to change and when that did not happen..I took his abuse and his words to heart..maybe I am flawed,maybe I am crazy..guess what..I am not and I am not..and one day when years and years passed and I asked him honestly why? He finally set me free because as they say..the truth shall set you free..and he told me the truth..he cheated,he lied,he abused and betrayed because he was damaged..and when he met someone NOT damaged,misery loved company and decided he would damage me beyond his damage..the thing was..it took 7 yrs but I wised up and dumped his ass..and he said,years later..I am sorry,it was meant and heartfelt and much appreciated and never too late to hear. We broke up in 87 and it took him until 2006 to utter those words to me,the death of a friend the catalyst,of course after a couple of years I finally got it was not me..it was him..but to hear him say it..felt wonderful..and I was easily able to forgive him for his crap..he could not help it,he was damaged and looking to feel better,he did things that were unimaginable to me..spiritually and emotionally..physically I took care of myself,I fought back..I always fight back..but emotionally he scarred me..yes,for a long time I never felt "good enuf"..because for 3 out of those 7 yrs,that is all I heard,how lucky I was to have him,how I will never have better than him (to date I had 11 better than him ha ha),I was too fat,too ugly,too strange..yet,if a another guy looked at me..he went insane..if he saw me talk to another guy..I got verbally berated for days..if anyone stood up for me..god help them,it must be that I am fucking them..yep,he projected a lot of that shit on me too..because he was doing it..not me.

So I tell my friend..let him be,let it go..live your life in spite of him and them,be happy,try to remember the person you are,try not to fall for it again..and never ever feel bad about what you found out..you really knew all along..now you have proof..now you have all you need to look away and never look back..relish in the luck of it all,because you may not feel it now..you may not feel it tomorrow..but YOU are the lucky one..and feel pity for the ones who you felt betrayed you,they have to answer to it at some point..but the fact is,they do not know how to care..and how sad is that? But always remember this,NO ONE can make another do anything they do not want to do,sure they can cojole,tempt,push,urge..but the choice ultimately is theirs,so the only person to blame for allowing it,ultimately and sadly is you,because you did not say STOP! or NO! No one can hurt you unless you allow it..and yes,to love is to open yourself up to pain..that is just emotions my friend,and it will pass..it will pass and someone is there better,stronger,above it all,and that someone is deep inside you..let her out,let her dance,let her enjoy her freedom and that is what you have..FREEDOM!! Cry however long you must,but cry for yourself..not for him..or her..or them,cry for yourself and then wipe those tears,pick yourself up,dust yourself off and start all over again..that is the wonderful thing about life,it is yours to live..so live it..IN SPITE of it all..just my words of widsom from someone who has been there and done that.

For everyone else,the same rings true,love like you were never hurt,but remember..to love is also to be open to pain..just heed the warning signs when it seems it is going awry..pay attention to red flags,as much as you want to go with your heart,do so,but pay attention with your gut..that will rarely fail you in the long run.

I hope my friend heals and I hope anyone with a broken heart heals..I also hope the people that cause the pain take a step back and try to stop themselves before it is too late,I truly believe that most people are good in the core,but they are afraid to show it,so they take the low road to the path of least resistance..sometimes,it is best to make a better choice,to take others into account before you act on baser instincts..nothing wrong with pleasure,nothing wrong with pleasure and pain..what is wrong is how much pleasure you get in someone elses pain..think about it..

Off the soap box

~~~snl~~~

FriesCepitYells 48M
9 posts
8/14/2006 7:50 am

cool...


heavensent11236 52F

8/14/2006 1:35 pm

Tell your friend I'm very sorry about her pain. As for trying to change people, I'm guilty of that, and maybe for the exact reasons you wrote about, you think to yourself, maybe if they loved me enough, they would give up the things they do to damage the relationship. Maybe one woman could be enough for them, but what I learned was this. Somewhere, in the back of your mind, even if they did change, I would always be asking myself, when is he going to go back to what he was because as you say, leopards don't change their spots.
All that kind of relationship does is make you question yourself and him on a mental daily bases, best to just walk away while your heart is still relatively intact.


justreal4real 59F

8/14/2006 8:14 pm

Wonderful words of wisdom.

When you fall in love with them, deeply in love with them, and then they change - it is much harder to walk away. When you see them doing things to undermine their own philosophy of life it is frustrating. No matter how many fits you throw or tears you cry or prayers you utter they simply will not change unless they admit something is worth changing.

I am taking things, literally, an hour at a time. I can stay away for this hour...then I can stay away for this hour...etc. I've come to realize I am way out of my league with this one. I've turned it over to God. And that makes each hour a little easier to get through.

Wonderful words of wisdom...thank you for sharing.


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